April Showers Bring:

I'm excited that it's April. A lot will be going on this month, and I know it will fly by quickly.

-When April is over I will have only a month and a half of teaching left for the school year. So, I have started looking for a summer job, and I think I'm going to nanny. I put an ad on craigslist and am meeting with a family tonight. I'm hoping to find just the right family and kids.

-A few months ago we were saying that by the end of April or May we'd like to know where we are headed in the Fall. Unless things move very quickly it looks like April may be out. But that's ok. Patience is a virtue, right?

-Michael's siblings are both coming to visit this month, but unfortunately missing each other by about 8 hours. Nick and Lindsay are coming in a couple weeks to visit NY where Lindsay will be going to graduate school in the Fall. They leave that Sunday and then Amy and Isabelle fly in that afternoon. Tim will be in Boston for work and is going to come down when he's done. Michael and I are both SUPER excited to see family (we haven't seen anyone since Christmas), and of course, we can't wait to see our niece who we've only seen when she was a week old. I can't wait to hold a baby!! (See next bullet point). And, we may get to see our other very close friends who will be in Virginia for a conference, and are going to try to drive up and visit. We are so excited for all these visitors!

-April 21st: The day I was due (by my calculations-we never actually went to the doctor while I was pregnant). I feel very aware of all my friends who found out they were pregnant at the same time as us, and are almost due or already had their baby. It's weird for me to think that I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant right now. I'm really thankful for the timing of Amy and Isabelle's visit, because I will get to hold a baby on the day I was supposed to be holding my own.

Blessings in the mail

This week I got a card in the mail from a very dear friend of mine. I have been blessed with a few (as Anne of Green Gables would say) "kindred spirits" in my life, and this is one of those friends. We may not talk every day, or even very often, but we have a connection and openness that revives instantly the moment we reconnect. I am thankful for my experience of being on summer staff at Twin Rocks, because when I think about people I value in my life, I'm amazed at how many precious friendships have come from that place, including this one.

It's been fun over the last few years to get updates from old summer staff members. New jobs, relationships, and a lot of weddings continue to happen (and after the weddings come the baby announcements). This year alone I can think of at least five weddings, and I'm sure there are more that I am forgetting.

But back to the card. In it were words of truth that brought tears to my eyes. As we both are struggling to have patience and wait upon the Lord for his timing, we have found encouragement from one another. As I read her words, I felt they echoed my own thoughts. So thank you, Dear Friend, for your words of encouragement and truth:

Our Lord is truly MIGHTY TO SAVE. If he can move mountains, he can surely bless us and grant us the desires of our heart. Whenever I begin to doubt...I reassure myself that God is all I need. I wanted to get married, and God blessed me with a wonderful husband. Anything else that happens now, I tell myself, is purely extra. I don't NEED a child. I would love to have one more than anything, but when it comes down to it God is really all I need...God can do so much for us in the "waiting."

And so I wait.

This week as a Substitute

I enjoyed my Spring Break last week, though much of it was spent getting over a nasty cold (I thought I should specify what kind of sick I was feeling, since certain family members were wondering if my sickness referred to flu-like symptoms), and working at the restaurant. Regardless, it was nice to have a break and time to slow down and see my husband.

The week before Spring Break I substituted most of the week in the Parenting/Childhood Development classroom. During the Parenting class we watched movies such as "Cheaper by the Dozen," "Parent Trap," and "Yours, Mine and Ours," as students studied family units. The Childhood development class is actually a preschool, where the high school students plan and teach lessons they've created. It was fun to get to spend the week with three and four years olds-they are undeniably adorable!

This week I am lucky enough to be substituting again for the same teacher. This week the Parenting class is studying (what else?) pregnancy. Today we watched a video, "Eating for two," all about how to handle nutrition and health during pregnancy, and tomorrow we will be watching a very scientific video showing the process of conception and fertilization (from the inside, of course!). And, I get to continue to enjoy working with the preschoolers. These kids are at such a fun age, where they are learning how to interact with peers, and always say the darndest things. All that to say that I'm enjoying substituting this week, though working with little ones is exhausting as well.

