Today's outrageous NPR comment:
A woman called in to the show and said she really likes Barack Obama. In fact, he's her number one choice. But she's not sure if she's going to vote for him because she's afraid that if he is elected he will be assassinated. Apparently, there is momentum behind this idea; there are people who want Obama to be President but are afraid they would be to blame for his assassination if they vote him into the White House.
Wow.
This is almost as crazy as the woman who came into the restaurant I serve in last Fall and told me that if Clinton is elected President, Obama will be VP (which I don't think would happen), and then he will plot her assassination so he can become President and force all Americans to become Muslim.
Double Wow.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Only because you asked...
My sister-in-law, Amy, tagged me, and since I never usually respond to these I thought I would for once. I came up with this list today while I was substituting.
6 Non-Important things/habits/quirks about myself:
1. I love history, especially American history, and love teaching it in a way students want to learn it, and can realize how much it really does affect them. (Most people think of history as boring, date memorization and/or irrelevant to today.) The corollary to this is that I'm a nerd.
2. One of the things I'd like to do before I die is write a best-selling novel. I've had this idea for as long as I can remember. Maybe a semi-autobiographical novel-type. Or a historical novel. I go back and forth between the two.
3. I aspire to be a morning person. Morning People seem so...motivated. Unfortunately, I am a night owl who enjoys sleeping in. On the plus side, I married a night owl who enjoys sleeping in with me.
4. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies, and movies, books, and TV shows that make me cry. I weep like a baby when I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "The Notebook" and "Armageddon," to name a few. A lot of books make me ball my eyes out as well.
5. I believe a good cry is good for the soul. Every once in a while I have to have a good cry. I never really know when it's coming, and then it just sweeps in like a tornado with no warning. (This Good Cry is not to be confused with The PMS Cry, which is totally different and comes like clockwork.) Luckily, Michael has known this about me for a long time, and knows exactly what to do when the tears come: just hug me and let me cry it out. He usually says something like, "you haven't had a good cry in a while, have you?" as I try to explain why I'm crying, though I'm unsure myself.
6. Certain issues get me fired up (see previous post), including, but not limited to the following: the inadequacies of our government to meet the needs of many people, especially in areas of education, poverty, and lack of medical care. And lately, I've been really bothered by the pretense that our country is diverse and "equal," when there is no doubt of the inequalities in our country, specifically in the area of racial segregation. We are doing a disservice to our young people to teach them that our country offers equal opportunities for minorities and the poor, that desegregation is a thing of the past, when it is a pure fact that segregation is not a thing of the past. The percentage of segregated schools in our nation rivals (is within a few percentage points of) the number at the time of Brown v. Board of Education in the mid-1950s and the height of the civil rights movement. We are not making much progress, and we should not let students grow up thinking we are. There is no such thing as equal access to education in this country. Not when I live two blocks from a brand new, multi-million dollar middle school building, and schools within an hour from here have outdated textbooks, underpaid and inexperienced teachers, buildings with little or no heat or air conditioning, and the list could go on and on. Not to mention that many of these poorer schools are 100% non-white, and many of the best schools are almost 100% white.
Ok, I went on a little tangent on the last one, but there you have it.
So now I have to tag 3 others:
Michael
Luke
Bev
6 Non-Important things/habits/quirks about myself:
1. I love history, especially American history, and love teaching it in a way students want to learn it, and can realize how much it really does affect them. (Most people think of history as boring, date memorization and/or irrelevant to today.) The corollary to this is that I'm a nerd.
2. One of the things I'd like to do before I die is write a best-selling novel. I've had this idea for as long as I can remember. Maybe a semi-autobiographical novel-type. Or a historical novel. I go back and forth between the two.
3. I aspire to be a morning person. Morning People seem so...motivated. Unfortunately, I am a night owl who enjoys sleeping in. On the plus side, I married a night owl who enjoys sleeping in with me.
4. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies, and movies, books, and TV shows that make me cry. I weep like a baby when I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "The Notebook" and "Armageddon," to name a few. A lot of books make me ball my eyes out as well.
5. I believe a good cry is good for the soul. Every once in a while I have to have a good cry. I never really know when it's coming, and then it just sweeps in like a tornado with no warning. (This Good Cry is not to be confused with The PMS Cry, which is totally different and comes like clockwork.) Luckily, Michael has known this about me for a long time, and knows exactly what to do when the tears come: just hug me and let me cry it out. He usually says something like, "you haven't had a good cry in a while, have you?" as I try to explain why I'm crying, though I'm unsure myself.
6. Certain issues get me fired up (see previous post), including, but not limited to the following: the inadequacies of our government to meet the needs of many people, especially in areas of education, poverty, and lack of medical care. And lately, I've been really bothered by the pretense that our country is diverse and "equal," when there is no doubt of the inequalities in our country, specifically in the area of racial segregation. We are doing a disservice to our young people to teach them that our country offers equal opportunities for minorities and the poor, that desegregation is a thing of the past, when it is a pure fact that segregation is not a thing of the past. The percentage of segregated schools in our nation rivals (is within a few percentage points of) the number at the time of Brown v. Board of Education in the mid-1950s and the height of the civil rights movement. We are not making much progress, and we should not let students grow up thinking we are. There is no such thing as equal access to education in this country. Not when I live two blocks from a brand new, multi-million dollar middle school building, and schools within an hour from here have outdated textbooks, underpaid and inexperienced teachers, buildings with little or no heat or air conditioning, and the list could go on and on. Not to mention that many of these poorer schools are 100% non-white, and many of the best schools are almost 100% white.
