Trust

Michael is at his first day of school. It's definitely been a long time coming and we were both very excited for today to arrive. Normally, the night before school starts is always a restless one for me, and this one was no exception. This is funny, since I'm not even the one going to school.

We went to our first church here in PA yesterday. It was OK, but I think we will keep looking.

Even so, the message still spoke to me. The pastor started off the sermon by telling a story about "Tim and Terri," a couple who had lost a baby at birth, twice. The story hit close to home, both because we're pregnant and because of how similar the story was to another family member.

The bulletin asked for prayer for a little 2 year old boy who had been found drowned in a pool and in a coma. During the sermon the pastor shared that this little boy passed away on Friday.

The bulk of the sermon was on Zechariah, the second-to-last book of the Old Testament. The main point was that in this book this prophet is announcing that God will fulfill all his promises to Jerusalem, and to not give up. Regardless of our situation, do we really trust God to be all that He promises? In the midst of heartache and loss, can we trust Him?

I've been continuing to realize how much I need to trust the Lord in this pregnancy. It's easy to get caught up in the statistics and all the stories of what could go wrong. Instead, I need to trust. Not just trust that everything will be OK, because it may not be, but trust that the Lord is sovereign above all else.

I also realized if I really wanted to worry about what could go wrong I would be preoccupied for the rest of my life. Having a baby means that from this point on, anything could happen to my child, whether pre-birth or as an adult. The little boy found in the pool was a reminder that even if we make it to birth, there will always be something that can happen.

Again, do I trust Him?

Hope

I was just watching Oprah. The episode was about a family who was in a limo going home after their sister got married. They were hit by a drunk driver head-on who had been driving 70 m.p.h. the wrong way on a major highway for over 2 miles (and had had at least 14 drinks in his system). One of their little girls was killed instantly, her head completely severed. The mom actually sat on the side of the road as her parents, husband, and kids were peeled out of the limo, holding her daughter's head in her lap. I can't even imagine! The driver of the limo also died. This on the night of a wedding. The couple who got married (aunt of the little girl) said her marriage has been rocky from day one because it started with a death.

The second story was about a grandmother who accidentally backed up over her 3-year old grandson.

The third story was a mother who fell asleep at the wheel and drove into a lake, and her 3 youngest (out of 6) children were killed.

The thing that stuck with me through the show, especially during the first two stories, was the lack of hope the families had. The limo family said that their family has been completely destroyed, and that they wish they could all die, except that their are still 3 other children. It was so sad, because they just sat there basically saying their marriage, holidays, and other relationships are now non-existent, and always will be. They said that everyone around them seems shallow when they talk about their problems, and that they will never be able to relate to others, when they have dealt with this.

The grandmother that killed her grandson was so bitter and angry at herself for making a "mistake," and was basically punishing herself. She said she had looked up the definition of forgiveness (to pardon) and decided she could never pardon herself for what she did.

The redemption came in the third story. The first two had happened two years ago, where this story happened 16 years ago. She was on the show to give the other families some hope, and to encourage them to try to move on.

All of the situations were extremely sad, but I kept thinking about how these people seemed to not know Christ. There is hope in Christ even through tragedy. Our family (the Chapmans) experienced that last summer, and the difference in the grieving process is remarkable. Though we were all sad, we haven't soaked ourselves in bitterness. Not to say that it hasn't been heartbreaking and difficult, but, we have found hope in the future and in God's sovereignty.

Church is a Verb

Michael and I have had a hard time finding a church. It's hard knowing that we're probably only here for a year, and then we'll be leaving again. We did that last year, and by the end we felt like we had checked out, and so had the people at the church.

However, that's no excuse for us. This week I have been thinking a lot about how much I miss being surrounded by a community of supportive and prayerful Christians. I am (trying to) learn how to live the way Christ is calling me to in a secular world, while still maintaining my integrity and faith, and I'm finding that it's difficult at times.

I received a phone call from a friend this week and he reminded me that it's ok to just be me, that I don't have to try to be this super-Christian (I'm paraphrasing). That was helpful. Then last night Michael and I went to a Harvest Party hosted by some old friends from Fox. It was crazy because many of my worlds were colliding, there were friends from high school, college, and my old church all in one house. But again, it reminded me that I have been aching for a young married-Christian-type supportive community.