I've been at home sick for the past week. I called into work sick on Wednesday, pushed through Thursday, and stayed home all day Friday and Saturday. I tried working Sunday and came home after an hour. I'm feeling better today, and fortunately it's my Spring Break this week, so I have more time to rest. (I'm still working at the restaurant, but at least I can sleep in).

I think my body has been trying to tell me something: I'm working too much. Or rather, I need to rest more. I think I'm going to cut down to three closing shifts a week at the restaurant, at least for a little while. I get sick like this whenever I push myself too hard. Last spring this happened and I lost my voice for a couple days, in the midst of graduate school and student teaching. It's amazing that our bodies are made to let us know when we need to rest.

Springtime Thoughts

Psalm 71:5-7

O lord, you alone are my hope.
I've trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.

Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother's womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!

My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and my protection.

These verses have been on my mind and heart over the last few weeks. I was doing a Bible study activity, studying about how God is, among many names, my Hope. The reference was for the first verse, but as I read on I was amazed at how much the words spoke to where I am at.

I haven't written about what's on my mind as much as I could. For one, I go days without checking my email or using the computer. (I started this blog two days ago and am just now able to continue). Two, I wonder at times whether what I am thinking is worth writing about for others to read.

But, for what it's worth, I'll share a little bit:

Lately my biggest struggle is not being able to go very long without thinking about my hopes and desires for a baby. I thought I was handling it fine, and mostly I am, but some days it's hard. It's hard because we are waiting to know what our future looks like, and I am struggling between being practical and giving into my need to ease my immediate hopes and longings. Does that make me selfish also? Unhappiness with both of my jobs probably adds to my current anxiety. Being that it is spring time, this all comes to my mind more often. I would be due in a month. My friends from college just had their baby, and they were due a month before we were. I had kept track of how many friends and family were pregnant when we were, and now many of them have already had their baby.

It's springtime, and I am looking forward to warmer days, and sunshine, and getting little steps closer to knowing our future: where? when? how long? what will we be doing? And, when will the wait be over?

New days

I've been at my new job the last two days. Yesterday was crazy because I was in the Academic Support room, sometimes called the "emotional support" room, where kids who are either on IEPs (Individual Educational Plans such as getting extra test time, or hard copies of all notes), or are struggling with class and/or failing. These kids had attitude. I worked in there with two other aides, so I sort of took the backseat and let them run the room like usual. This plan has worked in the other two schools where I would sub in the special ed rooms. Unfortunately, I realized too late, this class was a bit different, and walked all over the aides. At one point a student who wandered in the room to "take a ten minute nap" while on his lunch break, and instead proceeded to check his facebook, blew up at an aide, used foul language, and slammed the door on the way out. Needless to say I had to follow him out into the hall and have a little talking to with him. That is NOT ok to do, ever.

Today was much better. I subbed for a social studies teacher, and got to sit in on the first hour of a class where actual teaching and discussion was happening. It was refreshing to remember what that was like, and it made me miss not having my own students and classes to teach. But I did enjoy myself today. Knowing that I'm a permanent fixture (at least for the rest of the year) means I felt more like I was settling in to a new home, and the teachers were very friendly and chatty and welcoming in the teacher workrooms.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the next few months and feeling more like I belong rather than an outsider that's temporary.

Continuing Thoughs

I wanted to add to my last post. Krista, thanks so much for the perspective on numbers. I actually wasn't sure the exact numbers, so I did a little research.

The total number of legal abortions in the United States since 1973 (Roe v. Wade) is estimated at anywhere from 35-46 million. That is a lot. A very significant number not to be ignored. More than I may have guessed if put on the spot. Another study said that from 1920-2000 it is estimated that there have been anywhere from 527-836 million abortions worldwide. WOW! It's sickening, isn't it? This includes all countries and forms of practices throughout the world.

To find the number of casualties, deaths, or lives lost in war, any war, or all wars is a big project. I found a few websites that list the number of estimated deaths in the 20th century. This includes civilians, military, and other deaths (like famine) caused by war. Again, having studied history I do not think it is black and white whether every war can be avoided, but considering the numbers I would like to hope we could exhaust all other options first. Especially when John McCain tells us we may be in Iraq for another 100 YEARS!