Ok, I went on a little tangent on the last one, but there you have it.
So now I have to tag 3 others:
Michael
Luke
Bev
What decade, or century, or millenium is this anyway?
As I was driving home from work a few minutes ago, I was listening to NPR, as I always do. The topic of conversation was the Presidential election, and callers were giving their opinions about the candidates.
I am shaking with anger. I know that this country is full of ignorant people, but I like to have more hope in people.
A listener from Georgia (or somewhere else in the South, maybe Florida?) called in and said he is a Democrat who is voting for Hilary Clinton. He went on to say that if Clinton doesn't become the Democratic candidate he will vote for McCain for a few reasons, saying Obama seems to be all talk and no substance. Fine. His second reason (and according to him the opinion of all his friends) is race. He said that despite what anyone can say, race will be a determining factor for the next President-elect. The NPR host clarified by saying to the caller, "So, you are saying that our country is not ready for an African-American President?" And the caller, being directly questioned, admitted, "yes."
My hands literally started shaking. I was so upset, that people really think that a man like Barack Obama can't become President simply because of his the color of his skin, and that this man from somewhere down South was willing to admit on national radio that he won't vote for a man because of his race.
(I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. See #6 on my next post.)
Yet another reason I want to teach social studies. Too many people in our country are so ignorant it is almost inconceivable.
I am shaking with anger. I know that this country is full of ignorant people, but I like to have more hope in people.
A listener from Georgia (or somewhere else in the South, maybe Florida?) called in and said he is a Democrat who is voting for Hilary Clinton. He went on to say that if Clinton doesn't become the Democratic candidate he will vote for McCain for a few reasons, saying Obama seems to be all talk and no substance. Fine. His second reason (and according to him the opinion of all his friends) is race. He said that despite what anyone can say, race will be a determining factor for the next President-elect. The NPR host clarified by saying to the caller, "So, you are saying that our country is not ready for an African-American President?" And the caller, being directly questioned, admitted, "yes."
My hands literally started shaking. I was so upset, that people really think that a man like Barack Obama can't become President simply because of his the color of his skin, and that this man from somewhere down South was willing to admit on national radio that he won't vote for a man because of his race.
(I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. See #6 on my next post.)
Yet another reason I want to teach social studies. Too many people in our country are so ignorant it is almost inconceivable.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Other Blog
Michael and I have been slowly keeping two lists of observations from living here in Pennsylvania:
-Perceptions of Oregon
-Differences between Pennsylvania and Oregon
I posted this list on our other blog. Check it out.
-Perceptions of Oregon
-Differences between Pennsylvania and Oregon
I posted this list on our other blog. Check it out.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Thoughts in Church
I wrote on my last blog that I was worried about people asking me "are you trying again yet?" Four (maybe more?) people have asked me that in the last few days. And a few others have asked me when we plan to have kids.
At church we usually sit in the back, which is where parents with young infants also tend to sit. So, each week at church Michael and I usually find ourselves watching little babies all service. OK, maybe it's more me than him, but I always point the babies out to Michael because they are always so adorable. Even as I sit here at the coffee shop there is a smiley, pudgy little baby sitting across from me. I see babies everywhere I go! Or, maybe my baby-radar is more acute?
I think I've mentioned this before, but I can't remember a single time I've been to church in the last few months and not cried, or teared up at least. I can't quite explain it, but I've realized I'm not communicating with God as much lately as I could/should be.
In some ways I think I'm afraid to be honest about being disappointed with God. This is a big deal. The devotional book I was reading after the miscarriage talked about this and challenged me in this area. It asked me to confront my true emotions regarding God's role (which is what?) in this, and asked me if I was upset with God. The point in the book was that it's OK to be upset with God, as that's an emotion of grief, as long as I begin to work through it. Is it OK to be upset with God? What does that really mean? In another section she actually presents the idea that we may feel the need to forgive God. Not that this means God did something that needs forgiving, but maybe in our hearts we have an emotion that needs to go through the process of releasing and "forgiving." Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm curious if anyone has an opinion or insight about this.
Back to church. When I'm at church my heart finds this place where it's raw and sensitive and honest, and without even realizing it I find myself just aching a little. And wanting to understand God's timing in a way that I can't right now. And wondering about the future. And exchanging smiles with the baby in the seat in front of me.
At church we usually sit in the back, which is where parents with young infants also tend to sit. So, each week at church Michael and I usually find ourselves watching little babies all service. OK, maybe it's more me than him, but I always point the babies out to Michael because they are always so adorable. Even as I sit here at the coffee shop there is a smiley, pudgy little baby sitting across from me. I see babies everywhere I go! Or, maybe my baby-radar is more acute?
