Summer is getting so close I can almost taste it!

It's been a crazy few weeks. Today Michael will turn in his last paper for the semester, and has a break until the middle of next week, when Summer Term 1 begins.

I've recently changed my work schedule again so that I can have weekends off (mostly-I still work Sunday evenings). I'm down to three days a week and am really excited about having more time on weekends to hang out with friends and just enjoy our time here. Michael and I are both realizing how fast time has gone-we've been in PA for almost 9 full months-and have not done the kind of site-seeing we've wanted to. We're hoping to take advantage of the last few months, along with the warmer weather, to experience different parts of the East Coast.

We'd like to take a trip to Washington (As in D.C. Out here they simply say "Washington," and if ever there's a reference to the state, it's "Washington State"). We're probably going to a Yankees game (Sorry Ken!) in a couple weeks, which will be fun because they're playing the Mariners, so we can represent for the Northwest. We'll also see "the city" (New York City), as neither of us have been there either. In June we'll be traveling up to New Hampshire for a wedding and hope to see some of the beautiful sites of New England. I really want to go to Boston.

Hopefully with all these plans we'll have some pictures to post. I'm also going to try to post some pictures from the family visits we've had recently. Now that Michael is done with finals I may actually get to use the computer at home to upload pictures!

Mother's Day

This morning I was reading Jim Wallis' blog (see previous post), and I came across this discussion about Mother's Day.
According to the blog this is how Mother's Day began:

Julia Ward Howe, the creator of Mother's Day, pleaded with women to speak out against war, not only for the sake of their sons, but for the sons of mothers across the globe. Today, mothers must not only seek peace for their sons, but for themselves.

And yet another reason I have a hard time with the (especially American) military mind-set:

60 Minutes did research in the 1990s that found that domestic violence was five times more common in U.S. military families than civilian families. And that was during "peace time." During war, the numbers become far more gruesome. During the Rwandan genocide, UNICEF estimates 150,000 women were raped in the 100 days of conflict. Today, the remnants of that violence have ventured into the Congo and 27,000 sexual assaults were reported there by the United Nations -- in just one year, in just one province.

Getting into heaven

I'm reading this book right now (God's Politics: Why the Right Gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get it, by Jim Wallis). It relates directly to my recent posts regarding politics and Christians. It's awesome. I've been wanting to read it for a while and finally picked it up.

In the first chapter Wallis discusses how the "conformity of many conservative evangelical leaders to the political Right and its agenda that favors the wealthy over the poor and middle class just doesn't make sense..." to Christians and non-Christians alike.

Then he shares this:

In Matthew's twenty-fifth chapter, Jesus speaks of the hungry, the homeless, the stranger, prisoners, and the sick and promises he will challenge all his followers on the judgment day with these words, "As you have done to the least of these, you have done to me." James Forbes, the pastor of Riverside Church in New York City, concludes from that text that, "Nobody gets to heaven without a letter of reference from the poor!" How many of America's most famous television preachers could produce the letter?

Food for Thought

On Poverty:
"All those people who think that food stamps are debilitating and lead to a cycle of poverty are the same ones who want to leave a ton of money to their kids."

-Warren Buffet (richest man in the world as of February 2008)

On Politics:

"I have always thought we had outlived the need for the Electoral College, and now that I am going to the Senate, I am going to try to do what I can to make clear that the popular vote, the will of the people, should be followed."

-Hillary Clinton

Is that so?

Popular vote
Obama
14,418,784 49.2%

Clinton
13,917,318 47.5%

On the election:

A Democrat and a Republican walk into a bar to discuss health care and national security.

This shouldn't sound like a joke.
(From dividedwefail.org)

On a lighter note...

I found this article today about an insurance company, Pemco, based in the northwest and thought it was hilarious. Below is an excerpt:

Even if you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, you probably have some stereotypes about us lurking in your head. Well, here’s a dirty little secret -- for all our talk of individualism, all of your stereotypes about us are true.

We are a region of smug hybrid owners, recycling fanatics and recumbent bicycle commuters. We love to broadcast our beliefs via bumper stickers. Before we moved here we may have been more fashionable, but now we see nothing wrong with wearing socks with our sandals, preferably paired with those pants that can unzip to become a pair of shorts should the weather improve. If we want to get fancy, we might throw a fleece vest over the whole ensemble.

Our region is home to many long-haired, caffeine-addicted, socially challenged software geeks. Far too many Pacific Northwesterners are still sporting the bad hair and flannel shirts of the elsewhere long-forgotten grunge era. The only thing we love more than using our rain barrels and compost bins is boasting to our friends about them.

The regional insurance company Pemco Insurance knows all this, and it’s created a brilliant ad campaign around it. Using the tagline “We’re a lot like you,” Pemco manages to poke fun at residents of the Pacific Northwest without offending us. (Of course, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, you know most of us would be far too passive-aggressive to say anything even if we were offended).

I went to this website, www.werealotlikeyou.com that showed all the different personalities from the northwest. Each personality profile lists things like where they're spotted, what vehicle they drive, what they eat, etc. It was funny (I literally did laugh out loud) to see how true some of the stereotypes are about people from the northwest, especially while living on the east coast.

A few of my favorites:

Profile #15: Recumbent Bike Commuter (I had a professor who was one of these).
Profile #45: 50 Degrees Shirt's off guy (Sun's out. Shirt's off. It's that simple.)
Profile #56: Sandals and Socks guy
Profile #76: The Super-Long Coffee Orderer

My Latest Recommendation

This week I read this book: Five Years of My Life: An Innocent Man in Guantanamo, by Murat Kurnaz.

It blew my mind. I experienced a range of emotions as I read: anger, outrage, empathy, confusion, admiration, and a constant sickening in my stomach.

Kurnaz is a Turkish citizen, born and raised in Germany, who was arrested in Pakistan a month after 9/11 and held prisoner for five years. He was born in 1982, as was I.

I think every American should read this book. This is the epitome of why I'm against the use of torture. Besides the fact that this man was innocent (and that American officials knew after six months that he was, yet left him in the camp for five years), the part that got me upset the most was the inhumane, savage way that he, and many like him, were treated, by American soldiers no less.

I couldn't help but wonder about our military. I have many family members and friends who have been, and still are, a part of the military. I absolutely respect them for their dedication to what they feel as a life calling. However, the idea that we systematically brain wash these men and woman to see our enemies as trash, that we train them to treat our enemies as less than human, worse than dogs, causes me to question the entire process.

Fine, some people believe in the use of torture for protection. Regarding this, I must come back to my previous post in which I say, "What would Jesus say about this?" And I don't think ANYONE can tell me that Jesus would say, yes, you can torture for the safety and benefit of others. That goes against everything Jesus represents. Regardless, the torture that happened to this man should cause even those who believe in the use of torture to pause and think.

This innocent man was tortured in every way imaginable. The American soldiers were unbelievably cruel. Were they trained to be like this? How can they consciously deprive other human beings of basic needs? Kurnaz was often subject to solitary confinement which included days and weeks, sometimes months in tiny cells. Sometimes the cell was air conditioned to the point of refrigeration, sometimes it was a cell with no oxygen flow. He experienced water boarding, being hung for weeks by his shoulder blades (the man next to him died this way), sleep deprivation for more than three weeks straight, being assaulted by women soldiers. A common practice was when the prisoners were allowed to shower, they would soap up, and then the Americans would turn the water off and say, "sorry, time's up." If a prisoner went to the "doctor" for an ailment, they often came back without body parts. The disrespect that Americans showed for the Muslim prisoners included blaring the national anthem while they did their daily prayers, throwing the Koran on the ground and stomping on it, forcing men to look at women and be touched by them inappropriately (Muslim men are not to even look at women in the eye, let alone touch them in any way). The list goes on and on.

There's so much more to this book, like the fact that Americans were paying Pakistan officials to bring them suspected terrorists. Did anyone stop to think that maybe they'd be motivated by the monetary compensation and bring innocent men to the Americans? This happened repeatedly, as in this case.

I'll stop here. But I do recommend the book. Here's a summary of the book and more about Kurnaz's experience, if you want more information. It's a quick read, and it's more than enlightening.

I'm pretty worked up about all this, especially knowing that there are innocent men still in Guantanamo at this very moment being treated in this horrific fashion. All in the name of protection for American citizens. My question is, who is protecting these innocent men? And why are American lives worth more than any others? That seems to be racist and elitist on so many levels.

Can an evangelical be a democrat?

I stumbled across this article today, and found it fascinating after my most recent "sermon." The article is called, "How would Jesus Vote?: I am an Evangelcal--and a Liberal. Really. "

Just read it.

Quote of the day

"A true patriot does not confuse government with country. A patriot's loyalty is to his country, and loyalty to country requires holding government accountable."