The following information was taken from this website:

(Matthew White, Historical Atlas of the Twentieth Century, 2001):

* Deaths by War and Oppression:
o Genocide and Tyranny:
+ 83,000,000
o Military Deaths in War:
+ 42,000,000
o Civilian Deaths in War:
+ 19,000,000
o Man-made Famine:
+ 44,000,000
o TOTAL:
+ 188,000,000

I want to reemphasize that the number of legal abortions is extremely significant (though if it wasn't legal the number of illegal would increase), and that I'm not discounting that. Back to my original point, we could look at the number of deaths based on poverty, racism, lack of medical care, and war, and realize there are a lot of issues that our politicians need to address. All of this can be touchy without any answers in black and white (hence the name of my blog!), but I believe it's healthy to discuss and keep our minds, hearts, and spirits challenging the status quo, especially as Christians.

Thoughts on Politics

I have been watching this presidential nomination process very closely. I find myself nervous at times, and dare I say emotional as I listen to speeches that speak to me and allow me to dream about future possibilities. I go online as soon as the polls are expected to close to see what the results are, I watch CNN and MSNBC while I work out at the gym, I read the newspaper and online news constantly.

Last night I was reading Gregg's Gabmles post on Presidential Politics. I loved his post, and have felt the same as I've heard both Michelle and Barack Obama speak. I too, find myself saying YES! to my computer screen as I watch speeches. And truthfully, I tried to keep an open mind about Hillary. I didn't read her book, as I did Obama's, but I tried to read about her policies and be open to what she may have to say. But try as I might, lately she has repulsed me. I've read and seen videos showing how manipulative and power-hungry she is, heard testimonies of some of her closest advisers, and I just cringe.

I read the comments following Gregg's post, and had mixed feelings. One person compared the Obama fever with the 1960s and the way Americans flocked to JFK after an old timer like Eisenhower. I see similarities in this, as I studied a lot of American history to receive my history degree, but I think there is a difference here. JFK had political connections we can't even imagine because of his name, there was a long history of corruption (he received winning votes from people who weren't alive, for example), and in some ways was in the right place at the right time. True, in many ways he proved ill-equipped to handle the nation's problems. Obama, on the other hand, is competing heavily with another politician who has "experience," and thus if Obama wins it's not because no viable candidate ran against him. Many argue that Obama is all talk and no show, but listening, truly listening to his words, one can come to realize that this is no ordinary politician. Sure, he's forced to play the game, (he acknowledges in his book that unfortunately this is how our country runs its politics), but he has hope that this can change. More importantly, he is aware of the need for it to change.

This same commenter also said, "his stand on the value of human life scares me," to which another commenter responded well, saying "we have plenty of already LIVING human beings dying." To which I say, "That friend speaks my mind!"

This gets into one of the first issues I ever blogged about, why I started this blog in the first place. Why are so many Christians so focused on one or two issues (abortion and homosexuality) that they are willing to overlook so many other issues?? How can Republicans (and many Christians) be so Pro-Life yet be Pro-military and Pro-kill-all-enemies-of-America-because-God's-on-our-side? How many more millions of people have died in war than from abortion? Believe me, I am against abortion, but why do so many support life before birth, to virtually ignore issues of poverty and injustice once these babies are born?

I may not fully support Obama's Pro-Choice stance on abortion, but to me, his stance on poverty, education, ending the war, and many other issues seems much more "Pro-Life" than any other candidate running for the Presidential nomination in any party.

Thanks Gregg, for the thoughts!

Snowy Afternoon

It's snowing right now. I'm home at 11:30 because the school district called for an early release due to icy roads expected this afternoon. I have the whole afternoon and evening off!

The school I interviewed with yesterday called me yesterday and offered me the building sub position for the high school. I told them I'd let them know today, but as I thought about it last night I realized I have no reason not to take it, except not having too much flexibility during the week, but that's real life, right? I could think of many more reasons why I should: better pay, guaranteed job every day through the end of the school year, never having to deal with sub callers or waking up at 5 am to check for new jobs online, it will look good on a resume to be a building substitute versus a per diem sub, limited benefits (though I'm not sure what, some sick days/personal days).

So, I think I am going to call today and accept the job. I always feel bad letting other people down (the other two schools I work at), but I have to do what's best for me in this case.