I think I've mentioned this before, but I can't remember a single time I've been to church in the last few months and not cried, or teared up at least. I can't quite explain it, but I've realized I'm not communicating with God as much lately as I could/should be.
In some ways I think I'm afraid to be honest about being disappointed with God. This is a big deal. The devotional book I was reading after the miscarriage talked about this and challenged me in this area. It asked me to confront my true emotions regarding God's role (which is what?) in this, and asked me if I was upset with God. The point in the book was that it's OK to be upset with God, as that's an emotion of grief, as long as I begin to work through it. Is it OK to be upset with God? What does that really mean? In another section she actually presents the idea that we may feel the need to forgive God. Not that this means God did something that needs forgiving, but maybe in our hearts we have an emotion that needs to go through the process of releasing and "forgiving." Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm curious if anyone has an opinion or insight about this.
Back to church. When I'm at church my heart finds this place where it's raw and sensitive and honest, and without even realizing it I find myself just aching a little. And wanting to understand God's timing in a way that I can't right now. And wondering about the future. And exchanging smiles with the baby in the seat in front of me.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Restless
I've had random things on my mind over the last few days:
-Our Christmas/New Year Letter is finished! And more importantly, has been printed and mailed out. This is a big accomplishment since last year's letter was written but never sent.
-Money. Gotta' have it, especially when cost of living is so much higher here than back in Oregon. Gotta' work to get it, which is best when you like your job(s) (more on that in a moment). Today we received an unexpected last paycheck from Michael's job that he quit last spring at the high school in Salem. God continues to provide for us in times of need.
-Work. I'm reading a book about teaching right now, and it makes me miss real teaching. Not that student teaching is exactly "real teaching," but it's the closest I've gotten to teaching so far. But I do wish for my own classroom, to really have a chance to make an impact and do something meaningful. Substituting is hardly meaningful or rewarding, except for the very few students that I'm starting to have repeatedly, and know by name.
-Working out. I joined a gym and have dedicated myself to staying in shape. Plus, I figure Michael will be busy with schoolwork, so it will give me something to do. We still don't have a TV, so I get my TV fix while I work out. Working out has the added benefit of causing me to eat better and take better care of myself.
-Second semester. Michael starts school again on the 14th, which means another busy semester is about to begin. We are trying to enjoy as much time as we can together (between both our current work schedules) before the craziness of school begins again.
-Summer/Fall. I'm anxious about the future, as always. We're both excited to figure out where we will be heading this Fall. Because it's a new calendar year I seem to be reflecting more on what this year will bring. We're not sure when we will head to Oregon again, and we know Michael has school for the entire year.
-And the topic on my mind the most: Will this be the year we have a baby/get pregnant again? We hope so. But, we feel that we must wait until we have a better idea of our overseas plans before we can plan for that. So for now, we are waiting. The advantage of not telling anyone we were trying the first time meant no one had a clue and therefore no one could ever ask us, "so, are you pregnant yet?" I am afraid that people are starting to wonder, "are they going to start trying again?" It's been more than three months since the miscarriage. Overall, I'm doing well, but I have days when I find myself teary-eyed for no explained reason, except really, I know why. In some ways that's frustrating, to realize that I may find myself sad at unexpected moments for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am glad to know that something that has felt so much a part of who I am now will remain.
-Our Christmas/New Year Letter is finished! And more importantly, has been printed and mailed out. This is a big accomplishment since last year's letter was written but never sent.
-Money. Gotta' have it, especially when cost of living is so much higher here than back in Oregon. Gotta' work to get it, which is best when you like your job(s) (more on that in a moment). Today we received an unexpected last paycheck from Michael's job that he quit last spring at the high school in Salem. God continues to provide for us in times of need.
-Work. I'm reading a book about teaching right now, and it makes me miss real teaching. Not that student teaching is exactly "real teaching," but it's the closest I've gotten to teaching so far. But I do wish for my own classroom, to really have a chance to make an impact and do something meaningful. Substituting is hardly meaningful or rewarding, except for the very few students that I'm starting to have repeatedly, and know by name.
-Working out. I joined a gym and have dedicated myself to staying in shape. Plus, I figure Michael will be busy with schoolwork, so it will give me something to do. We still don't have a TV, so I get my TV fix while I work out. Working out has the added benefit of causing me to eat better and take better care of myself.
-Second semester. Michael starts school again on the 14th, which means another busy semester is about to begin. We are trying to enjoy as much time as we can together (between both our current work schedules) before the craziness of school begins again.
-Summer/Fall. I'm anxious about the future, as always. We're both excited to figure out where we will be heading this Fall. Because it's a new calendar year I seem to be reflecting more on what this year will bring. We're not sure when we will head to Oregon again, and we know Michael has school for the entire year.
-And the topic on my mind the most: Will this be the year we have a baby/get pregnant again? We hope so. But, we feel that we must wait until we have a better idea of our overseas plans before we can plan for that. So for now, we are waiting. The advantage of not telling anyone we were trying the first time meant no one had a clue and therefore no one could ever ask us, "so, are you pregnant yet?" I am afraid that people are starting to wonder, "are they going to start trying again?" It's been more than three months since the miscarriage. Overall, I'm doing well, but I have days when I find myself teary-eyed for no explained reason, except really, I know why. In some ways that's frustrating, to realize that I may find myself sad at unexpected moments for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am glad to know that something that has felt so much a part of who I am now will remain.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Servers are Complainers are Servers
I'm working on not complaining as much.
