The Kitty

Last night Michael and I were walking home from our friend's home around the corner. As we rounded the corner onto our street we heard a tiny kitten's meow. We looked and saw a little gray kitten huddled near the wheel of a car. It saw us and immediately came towards us, meowing as it walked. We could tell it was sick-the meow was weak and scratchy. It was obviously lost and not doing too well.

We both stood there and watched it, wishing there was something we could do. I've always had a soft spot for kittens and puppies-I love the little babies.

I thought about my experience with most cats, and realized they usually don't run right up to humans like this one. It started to get close and we realized we probably should keep our distance since it could be aggressive or have a disease (though it probably just wanted human contact/food/loving).

We started to walk away, and it continued to follow us, rather closely. We walked more quickly, and so did it. Finally, we crossed the street. It started to follow us, and then stopped in the middle of the right lane. It seemed as if it sort of just gave up.

I didn't want it just sitting there. It was 10:30 at night and not too many cars were out, but still. We were going to keep walking, hoping it would turn around, when we saw headlights.

Michael turned back towards the kitten, trying to wave to the car to slow down. (Or, probably trying to get the kitten to move). I stood on the side of the road, just watching the cat, hoping that in the last moment it would move. It didn't.

Michael had told me to turn my head and not watch, but I couldn't help it. The headlights didn't slow down and suddenly we heard the loud, sickening thud. I screamed and started balling, almost hysterically.

The car pulled over. The guy felt so bad, especially because I was crying so hard. (He thought it was ours). I had watched the kitten, after the car passed. It had been drug a few feet. It tried to stand up, but was obviously injured and limping. It fell and tried to walk a few more times. Eventually it made it off the road and disappeared into the bushes.

We felt so helpless. We walked home, and I continued to cry hard. I'm pretty sure I was crying as hard as I cried on Friday night on the way to the ER. I just couldn't stop crying. My stomach hurt and I was close to hyperventilating.

We got home and I continued to cry. Michael hugged me and eventually I calmed down. He finally asked me, "this isn't just about the cat, is it?"

And it wasn't.

Thanks

Michael and I are learning to take one day at a time. Sunday I felt like I was doing well, emotionally and physically, and then Monday turned out to be a much tougher day. I found myself crying throughout the day, and feeling a bit more soreness and pain.

Michael has been so absolutely wonderful: cleaning, running errands, taking care of me, crying with me, talking/processing with me, and somehow fitting in (a little) time for homework. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful, loving, caring man.

I am so grateful for the flowers, notes, emails, and even chocolate covered strawberries in the mail! We feel so supported and uplifted in prayer, especially for being in such a new place so far from "home."

A new friend here in PA sent me this verse over the weekend:

"...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3

This is my prayer, that this whole time will be a testimony to God's love and grace in our lives.

Today I was listening to a song, and I realized that the words are also my prayer, that my life is not my own, that even this little one now in heaven was not really mine, but a gift from God, and that it's ok if I don't have the strength to be strong, as long as I'm willing and asking for help.

Our biggest prayer request is that we can continue to release the expectations we had been holding on to: dreaming, planning, and expecting our life to change in April 2008. Also, as we realize our timing is not God's, we also are realizing that due to our schedule to be overseas in a year we may have to wait much longer than we'd like to try again, and that will be yet another lesson in patience.

Here's the song I heard today:

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength to give it to you, Jesus

Chapman Baby in Heaven

There's no easy way to write this. I could wait, but I don't see any reason to.

Friday night after I got off work I continued to have worsening symptoms, so around 10:30 Michael and I went straight to the ER. We were both crying a lot, because we knew something was seriously wrong, and we had an idea what it could mean.

They admitted me to the ER, took my blood, and eventually did two different kinds of ultrasounds. They couldn't find a heartbeat. We were officially miscarrying.

Obviously we were/are heartbroken. We sat there and cried for a while. Eventually they took me back to my other room and did some more examinations and tests. The OB-GYN on call strongly suggested that we have a procedure done to clean everything out, to avoid any risk of infection. They gave us the option of staying in the hospital over night and fitting me in on Saturday, or waiting and coming back in on Monday morning. We decided to stay overnight and just get it all taken care of.