Catching up

During the week I don't have much time to blog, so my mind begins to accumulate things I want to mention. Here's a few of them.

1. I joined a women's Bible study at our new church, and it starts tonight. We're reading "The Power of a Praying Woman" and I'm really excited. One of Michael's professors joined it also, so I'm looking forward to getting to know her better as well.

2. A group of friends from Michael's program started an indoor coed soccer team. Our first game was last Thursday, and I'm still sore. It's going to be a lot of fun, though I was a little intimidated at first because every person on the team but me played collegiate soccer (well, the goalie didn't either).

3. Today I interviewed for a building substitute position in a district I've subbed in only three times. If I get it, it means I would have a guaranteed job every single day for the rest of the school year. I'm not quite sure if I want that though. Plus, I really enjoy the other two districts that I sub in most of the time.

4. I've never practiced Lent, although one year Michael and I tried to give up ice cream, and that lasted about two days. This year I was thinking about it while at work, and decided I'd give up "complaining at work." So far I've done really well, and I feel like my overall attitude (and tips?!) have improved.

5. I meant to blog about this a long time ago. Last fall after our miscarriage Michael and I were trying to come up with something to help us in our grieving and healing process. We never picked a name (some people do despite not knowing a gender), so finally we decided to buy a teddy bear to have something tangible and significant to us. We went to Build-A-Bear and found the cutest bear with little patches on it. We went through the process of stuffing the bear, putting the heart inside the bear, and naming the bear. The tag it came with called the bear Champ, saying it is a "brave fighter," and the patches represent overcome struggles. The patches are a symbol of a young girl who passed away from cancer at 15, and the idea behind the bear is to let kids know it's ok to need help and share your feelings/struggles. For some reason we just loved the bear. We ended up getting the bear on the same day that our niece, Isabelle, was born, which was also special for us.




6. Over the last two weekends we've been able to visit with friends from Oregon who now live in New Jersey. Two weekends ago we gave our friends a tour of downtown Philadelphia, Liberty Bell and all. Last Saturday we drove up to Princeton where our other friends just moved back to, and got to spend the day visiting with them and touring Princeton. It's fun to have a little bit of Oregon on the east coast.



Love Park


Princeton University

Super Tuesday

Holding my breath on Super Tuesday. I'm actually nervous and anxious.

I hope all you Idaho and Colorado folks (and many others) are voting today!

It's definitely time for a change.

Pennsylvania Random Facts 101

I learned a few fun facts about Pennsylvania this week:

-No matter where you are in the state, you are never more than 25 miles from a state park.

-PA is 33rd in size (area) but 5th by population.

-Native residents of PA are more likely to stay here, in their home state, than any other state in the nation.

-1/3 of PA residents live in rural areas, the largest non-urban population in the nation.

-PA drivers have the 3rd lowest auto mileage in the nation, probably due to the fact that most live less than 25 minutes from work.

-There are more bridges in the state (57,000) than any area on earth its size.

-William Penn owned it all (no commoner in history before or since has personally owned so much land).

-PA's road systems are equal to all of New England and New Jersey highways, local roads, and city streets combined.

-PA German carpenters in the 1730s built Conestoga wagons with a "lazy board" at the front left for the driver to stand on. All U.S. vehicles have had the driver on the left ever since.

-PA is one of only three states with more than one major orchestra and art museum and more than one team in major league baseball, football, and hockey.

Age is how you feel, right?

The other night I was hanging out with two other wives while Michael and the two husbands did homework. Somehow we started talking about age. I know that Heidi graduated a year after me, and Emily graduated a year before me. At some point I made a comment about being 24, and Heidi told me I am actually 25, which of course I had to disagree with. And Em said she was 24 also, about to turn 25. Then we realized that doesn't make sense, and we kept talking back and forth, trying to figure out our ages. I actually had to pull out a piece of paper and do the math:

2007
-1982
-------
25

Em and I were both born in 1982, so we realized that we had to be 25, and that she will turn 26 soon (in 2008). I wasn't convinced until I remembered Michael had his golden birthday last year (24 on the 24th), and I realized if he is going to be 25 soon then I just turned 25.

Someone just asked me at work how old I am and I told them I just turned 24.

I guess this means I'm getting old, when I have no idea how old I am anymore.