As a server (Yes we use this word not waiter or waitress), it seems inevitable that at some point every server will become a full-fledged complainer. Nothing will satisfy an experienced server.
Things servers complain about:
-Not enough tables
-Too many tables
-Not enough money
-Bad table sections
-Food comes out too slow
-Food comes out too fast
-Too many tables with not enough people
-Bad tips
-"Campers" (people who "camp out" for an extended period of time)
-Tables of two (never usually a money maker)
-Tables with kids
-Kids who order chocolate milk (we have to stir it up and make it ourselves)
-Parents who let their kids order, thinking it gives them some sense of responsibility, but really they just get shy and take ten minutes to order
-Not enough tables
-Sunday afternoon customers (are the stingiest tippers...because all the money went to tithing???)
-Not enough money
-Getting a whole bunch of tables at the same time
-Other servers are lazy
-Big parties who all order only water (Double complaints for lemons in the water!)
-Staying on the clock at not having enough tables
-Don't want to be at work, but don't make enough money....hmmmmm....
The list could go on and on. Basically, servers are never happy. I include myself in this list, though I am working hard to not complain. Complaining among servers festers and builds upon each other, and is not helpful. So I write this mostly to try to commit to making an effort to being positive.
Time to head back to work.
As a server (Yes we use this word not waiter or waitress), it seems inevitable that at some point every server will become a full-fledged complainer. Nothing will satisfy an experienced server.
Things servers complain about:
-Not enough tables
-Too many tables
-Not enough money
-Bad table sections
-Food comes out too slow
-Food comes out too fast
-Too many tables with not enough people
-Bad tips
-"Campers" (people who "camp out" for an extended period of time)
-Tables of two (never usually a money maker)
-Tables with kids
-Kids who order chocolate milk (we have to stir it up and make it ourselves)
-Parents who let their kids order, thinking it gives them some sense of responsibility, but really they just get shy and take ten minutes to order
-Not enough tables
-Sunday afternoon customers (are the stingiest tippers...because all the money went to tithing???)
-Not enough money
-Getting a whole bunch of tables at the same time
-Other servers are lazy
-Big parties who all order only water (Double complaints for lemons in the water!)
-Staying on the clock at not having enough tables
-Don't want to be at work, but don't make enough money....hmmmmm....
The list could go on and on. Basically, servers are never happy. I include myself in this list, though I am working hard to not complain. Complaining among servers festers and builds upon each other, and is not helpful. So I write this mostly to try to commit to making an effort to being positive.
Time to head back to work.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Christmas Vacation
We're home! Or did we just get back from "going home for Christmas?" I'm not sure where or what to call home, but either way, we're back in Pennsylvania.
And back to work. Our flight home from Portland took us to Seattle (with a four hour layover), and then to San Francisco, and with a delayed flight of over four hours, we finally slipped into bed around 5 am, almost 24 hours after we left Oregon. We slept in until 3:00 and I had to be at work at 4.
It was really good to be in Oregon. Michael and I had forgotten how much it rains in Oregon! We were blessed to see so many of our friends and family, many of whom we weren't sure if we would get to see.
One of the highlights of our trip was spending a day in Newberg, Michael's hometown and our college town, as well as where we got married. We spent a good amount of time at Chapters, our FAVORITE coffee shop, and actually ordered drinks twice while we were there, just to savor the coffee we so dearly miss. (Sidenote: We really miss good northwest espresso-especially Stumptown at Chapters.) Besides having amazing coffee, Chapters is the place to be in Newberg to just "run into" people. We ended up seeing many friends that were just stopping by for their own cup of joe. We also went over to Newberg Friends Church and got to visit with some of the pastoral staff (we worked as interns there during our senior year of college).
We were able to connect with some of our friends from Twin Rocks and Salem as well.
And of course, it was great to see both of our families, including a niece and two nephews.
It was good to be home for Christmas, especially because we aren't really sure where we will be next Christmas, and when we will get to visit out there again.
Michael doesn't start school again until January 14th, so he'll be working some and enjoying his break, while I will begin subbing again next week. And, trying to get our Christmas (New Year?) letter written! (We didn't get one out last year, so we'll see what happens).
And back to work. Our flight home from Portland took us to Seattle (with a four hour layover), and then to San Francisco, and with a delayed flight of over four hours, we finally slipped into bed around 5 am, almost 24 hours after we left Oregon. We slept in until 3:00 and I had to be at work at 4.
It was really good to be in Oregon. Michael and I had forgotten how much it rains in Oregon! We were blessed to see so many of our friends and family, many of whom we weren't sure if we would get to see.