Yesterday we went to a wedding that also reminded me of the importance of having others within the Christian community supporting Michael and I and keeping our marriage accountable.

Today Michael and I went to the same church that we went to a few weeks ago. I felt a peace there today because the sermon was about some of the exact things Michael and I have been talking about lately when discussing the Church. The pastor spoke about the disconnect between Jesus' teaching and the way Christians live their lives. He shared a story about a young woman he met that complained that Christians are angry, judgmental, hypocritical, and politically motivated. The pastor realized that this girl wasn't saying that she didn't see Truth in God or the Bible, she just saw this huge disconnect between the preaching and the people and didn't want to be a part of that.

The pastor said a lot of Christians are extreme, they are either A) Turn or Burn or B) Stick their heads in the sand. This sort of resonated with the phone conversation I had that reminded me that it's ok to not be extreme either way. I have to remember that yes, people are watching me and I need to represent Christ as best as I can, but I know I won't do it perfectly or fairly. And that's part of the learning and growing process.

The sermon was the first of a three part series called, "Church" is a verb, and the point was there's a lot more to the Church (big C not little c) than showing up on Sunday for an hour.

1 Peter 2:12-13(MSG) "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the people so that your actions will refute their prejudices."

Unashamed?

Yesterday in one of my classes I was sharing with a partner the answers to questions on the overhead:

Who am I?
How do I describe myself?
Who do people who know me well think I am?
What is important for people to know about me?

My partner and I both said that we tend to be perceived as shy or quiet when we are in new settings. We come across very serious at times, but can "let our hair down" and have a lot of fun too. I have surprised myself how much I take on the observing role in new situations. I used to see myself as so much more out-going. I still see myself as out-going, but it tends to be more when I'm with people I'm at least somewhat comfortable with (not strangers.)

One of the other things I said that was important to me was my faith and relationship with Christ. I was surprised at how nervous I was to share this with another student. Not that I was embarassed, but it was not comfortable to just sit there and talk about it. Actually, as soon as I said that, it opened the door for a ten-minute theology and faith talk.

I am learning how to immerse myself more and more into the secular world, in this case the world of public education, without comprimising who I am and what I stand for. Not that my beliefs are changing, but i haven't had too many experiences where I've really had to verbalize my faith to a person who doesn't have the same Christian Vocab that I do. I think we'd all love to say that we would be unashamed and proclaim boldly to anyone who asks us about our faith, but I'm here to say that it's not as easy as it sounds. I definitely look up to and admire those who can speak so naturally in any setting about Christ.

I hope and pray that I am working towards that a little more every day.

Would Christ be Pacifist?

I've had a few people comment on the name of my blog. I know that I am here writing for myself and not necessarily for other people, but I wanted to clarify just a little.

I don't mean to say that by following Christ certain issues become less certain. If anything, it's just the opposite. Christ is pretty clear on a lot of issues. At the time, of course, the things he stood for went against the culture and society in many ways. The black and white that I am referring to are the things most Evangelical Christians are associated with that I don't think are always 100% correct. For example, Christians are known for bashing homosexuals. I wouldn't argue against the fact that God hates homosexuality. I just think if Christ were on earth he may go about a few things differently. I think Christ would be the one hanging out with homosexuals instead of blasting them, judging them, and distancing himself from them, like so many Christians do. This is the grey I'm referring to, the areas where I think we as Christians still have some work to do to figure out how to approach some of these topics.

In Philip Yancey's "What's So Amazing About Grace?," he opens the first chapter with a story about a prostitute who had rented out her two-year-old daughter for sex to support her own drug habit. Yancey asks the woman if she had ever thought of going to a church for help. And she replied:

Church! Why would I ever go there? I was already feeling terrible about myself. They'd just make me feel worse.

To me this story speaks volumes of how much work the Church has to be what we idealize it to be. In the Bible, prostitutes like this usually flocked to Jesus and today they are running from the Church, scared of being judged. That is not the type of Church I want to belong to. We need to change that.