~Paul Craig Roberts

Today's Sermon

As much as I don't want to be "too political" on my blog, I have become more interested in many issues over the last few years and enjoy dialoguing about them. The name of my blog, "Fade 2 Gray," comes from the idea that not all issues are black and white, and that there are some gray areas to certain issues in which I want to educate myself on and may not have an answer for. (I blogged about some of these issues in one of my very first posts-"Would Christ be a Pacifist?").

All that to say, I've been thinking a lot about the life and journey of my political opinions over the last few years. Having grown up in a pretty conservative Republican home, I began searching during my college years to decide what my own beliefs and thoughts are.

Obviously I don't have the time or space to go into every issue, and at times I find myself struggling to articulate myself in this area, so bear with me. This is just to get the juices flowing and the discussion started.

One of the issues I have wrestled with a lot, and still do, is the idea that many evangelical Christians are tightly associated with the Republican party. Growing up I realized that this seemed to be based on a few specific issues: gay rights and pro-life issues dominate, and gun control issues are sprinkled in there as well.

In college I read an editorial in our school newspaper that got me thinking about how many Christians grow up to be Republican based on these issues alone. As I began to explore my beliefs about Christianity and my own faith during college, it made sense that I would explore my political affiliations simultaneously. I began to study more of the issues that define the two political parties and was surprised at what I found.

As a Christian I have come to believe strongly in the words of Jesus to look out for the poor and needy. Attending an Evangelical Quaker school, dating (and eventually marrying) a Quaker, and studying these issues led me to believe in the importance of social issues concerning the plight of the less fortunate.

As I have studied the personhood of Jesus Christ, I have learned to ask myself the following question as a sort of litmus test on many issues: "What would Jesus do?" And often, "What did Jesus do?" Obviously, this is only speculation, and thus only my opinion and thoughts of what I think Jesus might have done in a given situation, based on his words and actions found in Scripture, but it has become a way for me to make decisions and form opinions on issues that may have at one point been a gray area for me.

(If you have never read In His Steps, by Charles Sheldon, I highly recommend it. Written in 1896, it's the story of a church whose people pledge to live a year asking themselves "What would Jesus do?" This book was life changing for me, and is where this idea of using that question as a litmus test came from. This link is the entire book reprinted online.)

(A few) Thoughts about how Jesus lived:
-Spent time with the outcasts, the poor, the unwanted, the misfits.
-Talked repeatedly about how difficult it is for the rich to get into heaven-encouraged those with money to give it away, to not feel the need to store up treasures on earth.
-Encouraged people to love others through providing basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter.

-In regards to war and violence (another issue that I won't go into too much now, but formed beliefs about using this same litmus test), I have come to believe that Jesus would not advocate for war...Ever...No exceptions. I know that will poke some people the wrong way, but I really, really cannot imagine Jesus EVER approving of fighting as a means of solving issues. I don't have any answers for how to solve diplomatic issues of today as they are complicated and span years of policies, decisions, and pure human error, but that cannot and should not justify killing others...regardless of the enemy. I think Americans do a good job dehumanizing our enemies in order to justify what we do to foreigners (wars in general dehumanize the enemy), but when asking myself the question, "How does Jesus feel about each of these individuals?", I can't bring myself to believe that God loves us more than them, or that he would see killing as an acceptable process to achieve peace.

Back to poverty. These seem to be important issues to Jesus. Priorities, in fact. Economically speaking, Republicans tend to promote helping the wealthy whereas Democrats focus on programs to help people in need. Granted, there is a whole discussion regarding whose responsibility it is to help the poor, the government versus the Church, and I would like to think the Church could handle this completely, but I just don't think it's a priority in enough evangelical churches. But this is somewhat of a separate tangent.

Many ardent Pro-Lifers are Republican simply for that issue. But what about after these babies are born? It seems Republicans are concerned with saving these babies (and bravo for that), but what about those babies that are born destitute, impoverished, or in abusive situations? Why isn't that an important issue to more Christians?

Recently I read some opinions in response to this article about Obama's recent comments in PA regarding the "bitterness" of the economically disadvantaged. It turned into a discussion regarding political party issues, as well as how values form public opinion. The author argues that "economic policy should be more important than social and cultural questions," because Republicans often vote solely on the Pro-Life issue, only to elect a Republican who focuses on economic issues, especially tax cuts, and ignore the issue of "saving the unborn." (I disagree, however that economics should be the only issue that voters consider). I found myself nodding in agreement at places, and I wanted to share a few of the comments to provoke further discussion:


There is an asymmetry between the wealthy Democrat voter and the working class guy who votes for the Republicans because they are thought to represent ‘family values.’

One difference is that when the Democrats promise more progressive policies to end poverty, even if it means reducing the affluence of the wealthy, they are promising something that they can deliver through legislative action.

When Republicans bang the ‘pro-life’ drum, they are promising something that they cannot deliver through legislation. So long as Roe v Wade stands, there are constitutional limits to the extent to which the state may infringe a woman’s right to control her reproduction. Of course, Republicans can try to change this by changing the courts, but such a promise itself implicitly infringes upon the constitutional separation of powers. We may conclude from this that such Republicans are largely disingenuous. As Thomas Frank points out, values voters vote to save the unborn and, once elected, their Republican legislators deliver capital gains tax cuts — not the saving of the unborn. But, of course, they knew that when they campaigned under the pro-life mantle. Conclusion: they manipulated the values voters, because they knew they couldn’t deliver what they promised and knew that they would deliver that which they did not promise. (Show me the Republican who campaigns on a platform of further enriching the rich!)

And another comment:

I have continually wondered why Christians would choose a Republican that protects the interest of big business. Making rich people richer goes against the teachings of Jesus.

While I can understand the abortion issue, in the past when abortion was illegal rich people were able to buy safe abortions. In addition, many Christian have had abortions.

It seems a logical conclusion that people are a victim of partisan deception or they have not studied the issues to understand the ramifications of voting for a Republican. As personality profile research has shown, people think differently. Some think more with feelings and others more with logical facts. It is often difficult for us logical thinkers to understand why not everyone understands our logical facts.

I want to clarify that I don't think any political party is completely right on all issues, and there are a lot of gray areas that are difficult to discern and that don't have black-and-white answers. What I do think is that there needs to be an on-going dialogue, especially among evangelicals, regarding more than just a small handful of issues.

As Christians we need to be well-informed and educated on issues. We need to put the needs of others above ourselves. We need to find ways to clothe, feed, and house the needy. We need to have a holistic approach to our faith, not just focus on a handful of issues and allow those to represent our entire belief system. We need to study the life of Christ and live as he did. We need to not simply accept what one or two dominant personalities proclaim, people who come to personify, erroneously, all evangelical Christians.

Jesus was a radical-he went against the status quo of his day.

And so should we.

Any thoughts to further this discussion?

Our Due Date

Today is April 21st. Today is the day Michael and I were due to have our first baby, so naturally I've been reflecting on all sorts of things recently.

It's been 7 full months since the miscarriage, and we're doing well. Honestly. I feel healed in so many ways (though I know it will never leave me completely). It's definitely been a process of going through stages. At first we were in shock-heartbroken, confused, and solemn, yet trusting. I think that one truth through this whole process is that Michael and I have been trusting-we have trusted God from the first moment. We can't explain why this happened to us, though we had conversations of a theological nature in which we attempted to search for clues (not necessarily answers). We can't explain the peace we've had that comes from trusting, except to say it's from the Lord. It's not logical by the world's standards, but it doesn't have to be. Actually, I remember thinking repeatedly over the first few days and weeks that I couldn't imagine going through something like this without having the faith to trust that God is sovereign, and though we can't understand it all, we can trust that He does.

I've experienced anxiety in many forms over the last several months. Anxiety about the future (isn't that where most anxiety lies?). At times I find myself afraid of going through the process again. Our family seems immune to a perfectly healthy pregnancy and that is scary to me. Many friends and family came out of the woodworks to share with us their own stories of loss and grief, and frustration in trying to conceive. In many ways this was comforting, to know that we are not alone in this pain. In other ways, though, I find that it also makes me realize all that can go wrong in the future. But again, this brings us back to the Truth that we must trust in the Lord.

We've learned over the last several months:

-To trust in the Lord's timing
-The importance in communication through grief
-That it's ok to share our pain with others because it may touch the heart of someone else
-God loves us and really does want His best for us
-God has definitely put in our hearts the desire to be parents
-Patience (Still learning this one)
-As much as we want to know everything, sometimes there aren't acceptable answers to life's tough questions
-Difficult situations do refine us as people, as a couple, and as Christ-followers
-God hugs us through the love and support of friends and family
-We are blessed with wonderful friends and family
-Our spouse is our best friend and our most important earthly relationship
-Tears are a gift, a natural release on so many levels
-We can't control everything
-It's important not to take blessings in our life for granted. We are given so many gifts, and so often we forget to be grateful.
-Pain and grief do ease with time (and with the Lord's help), no matter how much pain we have endured

I still find myself tearing up at unlikely or unexpected moments. Oftentimes it involves seeing and/or holding a baby. I've always been sensitive and prone to crying often, but I see that as a blessing. It's an outlet for me, though sometimes I wish I wouldn't cry so easily when it makes others feel awkward or uncomfortable.