One of the highlights of our trip was spending a day in Newberg, Michael's hometown and our college town, as well as where we got married. We spent a good amount of time at Chapters, our FAVORITE coffee shop, and actually ordered drinks twice while we were there, just to savor the coffee we so dearly miss. (Sidenote: We really miss good northwest espresso-especially Stumptown at Chapters.) Besides having amazing coffee, Chapters is the place to be in Newberg to just "run into" people. We ended up seeing many friends that were just stopping by for their own cup of joe. We also went over to Newberg Friends Church and got to visit with some of the pastoral staff (we worked as interns there during our senior year of college).
We were able to connect with some of our friends from Twin Rocks and Salem as well.
And of course, it was great to see both of our families, including a niece and two nephews.
It was good to be home for Christmas, especially because we aren't really sure where we will be next Christmas, and when we will get to visit out there again.
Michael doesn't start school again until January 14th, so he'll be working some and enjoying his break, while I will begin subbing again next week. And, trying to get our Christmas (New Year?) letter written! (We didn't get one out last year, so we'll see what happens).
Monday, December 17, 2007
More reading
Books I've read in the last few weeks:
"The Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" both by Khaled Hosseini-These are both excellent! I can't wait to see the movie that came out last weekend.
"Divisadero" by Michael Ondaatje (author of "The English Patient")
"Blood Done Sign My Name" by Timothy Tyson
"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy (Kind of slow and depressing, an Oprah's Book Club selection)
"Catch-22" by Joseph Heller (I've started this one three times and finally finished it!)
"The River Why" by David James Duncan
"The Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" both by Khaled Hosseini-These are both excellent! I can't wait to see the movie that came out last weekend.
"Divisadero" by Michael Ondaatje (author of "The English Patient")
"Blood Done Sign My Name" by Timothy Tyson
"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy (Kind of slow and depressing, an Oprah's Book Club selection)
"Catch-22" by Joseph Heller (I've started this one three times and finally finished it!)
"The River Why" by David James Duncan
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Wintertime in Wayne
I haven't posted in a while, mostly because Michael has needed the computer non-stop for the last few weeks to finish a crazy amount of papers and projects for school. And I've been really busy teaching all day and working at the restaurant a lot.
Some highlights over the last few weeks:
-I haven't been enjoying substituting too much. (I sub every single day). It's much better than working in the restaurant, but being a sub is nothing like being a teacher and having my own room. As I've said before, subbing is more like "glorified babysitting," and I feel like I have to be stern and don't get to enjoy the students like I did last year student teaching. I find myself missing my students from last year. Only a few times have I actually had the chance to "teach," and lead class discussions, and those have been really good days.
-We went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and saw our brand new niece. It was really fun to be around family after being in PA for a few months, away from family and friends. Being around a brand new baby was therapy for me, though I had mixed emotions all weekend. I am so, so thankful that my bro/sister-in-law finally have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby girl. So thankful, in fact, I was moved to tears throughout the weekend. I think I also found myself in tears at times knowing my turn is yet to come. But I think it helped me be more at terms with our own timing. So thanks, Tim and Amy, for letting us be there to experience those first few days with you.
-The high school I sub at was recently ranked 79th in the nation by World News Report. Over the last few weeks seniors are applying to colleges and hearing back if they got into their school(s) of choice, among them Ivy League schools and very elite schools. I have a hard time relating, since I don't remember being too nervous about getting into school-the league of schools is much different. It's such a different world here in so many ways.
-I had my 25th birthday last week. I feel old, although I did have a teacher ask me for my hall pass a few weeks ago. And I had a student tell me he thought I was a student when he first walked into class.
-This Tuesday Michael and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary. It's been the best year for us by far. Lately we've noticed how much fun we have together, and have grown so much closer this year. We are so excited for what the year to come will bring.
-We got our first real snow fall here, and I loved every second of it!! (Except the few seconds when I almost slid into a brand new Chevy Suburban while getting used to driving in the snow/ice).
-We're headed home to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and to see friends and family, and we have been looking forward to it immensely!
Some highlights over the last few weeks:
-I haven't been enjoying substituting too much. (I sub every single day). It's much better than working in the restaurant, but being a sub is nothing like being a teacher and having my own room. As I've said before, subbing is more like "glorified babysitting," and I feel like I have to be stern and don't get to enjoy the students like I did last year student teaching. I find myself missing my students from last year. Only a few times have I actually had the chance to "teach," and lead class discussions, and those have been really good days.
-We went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and saw our brand new niece. It was really fun to be around family after being in PA for a few months, away from family and friends. Being around a brand new baby was therapy for me, though I had mixed emotions all weekend. I am so, so thankful that my bro/sister-in-law finally have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby girl. So thankful, in fact, I was moved to tears throughout the weekend. I think I also found myself in tears at times knowing my turn is yet to come. But I think it helped me be more at terms with our own timing. So thanks, Tim and Amy, for letting us be there to experience those first few days with you.
-The high school I sub at was recently ranked 79th in the nation by World News Report. Over the last few weeks seniors are applying to colleges and hearing back if they got into their school(s) of choice, among them Ivy League schools and very elite schools. I have a hard time relating, since I don't remember being too nervous about getting into school-the league of schools is much different. It's such a different world here in so many ways.