Around 4 AM they were able to find us a room on a different floor. Michael slept on the floor. We rested, or tried to, as doctors and nurses (and even a chaplain in training) came in and out of our room all morning.

They finally came to get me around noon. Most of the morning I had been doing pretty well, just realizing that this is all in God's hands, and feeling a peace about it. I actually had three dreams on Thursday night where I had a miscarriage in each one. I think I had been slowly preparing myself for this possibility this week. As I lay in the Pre-op room, it really hit me that what they were about to do was going to make this really final. Michael and I sat there crying until the doctor finally came and took me into the operating room. The last thing I remember was laying on the table, crying and shivering, as the anesthesia kicked in. I woke up crying, and didn't stop for quite a while.

Thankfully, I am recovering quickly. I have almost no pain, just a little bit of soreness. I was released by 5:00 yesterday. We have been so blessed by Michael's classmates and their spouses who have been making us dinner and praying for us constantly.

We are at home resting. Pray that we will continue to grieve and heal and process all of this. Also, Michael has come down with a cold and is having a really hard time concentrating to get any school work done. He has already been feeling behind after being gone last weekend for a wedding, and now all of this.

We plan on just taking this week to rest. My work told me to just let them know when I'm ready to come back.

We trust that the Lord is going to work through all this. We trust His timing.

Scare

This morning I woke up and was having some weird symptoms for the pregnancy. It's one of those times where everything could be totally fine, or it could be the beginning of something really bad. So, I got a little worried.

After waking Michael up and talking about it, I got back in bed. I laid there crying for a little while, and praying. I have thought lately about how many people have miscarriages that don't deserve it (not that anyone ever does), but there are always stories of couples who are so loving and caring and would be amazing parents, and for some reason can't get pregnant, or keep having miscarriages.

And as I lay there praying, I found myself pleading with the Lord. Because really, who am I to think that I should be so special as to have everything just turn out wonderful? A lot of God-fearing people have big heartaches everyday. So I found it difficult to know what to say to God. I mostly just asked him to protect my baby, but His will be done.

I called my doctor's office and the nurse staff suggested I get my blood drawn today and again on Monday. Thankfully our health insurance check cleared today, so we are officially covered and good to go.

I HATE getting my blood taken. Michael left work early and came with me. Now we just have to wait until next week to make sure everything is ok. Meanwhile, I just have to monitor myself and rest. Oh yeah, and work for the next five nights in a row.

Appointment

I scheduled my first OBGYN appointment today...Monday, October 8th!

I'm excited to have the appointment, but bummed that I have to wait almost 3 weeks.
By the time I have my appointment I will be officially through 12 weeks.

I guess I have no choice but to continue to have patience, but it's really hard. With so many thoughts in my head, and pregnancy stories of both good and bad, I'm just ready to get in to the doctor and relieve all those anxieties. It all comes back to trusting the Lord because my hands are completely tied right now.

Update

Still working on my teaching license. I sent in paperwork to my Graduate School in Salem and as soon as they receive that and send it back to PA I should be good to go.

I'm definitely ready to start substituting during the day. I've been working the lunch shift at the restaurant and it often feels like a waste of time. I'm still earning money, but for the amount of time I'm there, and how much I make, I'd rather spend the day in a classroom. Not to mention I want to get back to interacting with high school students in that setting. I work with a few at the restaurant, and could even teach at their high school, but it's not the same at all.

We sent in our first payment for health insurance. I'm planning on calling today to see if they received it. As soon as they do, I can (finally) book our first doctor appointment. I'm still anxious about it. I like to read this pregnancy website, and there's a section for women all due in the same month. As I read the April messages, I have realized how many women have already had two appointments by this time. I am in my tenth week right now, and if I can get an appointment as early as next week I'll be in the eleventh week already.