I have noticed a change in my reaction. It used to be that shortly after our loss, when I'd see a baby or small child, I'd look at the mom and think about what I would be missing out on. It would be a reminder of what I had lost, and what I wouldn't have any time soon. Now however, when I see little ones, I am once again excited about the future. I find myself looking forward again to having that experience myself and often try to imagine what that experience will be like, rather than focusing on where we would be had we not experienced a miscarriage.

All this to say, we're surviving. It's been a tough road, but we have learned a lot about ourselves, about Christ, and about life. We've grown closer together as a couple and are excited about what's around the corner. We're thankful for our amazingly supportive friends and family.

Without a doubt, this experience has increased our excitement and anticipation for the sweet day when we will hold in our arms our own little baby Chapman.

Local Tourists

Last weekend we headed into Philly for a fun day of tourist activities. Nick and Lindsay were in town, and our friends from Oregon Joel and Cherice came down from Princeton.

We hit all the good places: Liberty Bell (from the outside), Independence Hall, Arch Street Meetinghouse, Art Museum steps (Rocky's famous run up the steps), Reading Terminal Market (Amish Food Market), Ben Franklin's home and printing press, Besty Ross' house, Love Park, oh yeah, and Starbucks. We also grabbed a cheesesteak from a cart on the corner next to Independence Hall.

The weather was amazing, in the 80's, and we had a lot of fun walking around all day in shorts-I even wore sunscreen! I'll post a few pictures soon.

It was a blessing to see some family. Nick and Lindsay left yesterday morning, and a few hours later we went back to the airport to pick up Amy, Tim and Isabelle. Tim had a layover before his connecting flight to Boston, where he will be working until Friday. Michael and I have really looked forward to having family here (and getting to see our niece Isabelle). Fortunately I am not working much this week so I will get to spend lots of time with them, as Michael is in the middle of finals. Tomorrow we are heading to Lancaster to see the Amish.

More PA Politics

It's going to be 83 degrees today. I am so excited for the warmth and sunshine of spring/summer.

Today Hilary Clinton will be at Radnor High School, where I was substituting until two months ago, discussing the war in Iraq.

Tomorrow Barack Obama will be on a train passing right through our town. I kind of want to go to one of the rallies at one of his stops.

Being in Pennsylvania during this historic time has been very interesting. The local papers are filled with interviews, updates, and endless articles about both democratic presidential candidates. The debate on Wednesday night, at the Constitutional center, has so many talking about the upcoming vote on April 22.

I hope and pray that Tuesday will answer some questions for us all. As interested as I am in all this, I feel like it's starting to drag on, which I think may be helping John McCain.

Those Highly Paid Teachers...

This is posted in a few classrooms where I substitute:

An editorial from a newspaper:

"I, for one, am sick and tired of those highly paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes and they only work nine months a year. It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do-babysitting! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right, I would give them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that ridiculous "planning time." That would be $21 a day (8 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. with 30 minutes off for lunch). Each parent should pay $21 a day for these teachers to babysit their children.

Now, how many do they teach in a day...maybe 30? so that's 21 x 30 = $630 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year. I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see, that's 630 x 180 = $113,400.

Hold on! My calculator must need batteries. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!" (Mark Konetski).

I had a conversation recently with a teacher who is taking graduate courses. In one of her classes she read about a study that showed that teachers only spend 10-20% of their time focused on actual valuable educational activities, planning for and actually teaching students. The rest of the time is made up of paperwork, grades, meetings, paperwork, dealing with parents, catching up students who were absent, and more paperwork. It's a frustrating system, but someone has to do it...

One Reason I Don't Like Being A Substitue...

About a month ago I substituted for an English teacher and had a horrible experience with one of her classes. It was my worst subbing experience thusfar. I've never even come close to having a class that awful. I had to leave her a very long note about many individual students and the class overall. I had students that were giving fake names, blatantly refusing to cooperate, and had to send one student down the hall. It was a learning experience, and after that day I have spoken with their regular teacher as well as many others about what I could do differently next time and what discipline options I do have as a substitute. I had come to believe through my student teaching experience that sending students to the office is a last resort, but I'm learning that as a substitue, and maybe even specifically at this school, it is encouraged to send students out when they are disruptive, since I have no other leverage.

Yesterday I had the same class again.

And though I didn't think it was possible, it was even worse than the first time.

As soon as I received my assignment and learned I'd be subbing for this teacher again, I had to mentally prepare myself. I knew I needed to be strict and firm from the beginning of class. I was nervous, and was even shaking a bit at the beginning of class. (If that surprises you, it just goes to show how much this class had gotten to me the first time).

I began class with clear, specific instructions to be on task. This didn't happen, and as I walked around the room, students were just sitting in groups chatting. About half the class was working diligently, but the other half were loud and obnoxious. Eventually I asked a group of students to move back to their original desks, and they refused. Soon after, another group of students began to throw pencil shavings and paper dots from the hole punch at each other. Kids starting yelling "Fight! Fight! Fight!" I immediately delegated new desks for the students to sit at, and as expected, one student involved in the shavings-dot fight refused. I told him that I would send him to the office if he refused, and he said, "I don't care if I go to the F****** office." "Fine," I said, and I called security to have them escort this fine young man to the office. In the mean time, my investigation into the fight led me to conclude that another student was equally involved, and when security arrived he was sent to the office as well.

This calmed the rest of the class down for 5 or 10...seconds. I regrouped the class and proceeded to lead a class discussion about the article they were supposed to have been reading and answering questions about. As I did this, one student literally stood up and began walking around the room, talking to her friends. Another student continued to poke the boy in front of her with her pencil, which caused him to over-dramatically start screaming and asking to see the nurse. Pure chaos, yes. So, I told the girl to move seats (this being a girl who earlier had blatantly ignored my request to move and at least pull out a piece of paper and look like she was working). She looked up at me, and said, "I'm not moving anywhere." I just stared at her. Really, I was speechless. This whole class just moved me to a mixture of anger, frustration, and speechlessness, and left a knot in my stomach that lasted until I left work at 2:30. Even as I write this my stomach is slightly turning.

I walked over to the teacher's desk to look for a Referral, and couldn't find one. With only a few minutes left of class, I told her to stay after class.

I informed her that because I couldn't find a Referral, I would be leaving a note to the teacher regarding her blatant disregard for my instructions. A student absolutely CANNOT refuse to follow instructions that explicitly and not have any consequence. In retrospect, I think I should have actually sent her to the office as well, because in truth, her teacher may not do anything about it.

This morning I had mixed feelings: What if I get to school this morning and I am assigned to this teacher again? Should I request to not substitute for this teacher again? Would that be showing some kind of weakness as a substitue? What would I do if I have them again? Then I started thinking, Maybe I do want them again...and I can lay down the law even more. I think I'd require no talking, only working, and I'd send out uncooperative students. A new meaning for Zero Tolerance. Either way, I arrived to find a new assignment and a sense of relief.

But I think I'm ready to face this group one more time this year. Maybe I'll get that chance. And if not, at least I can say with confidence that even if the students didn't learn anything yesterday, I did.

Politics in Pennsylvania

As the Pennsylvania Primary on April 22nd approaches, the PA media is full of updates about the race, the candidates, the issues, and the voters' opinions.

I read this article published in The New York Times on Friday, April 4, and at times I was almost at a loss for words by the comments. The article was about a small town in western Pennsylvania, Latrobe, home of Arnold Palmer, Mr. Rogers, and the banana split, where PA Senator Bob Casey announced his endorsement for Obama. The article, "In Ex-Steel City, Voters Deny Race Plays a Role," was about just that. This small, former steel town is 99% white, and many are not voting for Obama.

According to the article, "When dismissing Mr. Obama, voters in this former steel center, whatever their racial feelings, seem almost compelled to list their reasons, if only to preempt the unspoken race question." The townspeople feel the need to clarify the point that it's not because of race that they dislike Obama. They do so much clarifying, in fact, that one begins to wonder if race is in fact an issue. Here are some of the excuses...er...reasons that people in this town won't be voting for Barack Obama:

-"How can I vote for a president who won't wear a flag pin?"

-Except for his politics, he seems like a good thing for the country.

-"I don't say this because he's black, but the guy just seems arrogant to me, the way he expeccts things to go his way." Couldn't that just be confidence?