-I had my 25th birthday last week. I feel old, although I did have a teacher ask me for my hall pass a few weeks ago. And I had a student tell me he thought I was a student when he first walked into class.
-This Tuesday Michael and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary. It's been the best year for us by far. Lately we've noticed how much fun we have together, and have grown so much closer this year. We are so excited for what the year to come will bring.
-We got our first real snow fall here, and I loved every second of it!! (Except the few seconds when I almost slid into a brand new Chevy Suburban while getting used to driving in the snow/ice).
-We're headed home to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and to see friends and family, and we have been looking forward to it immensely!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Real Life on TV
The other day my mom told me about an episode of "Brothers & Sisters," a show I have never seen. In the episode, one of the characters has a miscarriage, and then a D & C (I had a D & E). I decided to watch it...
The beginning of the show started with the excitement of having just discovered the pregnancy. Because I knew what was going to happen, I kept waiting for the sad event to happen. She went to the OBGYN and had an ultrasound. I felt like in a way I was reliving my own experience, except she had no idea what was about to happen, and I did. The doctor looked at the screen, expecting everything to be fine, and then adjusted the screen, staring at it more closely for a few moments. At this point, the woman sensed something was wrong.
I remember watching the face of my ultrasound technician, laying there at 1:30 in the morning. She looked for an extra amount of time on the screen, while Michael and I both held each others' hands and our breath in anticipation. Deep down we knew the news was bad, especially as we studied her face and saw in her eyes a hopelessness as she spent extra time searching the screen for some sign of life.
The doctor on the show then told the woman, "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but I can't find a heartbeat." Those were the same words we heard that night, and the memory of it hit me all over again.
Later in the episode the woman admits she can't bring herself to drink a cup of coffee. That would somehow validate the truth that she no longer needs to be aware of what she eats or drinks-I remember going through that same thought process. At the end of the show, after her surgery, the woman said to her mom, "I think I just need to be sad for a while." Only someone who has experienced that kind of loss can understand the true depth of those words.
What I've learned through this whole process is that there are times when I just need to embrace the sadness that washes over me. Sometimes the sadness hits as a direct response to something, like seeing a pregnant woman or a brand new infant or getting an email from a pregnant friend. But sometimes it's a bit more subtle, when it's just a "normal" day, yet somewhere deep down I feel a little empty, like a piece of me is missing.
I've noticed that the sad moments have decreased in frequency, though they still happen. And I think as time moves on, they will continue to decrease in amount though not always in intensity. Part of me knows that these sad moments will never completely disappear, and truthfully, I don't want them to.
The beginning of the show started with the excitement of having just discovered the pregnancy. Because I knew what was going to happen, I kept waiting for the sad event to happen. She went to the OBGYN and had an ultrasound. I felt like in a way I was reliving my own experience, except she had no idea what was about to happen, and I did. The doctor looked at the screen, expecting everything to be fine, and then adjusted the screen, staring at it more closely for a few moments. At this point, the woman sensed something was wrong.
I remember watching the face of my ultrasound technician, laying there at 1:30 in the morning. She looked for an extra amount of time on the screen, while Michael and I both held each others' hands and our breath in anticipation. Deep down we knew the news was bad, especially as we studied her face and saw in her eyes a hopelessness as she spent extra time searching the screen for some sign of life.
The doctor on the show then told the woman, "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but I can't find a heartbeat." Those were the same words we heard that night, and the memory of it hit me all over again.
Later in the episode the woman admits she can't bring herself to drink a cup of coffee. That would somehow validate the truth that she no longer needs to be aware of what she eats or drinks-I remember going through that same thought process. At the end of the show, after her surgery, the woman said to her mom, "I think I just need to be sad for a while." Only someone who has experienced that kind of loss can understand the true depth of those words.
What I've learned through this whole process is that there are times when I just need to embrace the sadness that washes over me. Sometimes the sadness hits as a direct response to something, like seeing a pregnant woman or a brand new infant or getting an email from a pregnant friend. But sometimes it's a bit more subtle, when it's just a "normal" day, yet somewhere deep down I feel a little empty, like a piece of me is missing.
I've noticed that the sad moments have decreased in frequency, though they still happen. And I think as time moves on, they will continue to decrease in amount though not always in intensity. Part of me knows that these sad moments will never completely disappear, and truthfully, I don't want them to.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Back in the School Environment
Since I started substituting I have been very busy. I've been glad to get called almost every day, and mostly in the same building which is only a few minutes from our apartment. After only a couple weeks, though, I'm already realizing how different this is than having my own room with my own students. I don't have nearly as much of an opportunity to build relationships with students.
The other day I was subbing for a study hall and a student asked to go to his locker. He came back a little while later and reeked of cigarette smoke. He had been working really hard on his math homework. Then he sat talking to a friend telling him how his parents keep making him take drug tests, and he's figured out how to get around them, and how if they find him taking drugs again they are sending him to a rehab/boot camp place in Utah.