A lot of Christians are very patriotic and thus also supportive of war, or just actions by the government. Our country was founded on Christian values supposedly and therefore many Christians support much of what our country does. (I say supposedly because I've studied the Founding Fathers enough to know that a lot of Christians quote the parts of history they want to. Not to say that many of the Founding Fathers didn't believe in God, but there's much more to being a Christian than just believing in God. A LOT of people believe in God, that doesn't mean they are Christians.)

I grew up surrounded by family members that are or have been part of the military in some form. I always have seen it as a noble choice to enter the military. As a history major I studied many different wars and appreciated the times soldiers were called upon to fight for their country. I know many brave people have died serving my country.

Attending a Quaker school began to open my eyes to the ideas of Pacifism. I remember one specific class where a couple students did a presentation on why they were pacifist. It was the first time I really understood, and I felt very drawn to their reasons. One piece that has stuck with me is that it made me wonder whether Christ would condone war, REGARDLESS of what the issue was over. I used to argue with pacifists that there are times in history when war was inevitable. The point that was hard for me to hear was that the only reason war is often seen as inevitable is because we see it that way. If we were to not even consider war, it would cease to be an option. The entire world throughout history has simply assumed war is the best way of solving issues. What if, in an ideal world, no fighting took place? We wouldn't jump to the conclusion that war was the answer all the time.

My point is, I don't believe Christ would support war, regardless of the reasons. This is true even if it means war would stop other people from killing. How much better are we if we go kill people who are doing the killing? Looking through history, I don't have any easy answer for alternates, but it doesn't mean that because there's no easy answer war is the best answer. I don't know if I classify myself as a "pacifist," but I wonder if Christ would be??

This may or may not clarify what I meant by "fade to grey," but that's ok, because it makes sense to me!

Today in staff devotions our director read the Bible passage about how God can do immeasurably more than we ever hope for. Then he asked us to share situations in our life that we think are too big for God to handle. This happens to touch on some things I've been working through lately.

Recently I was catching up with a good friend I had not seen in a while. I was sharing about my struggle with the tension between God's will and our free choice. I first grasped this concept during a theology class in college. My favorite passage growing up was Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord." I believed whole heartedly in God's will for my life and had no question that God was "in control" of my life. So when I first understood what free will meant, I had a hard time really coming to terms with how God's will relates to my own free choice. I still go in circles at times. I get the basics but my struggle relates to trusting God to be bigger than our own mistakes. I know that God is able to heal any brokenness, regardless of the size, shape, or form. But what about when we are so stubborn that we refuse to listen? And how do you pray for someone when you know that their stubbornness and decisions to shut out God may never change? Again, I know God can change hearts, but he can't and won't force it. He WANTS us to choose him freely. So I just go around and around in circles with these questions, which are nowhere near black and white.

I know and trust that God CAN do more than I can even imagine. So, I guess at this point that's where I must put my hope because from my human point of view some things feel impossible, unrealistic, or just hopeless.

Fade to Grey

You may recognize "Fade to Grey." Yes, it's the title of a Jars of Clay song. I have been wanting to start a blog for a little while but wanted something catchy, but more importantly, something that would guide my thoughts as I blog. (Also, I tried not to make it cheesy, since a certain husband of mine warned me about cheesy-ness.) Today I was listening to this CD and the words described my spiritual life as of late, most significantly the last line of the song:

It's not hard to know what you're thinking
When you look down on me now
Your trance of love is seeking
To turn this world around
But in my state of blind confusion
No God can pull me out
I see your love is willing
To turn me inside out

And then I see you there
The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me

It's in despair that I find faith
Summon the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Save me from myself

Chorus:
And then I see You there
With Your arms open wide and You try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me 
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey 

I used to think spirituality, the Bible, God, and any other topic I learned in Sunday School were very black and white with no room for grey. I was raised mostly non-denominational and always thought I had it all figured out. Ever since I left for college I have been challenged repeatedly that there really is a lot of grey. I've come to the conclustion that the grey is ok, and healthy to explore. I want to use this blog to further that exploration. There are a lot of random thoughts and pieces of spiritual truths that I wrestle with constantly, and I am ready to do it here.