-Because he speaks very well, but has not talked about reviving the coal industry.

-Because he voted "present" too often as an Illinois state senator.

-Because he would not command respect of the military. Says who?

-Because there is something unsettling about his perfect calm. Ok, now they're digging for excuses.

-"I don't see Obama as a 'color,' but I do think he needs to get away from mimicking Dr. Martin Luther King. I'm not degrading Dr. King. I liked what he stood for, and it's a shame what happened to him. But Obabma needs to be his own person."

-"When I worked in the steel mill, there were always a few guys who were black. But you wouldn't even know they were black, we got along so well." Is that supposed to be a compliment, that they were more "well-behaved" than most blacks? Really?

-"It's not about race. It's about a feeling I have."

April Showers Bring:

I'm excited that it's April. A lot will be going on this month, and I know it will fly by quickly.

-When April is over I will have only a month and a half of teaching left for the school year. So, I have started looking for a summer job, and I think I'm going to nanny. I put an ad on craigslist and am meeting with a family tonight. I'm hoping to find just the right family and kids.

-A few months ago we were saying that by the end of April or May we'd like to know where we are headed in the Fall. Unless things move very quickly it looks like April may be out. But that's ok. Patience is a virtue, right?

-Michael's siblings are both coming to visit this month, but unfortunately missing each other by about 8 hours. Nick and Lindsay are coming in a couple weeks to visit NY where Lindsay will be going to graduate school in the Fall. They leave that Sunday and then Amy and Isabelle fly in that afternoon. Tim will be in Boston for work and is going to come down when he's done. Michael and I are both SUPER excited to see family (we haven't seen anyone since Christmas), and of course, we can't wait to see our niece who we've only seen when she was a week old. I can't wait to hold a baby!! (See next bullet point). And, we may get to see our other very close friends who will be in Virginia for a conference, and are going to try to drive up and visit. We are so excited for all these visitors!

-April 21st: The day I was due (by my calculations-we never actually went to the doctor while I was pregnant). I feel very aware of all my friends who found out they were pregnant at the same time as us, and are almost due or already had their baby. It's weird for me to think that I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant right now. I'm really thankful for the timing of Amy and Isabelle's visit, because I will get to hold a baby on the day I was supposed to be holding my own.

Blessings in the mail

This week I got a card in the mail from a very dear friend of mine. I have been blessed with a few (as Anne of Green Gables would say) "kindred spirits" in my life, and this is one of those friends. We may not talk every day, or even very often, but we have a connection and openness that revives instantly the moment we reconnect. I am thankful for my experience of being on summer staff at Twin Rocks, because when I think about people I value in my life, I'm amazed at how many precious friendships have come from that place, including this one.

It's been fun over the last few years to get updates from old summer staff members. New jobs, relationships, and a lot of weddings continue to happen (and after the weddings come the baby announcements). This year alone I can think of at least five weddings, and I'm sure there are more that I am forgetting.

But back to the card. In it were words of truth that brought tears to my eyes. As we both are struggling to have patience and wait upon the Lord for his timing, we have found encouragement from one another. As I read her words, I felt they echoed my own thoughts. So thank you, Dear Friend, for your words of encouragement and truth:

Our Lord is truly MIGHTY TO SAVE. If he can move mountains, he can surely bless us and grant us the desires of our heart. Whenever I begin to doubt...I reassure myself that God is all I need. I wanted to get married, and God blessed me with a wonderful husband. Anything else that happens now, I tell myself, is purely extra. I don't NEED a child. I would love to have one more than anything, but when it comes down to it God is really all I need...God can do so much for us in the "waiting."

And so I wait.

This week as a Substitute

I enjoyed my Spring Break last week, though much of it was spent getting over a nasty cold (I thought I should specify what kind of sick I was feeling, since certain family members were wondering if my sickness referred to flu-like symptoms), and working at the restaurant. Regardless, it was nice to have a break and time to slow down and see my husband.

The week before Spring Break I substituted most of the week in the Parenting/Childhood Development classroom. During the Parenting class we watched movies such as "Cheaper by the Dozen," "Parent Trap," and "Yours, Mine and Ours," as students studied family units. The Childhood development class is actually a preschool, where the high school students plan and teach lessons they've created. It was fun to get to spend the week with three and four years olds-they are undeniably adorable!

This week I am lucky enough to be substituting again for the same teacher. This week the Parenting class is studying (what else?) pregnancy. Today we watched a video, "Eating for two," all about how to handle nutrition and health during pregnancy, and tomorrow we will be watching a very scientific video showing the process of conception and fertilization (from the inside, of course!). And, I get to continue to enjoy working with the preschoolers. These kids are at such a fun age, where they are learning how to interact with peers, and always say the darndest things. All that to say that I'm enjoying substituting this week, though working with little ones is exhausting as well.

I've been at home sick for the past week. I called into work sick on Wednesday, pushed through Thursday, and stayed home all day Friday and Saturday. I tried working Sunday and came home after an hour. I'm feeling better today, and fortunately it's my Spring Break this week, so I have more time to rest. (I'm still working at the restaurant, but at least I can sleep in).

I think my body has been trying to tell me something: I'm working too much. Or rather, I need to rest more. I think I'm going to cut down to three closing shifts a week at the restaurant, at least for a little while. I get sick like this whenever I push myself too hard. Last spring this happened and I lost my voice for a couple days, in the midst of graduate school and student teaching. It's amazing that our bodies are made to let us know when we need to rest.

Springtime Thoughts

Psalm 71:5-7

O lord, you alone are my hope.
I've trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.

Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother's womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!

My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and my protection.

These verses have been on my mind and heart over the last few weeks. I was doing a Bible study activity, studying about how God is, among many names, my Hope. The reference was for the first verse, but as I read on I was amazed at how much the words spoke to where I am at.

I haven't written about what's on my mind as much as I could. For one, I go days without checking my email or using the computer. (I started this blog two days ago and am just now able to continue). Two, I wonder at times whether what I am thinking is worth writing about for others to read.

But, for what it's worth, I'll share a little bit:

Lately my biggest struggle is not being able to go very long without thinking about my hopes and desires for a baby. I thought I was handling it fine, and mostly I am, but some days it's hard. It's hard because we are waiting to know what our future looks like, and I am struggling between being practical and giving into my need to ease my immediate hopes and longings. Does that make me selfish also? Unhappiness with both of my jobs probably adds to my current anxiety. Being that it is spring time, this all comes to my mind more often. I would be due in a month. My friends from college just had their baby, and they were due a month before we were. I had kept track of how many friends and family were pregnant when we were, and now many of them have already had their baby.

It's springtime, and I am looking forward to warmer days, and sunshine, and getting little steps closer to knowing our future: where? when? how long? what will we be doing? And, when will the wait be over?

New days

I've been at my new job the last two days. Yesterday was crazy because I was in the Academic Support room, sometimes called the "emotional support" room, where kids who are either on IEPs (Individual Educational Plans such as getting extra test time, or hard copies of all notes), or are struggling with class and/or failing. These kids had attitude. I worked in there with two other aides, so I sort of took the backseat and let them run the room like usual. This plan has worked in the other two schools where I would sub in the special ed rooms. Unfortunately, I realized too late, this class was a bit different, and walked all over the aides. At one point a student who wandered in the room to "take a ten minute nap" while on his lunch break, and instead proceeded to check his facebook, blew up at an aide, used foul language, and slammed the door on the way out. Needless to say I had to follow him out into the hall and have a little talking to with him. That is NOT ok to do, ever.

Today was much better. I subbed for a social studies teacher, and got to sit in on the first hour of a class where actual teaching and discussion was happening. It was refreshing to remember what that was like, and it made me miss not having my own students and classes to teach. But I did enjoy myself today. Knowing that I'm a permanent fixture (at least for the rest of the year) means I felt more like I was settling in to a new home, and the teachers were very friendly and chatty and welcoming in the teacher workrooms.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the next few months and feeling more like I belong rather than an outsider that's temporary.

Continuing Thoughs

I wanted to add to my last post. Krista, thanks so much for the perspective on numbers. I actually wasn't sure the exact numbers, so I did a little research.

The total number of legal abortions in the United States since 1973 (Roe v. Wade) is estimated at anywhere from 35-46 million. That is a lot. A very significant number not to be ignored. More than I may have guessed if put on the spot. Another study said that from 1920-2000 it is estimated that there have been anywhere from 527-836 million abortions worldwide. WOW! It's sickening, isn't it? This includes all countries and forms of practices throughout the world.