And of course, he didn't think I could hear a word he was saying, as all students think teachers, especially substitutes, are deaf. I sat there frustrated, knowing there was no real point in confronting him or doing anything about the fact that I suspected that he was smoking. Not to mention, he could care less. He obviously had bigger problems. The thing that killed me was that if I were his regular teacher, and had built a relationship with him, I would have felt more compelled to do something. He seemed to care a little about homework- he was sitting there working on his math for most of the period.
I don't mind substituting. One of the big perks is that I read all day. Usually I pass out a worksheet for the students to work on, or they watch a movie. Most teachers just make the lesson plans super easy for a sub, so I am more like a glorified babysitter for high school (and occasionally middle school) students.
So, I have read a lot of books. In the past week I've read the following:
Barack Obama's "Audacity of Hope"
"The Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" by Ishmael Beah
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and "For One More Day" both by Mitch Albom
"Child of the Jungle" by Sabine Kuegler
The other day I was subbing for a study hall and a student asked to go to his locker. He came back a little while later and reeked of cigarette smoke. He had been working really hard on his math homework. Then he sat talking to a friend telling him how his parents keep making him take drug tests, and he's figured out how to get around them, and how if they find him taking drugs again they are sending him to a rehab/boot camp place in Utah.
And of course, he didn't think I could hear a word he was saying, as all students think teachers, especially substitutes, are deaf. I sat there frustrated, knowing there was no real point in confronting him or doing anything about the fact that I suspected that he was smoking. Not to mention, he could care less. He obviously had bigger problems. The thing that killed me was that if I were his regular teacher, and had built a relationship with him, I would have felt more compelled to do something. He seemed to care a little about homework- he was sitting there working on his math for most of the period.
I don't mind substituting. One of the big perks is that I read all day. Usually I pass out a worksheet for the students to work on, or they watch a movie. Most teachers just make the lesson plans super easy for a sub, so I am more like a glorified babysitter for high school (and occasionally middle school) students.
So, I have read a lot of books. In the past week I've read the following:
Barack Obama's "Audacity of Hope"
"The Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" by Ishmael Beah
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and "For One More Day" both by Mitch Albom
"Child of the Jungle" by Sabine Kuegler
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Coping
My emotions have been up and down lately. Last weekend at church during a baby dedication I found myself completely fine as the pastor shared a few words, and the moment he stared praying I began weeping uncontrollably. I may be entering a depression stage of grief, because I find myself sad beyond words. I zone out and stare off into space, and my heart feels heavy. Michael senses my sadness, and wants me to be open to talking about it with him, but truthfully, I have no words. The only thing I find myself being able to verbalize, is "I'm feeling sad today," which is usually followed by a bout of tears.
It's been good to process with our friends that I posted about the other day, who recently had a miscarriage. Knowing that someone else is going through some of the same emotions at almost the same time is helpful, somehow, because it simply validates everything I'm feeling. And, she understands the struggle to deal with everyday life (as everyone else moves on) in the midst of grief.
It's been five weeks. In some ways it feels like it just happened, and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago. Michael and I have continued to dialogue about our future, as we keep thinking about post-graduate school. The internship he is required to have next fall could be just that-a three month "internship" where we would leave after it's done-or, it could be a full-time job that is more long-term. And I find myself trying to figure out how a baby will fit into the picture-or rather, when.
I still see babies and young children at work and hear myself automatically thinking, "I want a baby of my own." And I also want to say to these mothers, "I hope you are cherishing every second with your little child, because you are so lucky to have a healthy baby." Sometimes I think more deeply, "Well, maybe they have had a hard time too. I don't know their story."
And then I find myself looking around, wondering how many others are grieving some kind of loss, but are forced to carry on with life, pasting on a smile and going through the motions of every day life.
It's been good to process with our friends that I posted about the other day, who recently had a miscarriage. Knowing that someone else is going through some of the same emotions at almost the same time is helpful, somehow, because it simply validates everything I'm feeling. And, she understands the struggle to deal with everyday life (as everyone else moves on) in the midst of grief.
It's been five weeks. In some ways it feels like it just happened, and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago. Michael and I have continued to dialogue about our future, as we keep thinking about post-graduate school. The internship he is required to have next fall could be just that-a three month "internship" where we would leave after it's done-or, it could be a full-time job that is more long-term. And I find myself trying to figure out how a baby will fit into the picture-or rather, when.
I still see babies and young children at work and hear myself automatically thinking, "I want a baby of my own." And I also want to say to these mothers, "I hope you are cherishing every second with your little child, because you are so lucky to have a healthy baby." Sometimes I think more deeply, "Well, maybe they have had a hard time too. I don't know their story."
And then I find myself looking around, wondering how many others are grieving some kind of loss, but are forced to carry on with life, pasting on a smile and going through the motions of every day life.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Busy
I haven't had much time with the computer because Michael usually has it for school. Plus, our "free" internet is no longer available in our apartment, so we are limited that way.
I've been busy lately, with interviews and working. Yesterday was my first official day substituting! It was anti-climatic, because all I did was push play on a DVD player for three periods. Today I have another interview with a district much closer, and I have a third interview next week, in a district that is a block or two from our apartment. I think three districts will be good for now. We'll see what happens, though I had to turn down a sub job this morning because of my interview today.