Most of my symptoms are gone, I still feel tired easily (is it pregnancy or that I'm working a lot?), and occasionally feel a little nausea, but other than that, I don't even feel pregnant! I know I should be counting my blessings, a lot of women suffer with morning sickness for many weeks or months. I think once I actually get to the doctor and verify that I'm really pregnant I will feel more reassured.

The blog world is quite the community.

After posting my last blog, I spent some time reading some other blogs, and I found myself connected to a blog of this amazing woman.

I decided to start reading from her first posting in July 2006 and read forward. She was diagnosed with Leukemia in July 2006 and has posted updates throughout the last year.

I found myself crying at different points throughout the blog. She was not much older than me, having just turned 26, and having just had a baby less than two year ago. I have been thinking a lot about all the possible roads life can take us. Preparing for a baby has caused me to think about this a lot. There is no guarantee that anything will turn out how we would like it to. I could have a completely healthy baby, or I could have one with any kind of sickness or disease, or I could end up not having one at all. This can be so scary, and so awe-inspiring at the same time. (Awe-inspiring because I know God is sovereign in everything we go through).

And then there are all the things that could happen to me or my husband, or any other family member.

I am reminded to get on my knees in prayer and thank God that my family is healthy and safe...a blessing I often take for granted.

By the end of this blog-the last posting was two days ago-I was sobbing uncontrollably. What a legacy this woman has left for her child, her husband, and the hundreds of people who have read her blog.

Wa-Wa

When I think of a convenience store, I think of a grungy 7/11 where I would only go to buy packaged items or maybe a slushy. Never would I buy a hot dog or coffee, or any other "prepared" item.

Here in the metro-Philly area there is a phenomenon that happens to be a convenience store, and it's known as Wa-Wa.

When we first got here we would drive by all these Wa-Was and wonder what they were. The sign has a goose of some sort on it, and the parking lots are always full, especially during lunchtime.

About a week after we moved here I read an article in a local paper about this chain. It said that for out-of-towners, Wa-Wa probably seems a strange name and a strange place. But to locals, it is the place to be! I also learned that Wa-Wa is the local Native American word for Canadian Goose, hence the goose on all the signs.

This is not your ordinary convenience store. They make sandwiches and wraps (Subway-style, to order) of all sorts. They have "award-winning" coffee with a variety of flavors (everyone I work with at Bertucci's loves the coffee at Wa-Wa). They have all kinds of Wa-Wa brand food and drinks. Some Wa-Was are also gas stations.

Our first food experience with Wa-Wa occurred last week. We had heard that Wa-Wa has excellent milkshakes, and as I was craving some kind of cold dairy dessert, we thought we'd give it a try.

We walked over to the milkshake station. We assumed it would be much like getting a slushy: pick the cup size, place it under the spout, and push the button to dispense the milkshake into the cup.

We couldn't find cups, so we grabbed a Wa-Wa employee who was stocking shelves nearby. He showed us the proper way to get a Wa-Wa milkshake:

1st- Pick a flavor from the assortment of already filled cups in the mini freezer below the counter. I chose strawberry and Michael chose a coffee-ish flavor.

2nd- Take the lid off the cup. The cup is about 2/3 full and frozen solid.

3rd- Place cup in the milkshake holder/dispenser.

4th- Choose desired thickness (Choices are Extra Thick, Regular Thickness, and Less Thickness) and push button.

5th- Watch as the machine sucks up the cup inside, dispensing milk while simultaneously stirring the shake to the appropriate thickness. (You can't see this part, but that's what the Wa-Wa worker told us was happening).

6th- Pull out shake and enjoy!

I thought my shake was INCREDIBLE!! Michael wasn't as happy with the coffee flavored one, but thought mine was fantastic. We're slowly becoming "locals," though because of the the Oregonians in us we still don't carry umbrellas when it rains.

We Moved...Again!

Yes, we moved again. When people ask us why we moved, I feel a little dumb saying it, but it was mostly because of an odor.

The apartment complex we lived in had an extremely high concentration of Indians living there. And many/most of them cook with curry-a lot. We were on the third floor, and walking through the hallways and stairwells every day got tougher and tougher.