To find the number of casualties, deaths, or lives lost in war, any war, or all wars is a big project. I found a few websites that list the number of estimated deaths in the 20th century. This includes civilians, military, and other deaths (like famine) caused by war. Again, having studied history I do not think it is black and white whether every war can be avoided, but considering the numbers I would like to hope we could exhaust all other options first. Especially when John McCain tells us we may be in Iraq for another 100 YEARS!

The following information was taken from this website:

(Matthew White, Historical Atlas of the Twentieth Century, 2001):

* Deaths by War and Oppression:
o Genocide and Tyranny:
+ 83,000,000
o Military Deaths in War:
+ 42,000,000
o Civilian Deaths in War:
+ 19,000,000
o Man-made Famine:
+ 44,000,000
o TOTAL:
+ 188,000,000

I want to reemphasize that the number of legal abortions is extremely significant (though if it wasn't legal the number of illegal would increase), and that I'm not discounting that. Back to my original point, we could look at the number of deaths based on poverty, racism, lack of medical care, and war, and realize there are a lot of issues that our politicians need to address. All of this can be touchy without any answers in black and white (hence the name of my blog!), but I believe it's healthy to discuss and keep our minds, hearts, and spirits challenging the status quo, especially as Christians.

Thoughts on Politics

I have been watching this presidential nomination process very closely. I find myself nervous at times, and dare I say emotional as I listen to speeches that speak to me and allow me to dream about future possibilities. I go online as soon as the polls are expected to close to see what the results are, I watch CNN and MSNBC while I work out at the gym, I read the newspaper and online news constantly.

Last night I was reading Gregg's Gabmles post on Presidential Politics. I loved his post, and have felt the same as I've heard both Michelle and Barack Obama speak. I too, find myself saying YES! to my computer screen as I watch speeches. And truthfully, I tried to keep an open mind about Hillary. I didn't read her book, as I did Obama's, but I tried to read about her policies and be open to what she may have to say. But try as I might, lately she has repulsed me. I've read and seen videos showing how manipulative and power-hungry she is, heard testimonies of some of her closest advisers, and I just cringe.

I read the comments following Gregg's post, and had mixed feelings. One person compared the Obama fever with the 1960s and the way Americans flocked to JFK after an old timer like Eisenhower. I see similarities in this, as I studied a lot of American history to receive my history degree, but I think there is a difference here. JFK had political connections we can't even imagine because of his name, there was a long history of corruption (he received winning votes from people who weren't alive, for example), and in some ways was in the right place at the right time. True, in many ways he proved ill-equipped to handle the nation's problems. Obama, on the other hand, is competing heavily with another politician who has "experience," and thus if Obama wins it's not because no viable candidate ran against him. Many argue that Obama is all talk and no show, but listening, truly listening to his words, one can come to realize that this is no ordinary politician. Sure, he's forced to play the game, (he acknowledges in his book that unfortunately this is how our country runs its politics), but he has hope that this can change. More importantly, he is aware of the need for it to change.

This same commenter also said, "his stand on the value of human life scares me," to which another commenter responded well, saying "we have plenty of already LIVING human beings dying." To which I say, "That friend speaks my mind!"

This gets into one of the first issues I ever blogged about, why I started this blog in the first place. Why are so many Christians so focused on one or two issues (abortion and homosexuality) that they are willing to overlook so many other issues?? How can Republicans (and many Christians) be so Pro-Life yet be Pro-military and Pro-kill-all-enemies-of-America-because-God's-on-our-side? How many more millions of people have died in war than from abortion? Believe me, I am against abortion, but why do so many support life before birth, to virtually ignore issues of poverty and injustice once these babies are born?

I may not fully support Obama's Pro-Choice stance on abortion, but to me, his stance on poverty, education, ending the war, and many other issues seems much more "Pro-Life" than any other candidate running for the Presidential nomination in any party.

Thanks Gregg, for the thoughts!

Snowy Afternoon

It's snowing right now. I'm home at 11:30 because the school district called for an early release due to icy roads expected this afternoon. I have the whole afternoon and evening off!

The school I interviewed with yesterday called me yesterday and offered me the building sub position for the high school. I told them I'd let them know today, but as I thought about it last night I realized I have no reason not to take it, except not having too much flexibility during the week, but that's real life, right? I could think of many more reasons why I should: better pay, guaranteed job every day through the end of the school year, never having to deal with sub callers or waking up at 5 am to check for new jobs online, it will look good on a resume to be a building substitute versus a per diem sub, limited benefits (though I'm not sure what, some sick days/personal days).

So, I think I am going to call today and accept the job. I always feel bad letting other people down (the other two schools I work at), but I have to do what's best for me in this case.

Catching up

During the week I don't have much time to blog, so my mind begins to accumulate things I want to mention. Here's a few of them.

1. I joined a women's Bible study at our new church, and it starts tonight. We're reading "The Power of a Praying Woman" and I'm really excited. One of Michael's professors joined it also, so I'm looking forward to getting to know her better as well.

2. A group of friends from Michael's program started an indoor coed soccer team. Our first game was last Thursday, and I'm still sore. It's going to be a lot of fun, though I was a little intimidated at first because every person on the team but me played collegiate soccer (well, the goalie didn't either).

3. Today I interviewed for a building substitute position in a district I've subbed in only three times. If I get it, it means I would have a guaranteed job every single day for the rest of the school year. I'm not quite sure if I want that though. Plus, I really enjoy the other two districts that I sub in most of the time.

4. I've never practiced Lent, although one year Michael and I tried to give up ice cream, and that lasted about two days. This year I was thinking about it while at work, and decided I'd give up "complaining at work." So far I've done really well, and I feel like my overall attitude (and tips?!) have improved.

5. I meant to blog about this a long time ago. Last fall after our miscarriage Michael and I were trying to come up with something to help us in our grieving and healing process. We never picked a name (some people do despite not knowing a gender), so finally we decided to buy a teddy bear to have something tangible and significant to us. We went to Build-A-Bear and found the cutest bear with little patches on it. We went through the process of stuffing the bear, putting the heart inside the bear, and naming the bear. The tag it came with called the bear Champ, saying it is a "brave fighter," and the patches represent overcome struggles. The patches are a symbol of a young girl who passed away from cancer at 15, and the idea behind the bear is to let kids know it's ok to need help and share your feelings/struggles. For some reason we just loved the bear. We ended up getting the bear on the same day that our niece, Isabelle, was born, which was also special for us.




6. Over the last two weekends we've been able to visit with friends from Oregon who now live in New Jersey. Two weekends ago we gave our friends a tour of downtown Philadelphia, Liberty Bell and all. Last Saturday we drove up to Princeton where our other friends just moved back to, and got to spend the day visiting with them and touring Princeton. It's fun to have a little bit of Oregon on the east coast.



Love Park


Princeton University

Super Tuesday

Holding my breath on Super Tuesday. I'm actually nervous and anxious.

I hope all you Idaho and Colorado folks (and many others) are voting today!

It's definitely time for a change.

Pennsylvania Random Facts 101

I learned a few fun facts about Pennsylvania this week:

-No matter where you are in the state, you are never more than 25 miles from a state park.

-PA is 33rd in size (area) but 5th by population.

-Native residents of PA are more likely to stay here, in their home state, than any other state in the nation.

-1/3 of PA residents live in rural areas, the largest non-urban population in the nation.

-PA drivers have the 3rd lowest auto mileage in the nation, probably due to the fact that most live less than 25 minutes from work.

-There are more bridges in the state (57,000) than any area on earth its size.

-William Penn owned it all (no commoner in history before or since has personally owned so much land).

-PA's road systems are equal to all of New England and New Jersey highways, local roads, and city streets combined.

-PA German carpenters in the 1730s built Conestoga wagons with a "lazy board" at the front left for the driver to stand on. All U.S. vehicles have had the driver on the left ever since.

-PA is one of only three states with more than one major orchestra and art museum and more than one team in major league baseball, football, and hockey.

Age is how you feel, right?

The other night I was hanging out with two other wives while Michael and the two husbands did homework. Somehow we started talking about age. I know that Heidi graduated a year after me, and Emily graduated a year before me. At some point I made a comment about being 24, and Heidi told me I am actually 25, which of course I had to disagree with. And Em said she was 24 also, about to turn 25. Then we realized that doesn't make sense, and we kept talking back and forth, trying to figure out our ages. I actually had to pull out a piece of paper and do the math:

2007
-1982
-------
25

Em and I were both born in 1982, so we realized that we had to be 25, and that she will turn 26 soon (in 2008). I wasn't convinced until I remembered Michael had his golden birthday last year (24 on the 24th), and I realized if he is going to be 25 soon then I just turned 25.

Someone just asked me at work how old I am and I told them I just turned 24.

I guess this means I'm getting old, when I have no idea how old I am anymore.

Driving home from work...

