Processing

It's been three weeks since the miscarriage. I've been keeping myself very busy, and have been surprised how emotionally drained I feel when I finally stop and breathe. The devotional book I'm reading has talked about how this can be a coping mechanism, I just didn't think I was busy for the sake of being busy. I'm noticing though, that it seems to help keep my mind not focused on the grief.

Today I met with my doctor who performed the surgery at the hospital. I'm back to "normal," and everything is fine (at least physically).

Lately what's been hard is realizing how far along "I would be." One set of close friends is about a month further along then I would have been, and another couple is about a week further along. As I get updates, and realize they are beginning to "show" or even feel the baby kick, I am reminded of what I am missing out on. And I also realize that I will be making these comparisons in my head throughout the rest of their pregnancies, if not even longer than that.

I also just found out that my brother and his wife are expecting in June. I am very excited for them, especially because of the grace God has shown in completely restoring a broken relationship between us, not to mention seeing them go through the process of dedicating their lives to the Lord. It's been a direct, tangible answer to a lot of prayer. This is their second child, and I am so excited to get to be a part of their lives for this pregnancy. I know they were somewhat hesitant to share their news with us, because of our recent loss, but I am so excited for them. I did find myself calculating that this would have meant our child would have had two cousins within six months.

It's hard knowing that my grief process is so different from those around me. Months from now when I may be still feeling the loss acutely, others may barely remember. But that's ok. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I almost always reply, "Just taking it one day at a time." Because that's all I can do.