Every time I came home I would have to pull out the keys, brace myself for the stairs, and draw in a huge breath. I tried running up the stairs holding my breath, but running meant I needed to draw in breath more quickly, and the wave of curry and other odd smells would hit me like a brick. It got really bad when the smells started to seep into our bathroom and bedroom vents.

I have not had typical morning sickness (so far!) during my pregnancy. I would feel nauseous often, but the only two or three times I got sick enough to sprint for the bathroom was after coming home and getting through the hallway to get to our apartment.

I've noticed since we've moved already I rarely feel nauseous now. It's glorious!

Michael was going to bring a few people home from his cohort who had trucks to help us move. When I opened the door, 10 of the eleven walked through our door! I was so amazed! They had about a two and half hour break between classes, and they all came to help. We had our entire apartment empty and loaded within an hour, and had it all unloaded into the new place within another 45 minutes.

They were all such troopers, especially because of how humid it was, everyone needed showers before they headed back to class.

I was very blessed by this group's willingness to help us out. It's been a fun group to get to know, and I can tell many of these people will be lifelong friends.

Michael and I are very happy to be in our new place. Instead of being in a complex with hundreds of people, we deal with the landlord directly, who rents out the rest of the building to an insurance company and a nail salon. We also have our own laundry now, instead of having to walk to the opposite end of the building to pay for laundry. We have tons of extra space, and were able to upgrade the number of bedrooms, all for about the same price as our last place.

Just another way God has provided for us here in Pennsylvania.

Ode to the Northwest Pastry

As we have been getting to know our new friends from Michael's program, and talking about similar likes and dislikes, we found out some terrible news this week.

Maple bars are no where to be found! We had NO IDEA that maple bars are only found in the Pacific Northwest. We spent ten minutes trying to explain to our new friends what a maple bar looks like, and better yet, tastes like, and they stared at us with blank expressions on their faces.

The best part is that this particular friend we've met, who is from New York, has an older brother who lives in our own hometown of Newberg, Oregon. (It really is a small world!) So, we called up his brother and wife on the phone to ask them if they knew what a maple bar was. We had convinced our friends that in Oregon, anyone and everyone knows what a maple bar is. And of course, they knew exactly what we were talking about.

The brother decided to do some detective work and found this website.

This is where I learned that there really are no maple bars near us. I had no idea that maple bars are "ubiquitous in Oregon and Washington, to be found at gas stations, grocery store bakeries, convenience stores, etc."

So, if anyone comes to visit us, we may have to request an order of maple bars to share with our East Coast friends.

Thankfulness

I probably shouldn't be, but I am amazed at the way the Lord continues to bless us and provide for us.

For the last few weeks I have been pretty stressed about money, finding a job, and very important on my list, figuring out health insurance. I have been, and still am, very anxious to have my first doctor's appointment. I just want to make sure everything is OK with the pregnancy.

As we have been realizing how our checkbook has depleted, with no way to refill it, I found myself looking through Craigslist to find a job. As I already mentioned, I got a call and was hired rather quickly. Meanwhile, I am still working on substitute applications.

The night after I was hired I was looking online and found out that this restaurant offers full benefits for all employees, and right away! A lot of companies offer benefits to their employees, but often the employees have to wait a few months, or must be working a set number of hours to be eligible. But here, I am required to enroll within 30 days and there is no minimum number of hours I must work!

I truly feel like the Lord led me to apply to this job, even though I had no idea about these benefits. Now, our pregnancy will be covered-because it's through a group policy my pregnancy is not a pre-existing condition!! I am so, so thankful for this. The burden of trying to find insurance was suddenly just taken care of.

I plan to work as a server for as long as I can, and hopefully, when I can't do that anymore, I can work as a hostess until the baby comes.

The Lord has truly provided for us. What a huge answer to prayer!!

Betruccis Brick Oven Pizza

I got a job!


No, not a teaching job. I'm still waiting on that. But we had already decided that I would try to work an extra job in the evenings and on the weekend while I can.