Today's outrageous NPR comment:

A woman called in to the show and said she really likes Barack Obama. In fact, he's her number one choice. But she's not sure if she's going to vote for him because she's afraid that if he is elected he will be assassinated. Apparently, there is momentum behind this idea; there are people who want Obama to be President but are afraid they would be to blame for his assassination if they vote him into the White House.

Wow.

This is almost as crazy as the woman who came into the restaurant I serve in last Fall and told me that if Clinton is elected President, Obama will be VP (which I don't think would happen), and then he will plot her assassination so he can become President and force all Americans to become Muslim.

Double Wow.

Only because you asked...

My sister-in-law, Amy, tagged me, and since I never usually respond to these I thought I would for once. I came up with this list today while I was substituting.


6 Non-Important things/habits/quirks about myself:

1. I love history, especially American history, and love teaching it in a way students want to learn it, and can realize how much it really does affect them. (Most people think of history as boring, date memorization and/or irrelevant to today.) The corollary to this is that I'm a nerd.

2. One of the things I'd like to do before I die is write a best-selling novel. I've had this idea for as long as I can remember. Maybe a semi-autobiographical novel-type. Or a historical novel. I go back and forth between the two.

3. I aspire to be a morning person. Morning People seem so...motivated. Unfortunately, I am a night owl who enjoys sleeping in. On the plus side, I married a night owl who enjoys sleeping in with me.

4. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies, and movies, books, and TV shows that make me cry. I weep like a baby when I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "The Notebook" and "Armageddon," to name a few. A lot of books make me ball my eyes out as well.

5. I believe a good cry is good for the soul. Every once in a while I have to have a good cry. I never really know when it's coming, and then it just sweeps in like a tornado with no warning. (This Good Cry is not to be confused with The PMS Cry, which is totally different and comes like clockwork.) Luckily, Michael has known this about me for a long time, and knows exactly what to do when the tears come: just hug me and let me cry it out. He usually says something like, "you haven't had a good cry in a while, have you?" as I try to explain why I'm crying, though I'm unsure myself.

6. Certain issues get me fired up (see previous post), including, but not limited to the following: the inadequacies of our government to meet the needs of many people, especially in areas of education, poverty, and lack of medical care. And lately, I've been really bothered by the pretense that our country is diverse and "equal," when there is no doubt of the inequalities in our country, specifically in the area of racial segregation. We are doing a disservice to our young people to teach them that our country offers equal opportunities for minorities and the poor, that desegregation is a thing of the past, when it is a pure fact that segregation is not a thing of the past. The percentage of segregated schools in our nation rivals (is within a few percentage points of) the number at the time of Brown v. Board of Education in the mid-1950s and the height of the civil rights movement. We are not making much progress, and we should not let students grow up thinking we are. There is no such thing as equal access to education in this country. Not when I live two blocks from a brand new, multi-million dollar middle school building, and schools within an hour from here have outdated textbooks, underpaid and inexperienced teachers, buildings with little or no heat or air conditioning, and the list could go on and on. Not to mention that many of these poorer schools are 100% non-white, and many of the best schools are almost 100% white.

Ok, I went on a little tangent on the last one, but there you have it.

So now I have to tag 3 others:

Michael
Luke
Bev

What decade, or century, or millenium is this anyway?

As I was driving home from work a few minutes ago, I was listening to NPR, as I always do. The topic of conversation was the Presidential election, and callers were giving their opinions about the candidates.

I am shaking with anger. I know that this country is full of ignorant people, but I like to have more hope in people.

A listener from Georgia (or somewhere else in the South, maybe Florida?) called in and said he is a Democrat who is voting for Hilary Clinton. He went on to say that if Clinton doesn't become the Democratic candidate he will vote for McCain for a few reasons, saying Obama seems to be all talk and no substance. Fine. His second reason (and according to him the opinion of all his friends) is race. He said that despite what anyone can say, race will be a determining factor for the next President-elect. The NPR host clarified by saying to the caller, "So, you are saying that our country is not ready for an African-American President?" And the caller, being directly questioned, admitted, "yes."

My hands literally started shaking. I was so upset, that people really think that a man like Barack Obama can't become President simply because of his the color of his skin, and that this man from somewhere down South was willing to admit on national radio that he won't vote for a man because of his race.

(I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. See #6 on my next post.)

Yet another reason I want to teach social studies. Too many people in our country are so ignorant it is almost inconceivable.

Other Blog

Michael and I have been slowly keeping two lists of observations from living here in Pennsylvania:

-Perceptions of Oregon
-Differences between Pennsylvania and Oregon

I posted this list on our other blog. Check it out.

Thoughts in Church

I wrote on my last blog that I was worried about people asking me "are you trying again yet?" Four (maybe more?) people have asked me that in the last few days. And a few others have asked me when we plan to have kids.

At church we usually sit in the back, which is where parents with young infants also tend to sit. So, each week at church Michael and I usually find ourselves watching little babies all service. OK, maybe it's more me than him, but I always point the babies out to Michael because they are always so adorable. Even as I sit here at the coffee shop there is a smiley, pudgy little baby sitting across from me. I see babies everywhere I go! Or, maybe my baby-radar is more acute?

I think I've mentioned this before, but I can't remember a single time I've been to church in the last few months and not cried, or teared up at least. I can't quite explain it, but I've realized I'm not communicating with God as much lately as I could/should be.

In some ways I think I'm afraid to be honest about being disappointed with God. This is a big deal. The devotional book I was reading after the miscarriage talked about this and challenged me in this area. It asked me to confront my true emotions regarding God's role (which is what?) in this, and asked me if I was upset with God. The point in the book was that it's OK to be upset with God, as that's an emotion of grief, as long as I begin to work through it. Is it OK to be upset with God? What does that really mean? In another section she actually presents the idea that we may feel the need to forgive God. Not that this means God did something that needs forgiving, but maybe in our hearts we have an emotion that needs to go through the process of releasing and "forgiving." Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm curious if anyone has an opinion or insight about this.

Back to church. When I'm at church my heart finds this place where it's raw and sensitive and honest, and without even realizing it I find myself just aching a little. And wanting to understand God's timing in a way that I can't right now. And wondering about the future. And exchanging smiles with the baby in the seat in front of me.

Restless

I've had random things on my mind over the last few days:

-Our Christmas/New Year Letter is finished! And more importantly, has been printed and mailed out. This is a big accomplishment since last year's letter was written but never sent.

-Money. Gotta' have it, especially when cost of living is so much higher here than back in Oregon. Gotta' work to get it, which is best when you like your job(s) (more on that in a moment). Today we received an unexpected last paycheck from Michael's job that he quit last spring at the high school in Salem. God continues to provide for us in times of need.

-Work. I'm reading a book about teaching right now, and it makes me miss real teaching. Not that student teaching is exactly "real teaching," but it's the closest I've gotten to teaching so far. But I do wish for my own classroom, to really have a chance to make an impact and do something meaningful. Substituting is hardly meaningful or rewarding, except for the very few students that I'm starting to have repeatedly, and know by name.

-Working out. I joined a gym and have dedicated myself to staying in shape. Plus, I figure Michael will be busy with schoolwork, so it will give me something to do. We still don't have a TV, so I get my TV fix while I work out. Working out has the added benefit of causing me to eat better and take better care of myself.

-Second semester. Michael starts school again on the 14th, which means another busy semester is about to begin. We are trying to enjoy as much time as we can together (between both our current work schedules) before the craziness of school begins again.

-Summer/Fall. I'm anxious about the future, as always. We're both excited to figure out where we will be heading this Fall. Because it's a new calendar year I seem to be reflecting more on what this year will bring. We're not sure when we will head to Oregon again, and we know Michael has school for the entire year.

-And the topic on my mind the most: Will this be the year we have a baby/get pregnant again? We hope so. But, we feel that we must wait until we have a better idea of our overseas plans before we can plan for that. So for now, we are waiting. The advantage of not telling anyone we were trying the first time meant no one had a clue and therefore no one could ever ask us, "so, are you pregnant yet?" I am afraid that people are starting to wonder, "are they going to start trying again?" It's been more than three months since the miscarriage. Overall, I'm doing well, but I have days when I find myself teary-eyed for no explained reason, except really, I know why. In some ways that's frustrating, to realize that I may find myself sad at unexpected moments for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am glad to know that something that has felt so much a part of who I am now will remain.

Servers are Complainers are Servers

I'm working on not complaining as much.

As a server (Yes we use this word not waiter or waitress), it seems inevitable that at some point every server will become a full-fledged complainer. Nothing will satisfy an experienced server.