Driving home from work...

Today's outrageous NPR comment:

A woman called in to the show and said she really likes Barack Obama. In fact, he's her number one choice. But she's not sure if she's going to vote for him because she's afraid that if he is elected he will be assassinated. Apparently, there is momentum behind this idea; there are people who want Obama to be President but are afraid they would be to blame for his assassination if they vote him into the White House.

Wow.

This is almost as crazy as the woman who came into the restaurant I serve in last Fall and told me that if Clinton is elected President, Obama will be VP (which I don't think would happen), and then he will plot her assassination so he can become President and force all Americans to become Muslim.

Double Wow.

Only because you asked...

My sister-in-law, Amy, tagged me, and since I never usually respond to these I thought I would for once. I came up with this list today while I was substituting.


6 Non-Important things/habits/quirks about myself:

1. I love history, especially American history, and love teaching it in a way students want to learn it, and can realize how much it really does affect them. (Most people think of history as boring, date memorization and/or irrelevant to today.) The corollary to this is that I'm a nerd.

2. One of the things I'd like to do before I die is write a best-selling novel. I've had this idea for as long as I can remember. Maybe a semi-autobiographical novel-type. Or a historical novel. I go back and forth between the two.

3. I aspire to be a morning person. Morning People seem so...motivated. Unfortunately, I am a night owl who enjoys sleeping in. On the plus side, I married a night owl who enjoys sleeping in with me.

4. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies, and movies, books, and TV shows that make me cry. I weep like a baby when I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "The Notebook" and "Armageddon," to name a few. A lot of books make me ball my eyes out as well.

5. I believe a good cry is good for the soul. Every once in a while I have to have a good cry. I never really know when it's coming, and then it just sweeps in like a tornado with no warning. (This Good Cry is not to be confused with The PMS Cry, which is totally different and comes like clockwork.) Luckily, Michael has known this about me for a long time, and knows exactly what to do when the tears come: just hug me and let me cry it out. He usually says something like, "you haven't had a good cry in a while, have you?" as I try to explain why I'm crying, though I'm unsure myself.

6. Certain issues get me fired up (see previous post), including, but not limited to the following: the inadequacies of our government to meet the needs of many people, especially in areas of education, poverty, and lack of medical care. And lately, I've been really bothered by the pretense that our country is diverse and "equal," when there is no doubt of the inequalities in our country, specifically in the area of racial segregation. We are doing a disservice to our young people to teach them that our country offers equal opportunities for minorities and the poor, that desegregation is a thing of the past, when it is a pure fact that segregation is not a thing of the past. The percentage of segregated schools in our nation rivals (is within a few percentage points of) the number at the time of Brown v. Board of Education in the mid-1950s and the height of the civil rights movement. We are not making much progress, and we should not let students grow up thinking we are. There is no such thing as equal access to education in this country. Not when I live two blocks from a brand new, multi-million dollar middle school building, and schools within an hour from here have outdated textbooks, underpaid and inexperienced teachers, buildings with little or no heat or air conditioning, and the list could go on and on. Not to mention that many of these poorer schools are 100% non-white, and many of the best schools are almost 100% white.

Ok, I went on a little tangent on the last one, but there you have it.

So now I have to tag 3 others:

Michael
Luke
Bev

What decade, or century, or millenium is this anyway?

As I was driving home from work a few minutes ago, I was listening to NPR, as I always do. The topic of conversation was the Presidential election, and callers were giving their opinions about the candidates.

I am shaking with anger. I know that this country is full of ignorant people, but I like to have more hope in people.

A listener from Georgia (or somewhere else in the South, maybe Florida?) called in and said he is a Democrat who is voting for Hilary Clinton. He went on to say that if Clinton doesn't become the Democratic candidate he will vote for McCain for a few reasons, saying Obama seems to be all talk and no substance. Fine. His second reason (and according to him the opinion of all his friends) is race. He said that despite what anyone can say, race will be a determining factor for the next President-elect. The NPR host clarified by saying to the caller, "So, you are saying that our country is not ready for an African-American President?" And the caller, being directly questioned, admitted, "yes."