So, I found an ad on craigslist for a serving job at a local restaurant. I emailed them and received a call first thing this morning. I went in and was hired within five minutes! So, I start orientation and training tomorrow. It's great because it is super close to us. I think it's the closest restaurant we live to, less than two blocks away.

Now, if only my teaching license would arrive...

Worries

It's been a stressful few days for me. I've been continuing to apply to more teaching jobs as they open up, but there aren't many. It still looks like substituting will be the best bet. The only problem is that I still don't have my PA teaching license. I applied for it over two months ago and it is still being reviewed.

The other issue lately is health insurance. We've started to look in to what is available for us, because it's pretty likely I won't be getting any with a job now. And, it turns out, that pregnancy is considered a pre-existing condition when you are trying to get individual health insurance. This means we've only found two carriers who will even talk to us about insurance. We've also looked into benefits we could receive, since Michael is in school full-time and I'm still unemployed.

If you think of it, pray these details can be worked out. I'm anxious to have my first doctor's visit, and anxious to find a job. I still trust the Lord that these things will all work out, but timing is everything.

Park Here

The first weekend we were here in PA we went to Maryland for the weekend to visit my Aunt and her husband. We were less than 5 minutes from the destination, and I had to use the restroom...badly...so we had to stop.

We finally found a grocery store to pull into. And this was the sign we parked under. Apparently they are common all over Maryland, but it was a new one for me!

Trust

Michael is at his first day of school. It's definitely been a long time coming and we were both very excited for today to arrive. Normally, the night before school starts is always a restless one for me, and this one was no exception. This is funny, since I'm not even the one going to school.

We went to our first church here in PA yesterday. It was OK, but I think we will keep looking.

Even so, the message still spoke to me. The pastor started off the sermon by telling a story about "Tim and Terri," a couple who had lost a baby at birth, twice. The story hit close to home, both because we're pregnant and because of how similar the story was to another family member.

The bulletin asked for prayer for a little 2 year old boy who had been found drowned in a pool and in a coma. During the sermon the pastor shared that this little boy passed away on Friday.

The bulk of the sermon was on Zechariah, the second-to-last book of the Old Testament. The main point was that in this book this prophet is announcing that God will fulfill all his promises to Jerusalem, and to not give up. Regardless of our situation, do we really trust God to be all that He promises? In the midst of heartache and loss, can we trust Him?

I've been continuing to realize how much I need to trust the Lord in this pregnancy. It's easy to get caught up in the statistics and all the stories of what could go wrong. Instead, I need to trust. Not just trust that everything will be OK, because it may not be, but trust that the Lord is sovereign above all else.

I also realized if I really wanted to worry about what could go wrong I would be preoccupied for the rest of my life. Having a baby means that from this point on, anything could happen to my child, whether pre-birth or as an adult. The little boy found in the pool was a reminder that even if we make it to birth, there will always be something that can happen.

Again, do I trust Him?

Some Big Little News

We're all settled into our apartment. We got all the furniture we need and feel very organized. We have a place for everything...I think this is the first time in my life I can really say that and know it's true. I think part of the reason for that is that we got rid of anything and everything that we don't use or knew we wouldn't need before we moved here. So, we are organized and ready for the year to start. It feels like it's our home now, not just an apartment we live in.

Michael starts school on Monday. Yesterday we went over to the main campus and walked around. It's very pretty. It looks like someone's estate from many years ago that was turned into a college campus. We also had fun walking around the downtown area of our town. There are a lot of shops and restaurants, and a movie theater.

I still don't have a job. I'm not terribly worried. I am applying to substitute in the area, and that should give me steady work for the year, from what I hear.

Last but not least, Michael and I were waiting a little while before we posted anything, but the time has come. I'm not really sure who has or hasn't heard, but Michael and I found out that we are expecting a baby in April!

We found out the day we arrived in Philadelphia. We are super excited. The truth is that we had decided a few months ago that we would start trying. We decided we'd love to have a baby before we left to go overseas, and that would mean we had a small 4 or 5 month window to try to get pregnant. The average 25 year old couple takes 6 months, so we just gave it to God and decided if we didn't get pregnant it wasn't the right timing.

