Monday, April 21, 2008
Our Due Date
Today is April 21st. Today is the day Michael and I were due to have our first baby, so naturally I've been reflecting on all sorts of things recently.
It's been 7 full months since the miscarriage, and we're doing well. Honestly. I feel healed in so many ways (though I know it will never leave me completely). It's definitely been a process of going through stages. At first we were in shock-heartbroken, confused, and solemn, yet trusting. I think that one truth through this whole process is that Michael and I have been trusting-we have trusted God from the first moment. We can't explain why this happened to us, though we had conversations of a theological nature in which we attempted to search for clues (not necessarily answers). We can't explain the peace we've had that comes from trusting, except to say it's from the Lord. It's not logical by the world's standards, but it doesn't have to be. Actually, I remember thinking repeatedly over the first few days and weeks that I couldn't imagine going through something like this without having the faith to trust that God is sovereign, and though we can't understand it all, we can trust that He does.
I've experienced anxiety in many forms over the last several months. Anxiety about the future (isn't that where most anxiety lies?). At times I find myself afraid of going through the process again. Our family seems immune to a perfectly healthy pregnancy and that is scary to me. Many friends and family came out of the woodworks to share with us their own stories of loss and grief, and frustration in trying to conceive. In many ways this was comforting, to know that we are not alone in this pain. In other ways, though, I find that it also makes me realize all that can go wrong in the future. But again, this brings us back to the Truth that we must trust in the Lord.
We've learned over the last several months:
-To trust in the Lord's timing
-The importance in communication through grief
-That it's ok to share our pain with others because it may touch the heart of someone else
-God loves us and really does want His best for us
-God has definitely put in our hearts the desire to be parents
-Patience (Still learning this one)
-As much as we want to know everything, sometimes there aren't acceptable answers to life's tough questions
-Difficult situations do refine us as people, as a couple, and as Christ-followers
-God hugs us through the love and support of friends and family
-We are blessed with wonderful friends and family
-Our spouse is our best friend and our most important earthly relationship
-Tears are a gift, a natural release on so many levels
-We can't control everything
-It's important not to take blessings in our life for granted. We are given so many gifts, and so often we forget to be grateful.
-Pain and grief do ease with time (and with the Lord's help), no matter how much pain we have endured
I still find myself tearing up at unlikely or unexpected moments. Oftentimes it involves seeing and/or holding a baby. I've always been sensitive and prone to crying often, but I see that as a blessing. It's an outlet for me, though sometimes I wish I wouldn't cry so easily when it makes others feel awkward or uncomfortable.
I have noticed a change in my reaction. It used to be that shortly after our loss, when I'd see a baby or small child, I'd look at the mom and think about what I would be missing out on. It would be a reminder of what I had lost, and what I wouldn't have any time soon. Now however, when I see little ones, I am once again excited about the future. I find myself looking forward again to having that experience myself and often try to imagine what that experience will be like, rather than focusing on where we would be had we not experienced a miscarriage.
All this to say, we're surviving. It's been a tough road, but we have learned a lot about ourselves, about Christ, and about life. We've grown closer together as a couple and are excited about what's around the corner. We're thankful for our amazingly supportive friends and family.
Without a doubt, this experience has increased our excitement and anticipation for the sweet day when we will hold in our arms our own little baby Chapman.