Things servers complain about:

-Not enough tables
-Too many tables
-Not enough money
-Bad table sections
-Food comes out too slow
-Food comes out too fast
-Too many tables with not enough people
-Bad tips
-"Campers" (people who "camp out" for an extended period of time)
-Tables of two (never usually a money maker)
-Tables with kids
-Kids who order chocolate milk (we have to stir it up and make it ourselves)
-Parents who let their kids order, thinking it gives them some sense of responsibility, but really they just get shy and take ten minutes to order
-Not enough tables
-Sunday afternoon customers (are the stingiest tippers...because all the money went to tithing???)
-Not enough money
-Getting a whole bunch of tables at the same time
-Other servers are lazy
-Big parties who all order only water (Double complaints for lemons in the water!)
-Staying on the clock at not having enough tables

-Don't want to be at work, but don't make enough money....hmmmmm....


The list could go on and on. Basically, servers are never happy. I include myself in this list, though I am working hard to not complain. Complaining among servers festers and builds upon each other, and is not helpful. So I write this mostly to try to commit to making an effort to being positive.

Time to head back to work.

Christmas Vacation

We're home! Or did we just get back from "going home for Christmas?" I'm not sure where or what to call home, but either way, we're back in Pennsylvania.

And back to work. Our flight home from Portland took us to Seattle (with a four hour layover), and then to San Francisco, and with a delayed flight of over four hours, we finally slipped into bed around 5 am, almost 24 hours after we left Oregon. We slept in until 3:00 and I had to be at work at 4.

It was really good to be in Oregon. Michael and I had forgotten how much it rains in Oregon! We were blessed to see so many of our friends and family, many of whom we weren't sure if we would get to see.

One of the highlights of our trip was spending a day in Newberg, Michael's hometown and our college town, as well as where we got married. We spent a good amount of time at Chapters, our FAVORITE coffee shop, and actually ordered drinks twice while we were there, just to savor the coffee we so dearly miss. (Sidenote: We really miss good northwest espresso-especially Stumptown at Chapters.) Besides having amazing coffee, Chapters is the place to be in Newberg to just "run into" people. We ended up seeing many friends that were just stopping by for their own cup of joe. We also went over to Newberg Friends Church and got to visit with some of the pastoral staff (we worked as interns there during our senior year of college).

We were able to connect with some of our friends from Twin Rocks and Salem as well.

And of course, it was great to see both of our families, including a niece and two nephews.

It was good to be home for Christmas, especially because we aren't really sure where we will be next Christmas, and when we will get to visit out there again.

Michael doesn't start school again until January 14th, so he'll be working some and enjoying his break, while I will begin subbing again next week. And, trying to get our Christmas (New Year?) letter written! (We didn't get one out last year, so we'll see what happens).

More reading

Books I've read in the last few weeks:

"The Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" both by Khaled Hosseini-These are both excellent! I can't wait to see the movie that came out last weekend.

"Divisadero" by Michael Ondaatje (author of "The English Patient")

"Blood Done Sign My Name" by Timothy Tyson

"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy (Kind of slow and depressing, an Oprah's Book Club selection)

"Catch-22" by Joseph Heller (I've started this one three times and finally finished it!)

"The River Why" by David James Duncan

Wintertime in Wayne

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because Michael has needed the computer non-stop for the last few weeks to finish a crazy amount of papers and projects for school. And I've been really busy teaching all day and working at the restaurant a lot.

Some highlights over the last few weeks:

-I haven't been enjoying substituting too much. (I sub every single day). It's much better than working in the restaurant, but being a sub is nothing like being a teacher and having my own room. As I've said before, subbing is more like "glorified babysitting," and I feel like I have to be stern and don't get to enjoy the students like I did last year student teaching. I find myself missing my students from last year. Only a few times have I actually had the chance to "teach," and lead class discussions, and those have been really good days.

-We went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and saw our brand new niece. It was really fun to be around family after being in PA for a few months, away from family and friends. Being around a brand new baby was therapy for me, though I had mixed emotions all weekend. I am so, so thankful that my bro/sister-in-law finally have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby girl. So thankful, in fact, I was moved to tears throughout the weekend. I think I also found myself in tears at times knowing my turn is yet to come. But I think it helped me be more at terms with our own timing. So thanks, Tim and Amy, for letting us be there to experience those first few days with you.

-The high school I sub at was recently ranked 79th in the nation by World News Report. Over the last few weeks seniors are applying to colleges and hearing back if they got into their school(s) of choice, among them Ivy League schools and very elite schools. I have a hard time relating, since I don't remember being too nervous about getting into school-the league of schools is much different. It's such a different world here in so many ways.

-I had my 25th birthday last week. I feel old, although I did have a teacher ask me for my hall pass a few weeks ago. And I had a student tell me he thought I was a student when he first walked into class.

-This Tuesday Michael and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary. It's been the best year for us by far. Lately we've noticed how much fun we have together, and have grown so much closer this year. We are so excited for what the year to come will bring.

-We got our first real snow fall here, and I loved every second of it!! (Except the few seconds when I almost slid into a brand new Chevy Suburban while getting used to driving in the snow/ice).

-We're headed home to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and to see friends and family, and we have been looking forward to it immensely!

Tomorrow we're headed to Colorado for Thanksgiving. We have reason to be extra thankful this year, as our brand new niece entered the world last Friday. We are excited for a break and to be around family.

Real Life on TV

The other day my mom told me about an episode of "Brothers & Sisters," a show I have never seen. In the episode, one of the characters has a miscarriage, and then a D & C (I had a D & E). I decided to watch it...

The beginning of the show started with the excitement of having just discovered the pregnancy. Because I knew what was going to happen, I kept waiting for the sad event to happen. She went to the OBGYN and had an ultrasound. I felt like in a way I was reliving my own experience, except she had no idea what was about to happen, and I did. The doctor looked at the screen, expecting everything to be fine, and then adjusted the screen, staring at it more closely for a few moments. At this point, the woman sensed something was wrong.

I remember watching the face of my ultrasound technician, laying there at 1:30 in the morning. She looked for an extra amount of time on the screen, while Michael and I both held each others' hands and our breath in anticipation. Deep down we knew the news was bad, especially as we studied her face and saw in her eyes a hopelessness as she spent extra time searching the screen for some sign of life.

The doctor on the show then told the woman, "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but I can't find a heartbeat." Those were the same words we heard that night, and the memory of it hit me all over again.

Later in the episode the woman admits she can't bring herself to drink a cup of coffee. That would somehow validate the truth that she no longer needs to be aware of what she eats or drinks-I remember going through that same thought process. At the end of the show, after her surgery, the woman said to her mom, "I think I just need to be sad for a while." Only someone who has experienced that kind of loss can understand the true depth of those words.

What I've learned through this whole process is that there are times when I just need to embrace the sadness that washes over me. Sometimes the sadness hits as a direct response to something, like seeing a pregnant woman or a brand new infant or getting an email from a pregnant friend. But sometimes it's a bit more subtle, when it's just a "normal" day, yet somewhere deep down I feel a little empty, like a piece of me is missing.

I've noticed that the sad moments have decreased in frequency, though they still happen. And I think as time moves on, they will continue to decrease in amount though not always in intensity. Part of me knows that these sad moments will never completely disappear, and truthfully, I don't want them to.

Back in the School Environment

Since I started substituting I have been very busy. I've been glad to get called almost every day, and mostly in the same building which is only a few minutes from our apartment. After only a couple weeks, though, I'm already realizing how different this is than having my own room with my own students. I don't have nearly as much of an opportunity to build relationships with students.

The other day I was subbing for a study hall and a student asked to go to his locker. He came back a little while later and reeked of cigarette smoke. He had been working really hard on his math homework. Then he sat talking to a friend telling him how his parents keep making him take drug tests, and he's figured out how to get around them, and how if they find him taking drugs again they are sending him to a rehab/boot camp place in Utah.

And of course, he didn't think I could hear a word he was saying, as all students think teachers, especially substitutes, are deaf. I sat there frustrated, knowing there was no real point in confronting him or doing anything about the fact that I suspected that he was smoking. Not to mention, he could care less. He obviously had bigger problems. The thing that killed me was that if I were his regular teacher, and had built a relationship with him, I would have felt more compelled to do something. He seemed to care a little about homework- he was sitting there working on his math for most of the period.

I don't mind substituting. One of the big perks is that I read all day. Usually I pass out a worksheet for the students to work on, or they watch a movie. Most teachers just make the lesson plans super easy for a sub, so I am more like a glorified babysitter for high school (and occasionally middle school) students.
So, I have read a lot of books. In the past week I've read the following:

Barack Obama's "Audacity of Hope"
"The Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" by Ishmael Beah
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and "For One More Day" both by Mitch Albom
"Child of the Jungle" by Sabine Kuegler

Coping

My emotions have been up and down lately. Last weekend at church during a baby dedication I found myself completely fine as the pastor shared a few words, and the moment he stared praying I began weeping uncontrollably. I may be entering a depression stage of grief, because I find myself sad beyond words. I zone out and stare off into space, and my heart feels heavy. Michael senses my sadness, and wants me to be open to talking about it with him, but truthfully, I have no words. The only thing I find myself being able to verbalize, is "I'm feeling sad today," which is usually followed by a bout of tears.