We didn't tell anyone that we were trying, partly because if we didn't get pregnant no one would be disappointed but us. Also, we liked the element of surprise. Having been married 2 1/2 years people are always asking us when we are planning on having kids. We've had to slough it off lately and say, "oh, it will be a long time for us still, probably a couple years, until we figure out what we're doing in life." The funny part is that our own family barely believed us when we called them, because they all honestly believed it would be a long time.

So, to anyone we told that to, I must apologize for that little, white lie! :)

I wanted to post this because there are thoughts and emotions that go along with this that I find myself thinking a lot, and may end up blogging about from time to time.

Mostly, I have to admit, I have fear. There are so many things that can go wrong that I am learning I must trust the Lord in this daily. The first few days after we found out, I was having some sharp pains, and I got really worried. Praise the Lord for the internet, because within a few minutes I was able to look up my symptoms and find out that what I was experiencing was 100% normal. I started crying in relief, because all the worst possibilities had shot through my mind.

We are very excited about this big step. It is hard that we will be doing this far away from our family, but we took that into account a few months ago. We're just learning that we must turn to Christ daily for direction.

more pictures

We posted a ton of pictures on our other blog, including pictures of our apartment.

We're "Home"

Well, we're here. We will probably post more pictures later today of other parts of our trip. The trip itself went very smoothly. We were very fortunate not to have any car trouble or flat tires.

The first day of the trip I told Michael I had a lump in my throat, somewhere down deep. I felt as if I needed to cry but couldn't. I think the reality of leaving family and friends behind had hit, but it was deep inside. We are so excited about this step in our lives, but also a bit sad.

I thought through various people we have been interacting a lot with over the past year, and realized how much we will miss those interactions.

On the last night of our trip we stayed with relatives of Michael's in Dayton, Ohio. They had lived in Newberg and moved to the midwest 22 years ago. Originally they thought they'd only be gone for 5 years or so, and here they are 22 years later having moved even further east. It got me thinking about Michael and I, and how we have no idea how long we'll be "gone," or if we've moved to our new home indefinitely (being not the northwest).

For a few days before we left I was joking with some of my friends, telling them that they may never see me again. They didn't really like me joking about that, and I realized in a way it was my coping mechanism because I really wasn't sure how long we'd live far away. Sure, we'll come back to visit, but that's a whole different ballgame.

Either way, we're here now, and we'll take it one step at a time. We both have a huge sense of trust in the Lord that He will provide for us as we need, in His timing, and meanwhile, we must continue to be patient.

Link to our trip

Michael and I have been posting our trip pictures and updates on our mutual blog. Check it out by going here.

"All our bags are packed and we're ready to go..."

We're not leaving on a jet plane, but we are leaving in our Subaru.

As we packed today we decided we just had a couple boxes too many, so we rented a small U-Haul trailer that ended up fitting everything we wanted to pack, including our Christmas stuff, which we had decided wouldn't fit. I am very excited about that, especially because we may or may not be leaving PA for Christmas, and if you know me at all you know how much I LOVE decorating for Christmas almost as much as I LOVE Christmas.

We were packed and ready to go by dinner time. We had run most of our errands, the car was ready to go, and the house is very empty, besides a couple camping chairs and card tables (which are also packed and returned to their rightful owners).

As we are preparing to leave physically, we are also preparing mentally and emotionally. We are excited, nervous, sad, curious, and ready.

In case anyone is wondering, we did get our other car sold today, Praise the Lord!!
And, our housing is basically confirmed except one fax we are waiting for from Easter to send to the apartment complex. Of course, anything can happen, but we feel ready.

We figured out our basic route today, subject to change of course, and at this point plan on arriving to our apartment complex next Monday afternoon. I'm especially excited about spending a little time in Yellowstone and Jackson Hole, as well as seeing Mt. Rushmore.

We'll do our best to post pictures or blogs along the way. Keep us in your prayers!