Last weekend we went to New Jersey to see Oregon friends. I'll post some pictures of our apple-picking adventure later.
I've been busy lately, with interviews and working. Yesterday was my first official day substituting! It was anti-climatic, because all I did was push play on a DVD player for three periods. Today I have another interview with a district much closer, and I have a third interview next week, in a district that is a block or two from our apartment. I think three districts will be good for now. We'll see what happens, though I had to turn down a sub job this morning because of my interview today.
Last weekend we went to New Jersey to see Oregon friends. I'll post some pictures of our apple-picking adventure later.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Shout outs to the in-laws
Today was a good mail day.
I finally received my Pennsylvania Teaching License in the mail!! I've spent the last couple hours putting together my application packet for a local school district, and tomorrow I am going to sign papers with the other district that I am already hired in. We received a new copier/printer from Michael's brother Nick in the mail a couple weeks ago, and it has already proved to be extremely useful. For every position I apply to I have to make multiple copies of clearances, forms, and certifications. Usually I have to run to the store and make copies, but here I am at midnight making copies from home. It's awesome. (Thanks again Nick!)
The other exciting piece of mail came as a result of a previous post in which we had just discovered that this area of the country has no maple bars. My mother-in-law sent us a package today with maple bars! We are so excited, and can't wait to show our friends this Northwest treat. (So, thanks Bev!)
I finally received my Pennsylvania Teaching License in the mail!! I've spent the last couple hours putting together my application packet for a local school district, and tomorrow I am going to sign papers with the other district that I am already hired in. We received a new copier/printer from Michael's brother Nick in the mail a couple weeks ago, and it has already proved to be extremely useful. For every position I apply to I have to make multiple copies of clearances, forms, and certifications. Usually I have to run to the store and make copies, but here I am at midnight making copies from home. It's awesome. (Thanks again Nick!)
The other exciting piece of mail came as a result of a previous post in which we had just discovered that this area of the country has no maple bars. My mother-in-law sent us a package today with maple bars! We are so excited, and can't wait to show our friends this Northwest treat. (So, thanks Bev!)
Monday, October 15, 2007
Please Pray
We found out today that our friends who were due a week before we were had a miscarriage today. Because they were further a long they are going into the hospital tonight to induce labor. Please pray for them.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Processing
It's been three weeks since the miscarriage. I've been keeping myself very busy, and have been surprised how emotionally drained I feel when I finally stop and breathe. The devotional book I'm reading has talked about how this can be a coping mechanism, I just didn't think I was busy for the sake of being busy. I'm noticing though, that it seems to help keep my mind not focused on the grief.
Today I met with my doctor who performed the surgery at the hospital. I'm back to "normal," and everything is fine (at least physically).
Lately what's been hard is realizing how far along "I would be." One set of close friends is about a month further along then I would have been, and another couple is about a week further along. As I get updates, and realize they are beginning to "show" or even feel the baby kick, I am reminded of what I am missing out on. And I also realize that I will be making these comparisons in my head throughout the rest of their pregnancies, if not even longer than that.
I also just found out that my brother and his wife are expecting in June. I am very excited for them, especially because of the grace God has shown in completely restoring a broken relationship between us, not to mention seeing them go through the process of dedicating their lives to the Lord. It's been a direct, tangible answer to a lot of prayer. This is their second child, and I am so excited to get to be a part of their lives for this pregnancy. I know they were somewhat hesitant to share their news with us, because of our recent loss, but I am so excited for them. I did find myself calculating that this would have meant our child would have had two cousins within six months.
It's hard knowing that my grief process is so different from those around me. Months from now when I may be still feeling the loss acutely, others may barely remember. But that's ok. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I almost always reply, "Just taking it one day at a time." Because that's all I can do.
Today I met with my doctor who performed the surgery at the hospital. I'm back to "normal," and everything is fine (at least physically).
Lately what's been hard is realizing how far along "I would be." One set of close friends is about a month further along then I would have been, and another couple is about a week further along. As I get updates, and realize they are beginning to "show" or even feel the baby kick, I am reminded of what I am missing out on. And I also realize that I will be making these comparisons in my head throughout the rest of their pregnancies, if not even longer than that.
I also just found out that my brother and his wife are expecting in June. I am very excited for them, especially because of the grace God has shown in completely restoring a broken relationship between us, not to mention seeing them go through the process of dedicating their lives to the Lord. It's been a direct, tangible answer to a lot of prayer. This is their second child, and I am so excited to get to be a part of their lives for this pregnancy. I know they were somewhat hesitant to share their news with us, because of our recent loss, but I am so excited for them. I did find myself calculating that this would have meant our child would have had two cousins within six months.
It's hard knowing that my grief process is so different from those around me. Months from now when I may be still feeling the loss acutely, others may barely remember. But that's ok. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I almost always reply, "Just taking it one day at a time." Because that's all I can do.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
It's About Time...
My Pennsylvania Teaching License Application has been officially approved, and according to my status on the Dept. of Ed website, they have issued me my license and sent it in the mail!!! That was yesterday, so I should get it by Friday.
Finally!
Finally!
Children's Footprints
Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
Doreen Sexton
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
Doreen Sexton
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