It's been good to process with our friends that I posted about the other day, who recently had a miscarriage. Knowing that someone else is going through some of the same emotions at almost the same time is helpful, somehow, because it simply validates everything I'm feeling. And, she understands the struggle to deal with everyday life (as everyone else moves on) in the midst of grief.

It's been five weeks. In some ways it feels like it just happened, and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago. Michael and I have continued to dialogue about our future, as we keep thinking about post-graduate school. The internship he is required to have next fall could be just that-a three month "internship" where we would leave after it's done-or, it could be a full-time job that is more long-term. And I find myself trying to figure out how a baby will fit into the picture-or rather, when.

I still see babies and young children at work and hear myself automatically thinking, "I want a baby of my own." And I also want to say to these mothers, "I hope you are cherishing every second with your little child, because you are so lucky to have a healthy baby." Sometimes I think more deeply, "Well, maybe they have had a hard time too. I don't know their story."

And then I find myself looking around, wondering how many others are grieving some kind of loss, but are forced to carry on with life, pasting on a smile and going through the motions of every day life.

Busy

I haven't had much time with the computer because Michael usually has it for school. Plus, our "free" internet is no longer available in our apartment, so we are limited that way.

I've been busy lately, with interviews and working. Yesterday was my first official day substituting! It was anti-climatic, because all I did was push play on a DVD player for three periods. Today I have another interview with a district much closer, and I have a third interview next week, in a district that is a block or two from our apartment. I think three districts will be good for now. We'll see what happens, though I had to turn down a sub job this morning because of my interview today.

Last weekend we went to New Jersey to see Oregon friends. I'll post some pictures of our apple-picking adventure later.

Shout outs to the in-laws

Today was a good mail day.

I finally received my Pennsylvania Teaching License in the mail!! I've spent the last couple hours putting together my application packet for a local school district, and tomorrow I am going to sign papers with the other district that I am already hired in. We received a new copier/printer from Michael's brother Nick in the mail a couple weeks ago, and it has already proved to be extremely useful. For every position I apply to I have to make multiple copies of clearances, forms, and certifications. Usually I have to run to the store and make copies, but here I am at midnight making copies from home. It's awesome. (Thanks again Nick!)

The other exciting piece of mail came as a result of a previous post in which we had just discovered that this area of the country has no maple bars. My mother-in-law sent us a package today with maple bars! We are so excited, and can't wait to show our friends this Northwest treat. (So, thanks Bev!)

Please Pray

We found out today that our friends who were due a week before we were had a miscarriage today. Because they were further a long they are going into the hospital tonight to induce labor. Please pray for them.

Processing

It's been three weeks since the miscarriage. I've been keeping myself very busy, and have been surprised how emotionally drained I feel when I finally stop and breathe. The devotional book I'm reading has talked about how this can be a coping mechanism, I just didn't think I was busy for the sake of being busy. I'm noticing though, that it seems to help keep my mind not focused on the grief.

Today I met with my doctor who performed the surgery at the hospital. I'm back to "normal," and everything is fine (at least physically).

Lately what's been hard is realizing how far along "I would be." One set of close friends is about a month further along then I would have been, and another couple is about a week further along. As I get updates, and realize they are beginning to "show" or even feel the baby kick, I am reminded of what I am missing out on. And I also realize that I will be making these comparisons in my head throughout the rest of their pregnancies, if not even longer than that.

I also just found out that my brother and his wife are expecting in June. I am very excited for them, especially because of the grace God has shown in completely restoring a broken relationship between us, not to mention seeing them go through the process of dedicating their lives to the Lord. It's been a direct, tangible answer to a lot of prayer. This is their second child, and I am so excited to get to be a part of their lives for this pregnancy. I know they were somewhat hesitant to share their news with us, because of our recent loss, but I am so excited for them. I did find myself calculating that this would have meant our child would have had two cousins within six months.

It's hard knowing that my grief process is so different from those around me. Months from now when I may be still feeling the loss acutely, others may barely remember. But that's ok. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I almost always reply, "Just taking it one day at a time." Because that's all I can do.

It's About Time...

My Pennsylvania Teaching License Application has been officially approved, and according to my status on the Dept. of Ed website, they have issued me my license and sent it in the mail!!! That was yesterday, so I should get it by Friday.

Finally!

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.

Doreen Sexton

Ryan Gosling at Bertuccis!

Starstruck

Tonight at work a man and woman walked in and asked for a corner booth. A few minutes later I walked by and recognized the guy: it was RYAN GOSLING!!

I walked to the back of the restaurant and asked a couple other servers. We all were pretty sure it was him, though he had a thick, bushy beard. I'll be the first to admit...we were absolutely starstruck. "The Notebook" is one of my all-time favorite movies, which Ryan Gosling stars in, and ever since that movie I've always tried to watch his movies. I actually texted Michael from work because I knew he knows how much I like that movie and Ryan Gosling!

Every server except one was a girl, and some were acting like complete schoolgirls. (OK-all of us were). We decided to leave him alone for most of the night, and thought that maybe we'd ask him for a picture as he was leaving. I took the opportunity to take him his pizza plates and pizza stand, just so I had an excuse to talk to him and see if it was really him. As soon as he said "thank you" I knew it was him.

The last bit of confirmation came when he paid the bill, and his credit card said R Gosling. So, we had the manager ask him for a picture as he walked out the door and a group of ten or so of us servers took pictures with him. He was very friendly. When we asked him if we could take a picture, he said, "sure, as long as you don't think I'm Ryan Reynolds." We all laughed. I guess he gets that a lot?? He also told us we smelled good, because one of the girls had put on perfume! He told us he is filming a movie nearby. I came home and looked it up. The movie is "The Lovely Bones." Sounds like an odd movie, although I heard the book was really good. The book's setting is right near here, around Valley Forge National Park (which is only a few minutes away), and they are filming there as well.

Well, that was my moment with a movie star. I know he's just a person, but I was amazed how easy it was to get caught up in the hype of being near a super star.
I am going to post the picture as soon as I get it.

Grief

Michael bought me a devotional book, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew." I have only worked through the first few days of it, but it has already been a good resource for me. It asks me tough questions, and it prompts me to journal, which is my way of processing just about everything.

Yesterday's section told the story from 1 Kings 3:16 where two women have come to King Solomon. One woman claims the other's baby has died, and has switched their babies in the night. Solomon, in his wisdom, asks for a sword. He then proclaims that they will simply cut the baby in half, to share. The real mother immediately cries, "no, let her have the baby. Just don't kill him!" The other mother says, "yes, if I can't have him neither of us can." And Solomon knew the first woman was the real mother.

The point of the devotional was to empathize with (but not condone) the woman who stole the baby. She wakes up in the middle of the night to find her baby is not breathing. She panics, and aches to hold a real, living baby again. Maybe she just wanted to hold the other baby for a minute, or maybe she was disillusioned somehow. Who knows? But the point is that she ached so badly for the loss of her child that she wanted to hold a real, alive baby. I believe this was her defense mechanism. She just didn't know what to do with her sudden, deep grief.

As I read this story I remembered that a few nights ago at work I served a couple who had their 10 1/2 month twin girls with them. They were beyond adorable-happy, sweet, and smiled at me every time I came to the table. I began talking with the couple, asking them about their experience with twins. I have always had an acute interest in twins since I had a twin who died before birth. Eventually, somehow, as they encouraged me to try to start having kids sooner than later (they were probably at least ten years older than me and felt that their age made the pregnancy more difficult), I ended up sharing with them about my recent miscarriage. And I found myself aching to hold their little precious ones.

As I read this account in 1 Kings, I related to the woman's desire to be comforted in her grief by holding a baby. And I look forward to the next baby I will get to hold and hug and be reminded of God's grace.

Give Thanks in Everything...

One of my biggest struggles over the last two weeks has been patience. I've already written about this some, but as I read through my journal entries over the last week, I realize it's a constant theme.

Some days I feel like the girl on Willy Wonka, who gets everything she wants when she wants it. I have wrestled with God over this, at times feeling like the girl, thinking "But I want it NOW!" I felt like I was ready for a baby, and my need for immediate gratification causes me to feel impatient that MY timing wasn't the right timing.

I do think in other ways, however, I am realizing all the areas I need to grow, and am learning to be thankful for this unexpected opportunity for growth. I also feel like Michael and I have grown so much closer already through this shared experience, and I will be forever grateful for the way he's handled this, and the way we are grieving and coping together. The Lord has been so good to me to give me the gift of my husband.