My hands literally started shaking. I was so upset, that people really think that a man like Barack Obama can't become President simply because of his the color of his skin, and that this man from somewhere down South was willing to admit on national radio that he won't vote for a man because of his race.

(I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. See #6 on my next post.)

Yet another reason I want to teach social studies. Too many people in our country are so ignorant it is almost inconceivable.

Other Blog

Michael and I have been slowly keeping two lists of observations from living here in Pennsylvania:

-Perceptions of Oregon
-Differences between Pennsylvania and Oregon

I posted this list on our other blog. Check it out.

Thoughts in Church

I wrote on my last blog that I was worried about people asking me "are you trying again yet?" Four (maybe more?) people have asked me that in the last few days. And a few others have asked me when we plan to have kids.

At church we usually sit in the back, which is where parents with young infants also tend to sit. So, each week at church Michael and I usually find ourselves watching little babies all service. OK, maybe it's more me than him, but I always point the babies out to Michael because they are always so adorable. Even as I sit here at the coffee shop there is a smiley, pudgy little baby sitting across from me. I see babies everywhere I go! Or, maybe my baby-radar is more acute?

I think I've mentioned this before, but I can't remember a single time I've been to church in the last few months and not cried, or teared up at least. I can't quite explain it, but I've realized I'm not communicating with God as much lately as I could/should be.

In some ways I think I'm afraid to be honest about being disappointed with God. This is a big deal. The devotional book I was reading after the miscarriage talked about this and challenged me in this area. It asked me to confront my true emotions regarding God's role (which is what?) in this, and asked me if I was upset with God. The point in the book was that it's OK to be upset with God, as that's an emotion of grief, as long as I begin to work through it. Is it OK to be upset with God? What does that really mean? In another section she actually presents the idea that we may feel the need to forgive God. Not that this means God did something that needs forgiving, but maybe in our hearts we have an emotion that needs to go through the process of releasing and "forgiving." Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm curious if anyone has an opinion or insight about this.

Back to church. When I'm at church my heart finds this place where it's raw and sensitive and honest, and without even realizing it I find myself just aching a little. And wanting to understand God's timing in a way that I can't right now. And wondering about the future. And exchanging smiles with the baby in the seat in front of me.

Restless

I've had random things on my mind over the last few days:

-Our Christmas/New Year Letter is finished! And more importantly, has been printed and mailed out. This is a big accomplishment since last year's letter was written but never sent.

-Money. Gotta' have it, especially when cost of living is so much higher here than back in Oregon. Gotta' work to get it, which is best when you like your job(s) (more on that in a moment). Today we received an unexpected last paycheck from Michael's job that he quit last spring at the high school in Salem. God continues to provide for us in times of need.

-Work. I'm reading a book about teaching right now, and it makes me miss real teaching. Not that student teaching is exactly "real teaching," but it's the closest I've gotten to teaching so far. But I do wish for my own classroom, to really have a chance to make an impact and do something meaningful. Substituting is hardly meaningful or rewarding, except for the very few students that I'm starting to have repeatedly, and know by name.

-Working out. I joined a gym and have dedicated myself to staying in shape. Plus, I figure Michael will be busy with schoolwork, so it will give me something to do. We still don't have a TV, so I get my TV fix while I work out. Working out has the added benefit of causing me to eat better and take better care of myself.

-Second semester. Michael starts school again on the 14th, which means another busy semester is about to begin. We are trying to enjoy as much time as we can together (between both our current work schedules) before the craziness of school begins again.

-Summer/Fall. I'm anxious about the future, as always. We're both excited to figure out where we will be heading this Fall. Because it's a new calendar year I seem to be reflecting more on what this year will bring. We're not sure when we will head to Oregon again, and we know Michael has school for the entire year.

-And the topic on my mind the most: Will this be the year we have a baby/get pregnant again? We hope so. But, we feel that we must wait until we have a better idea of our overseas plans before we can plan for that. So for now, we are waiting. The advantage of not telling anyone we were trying the first time meant no one had a clue and therefore no one could ever ask us, "so, are you pregnant yet?" I am afraid that people are starting to wonder, "are they going to start trying again?" It's been more than three months since the miscarriage. Overall, I'm doing well, but I have days when I find myself teary-eyed for no explained reason, except really, I know why. In some ways that's frustrating, to realize that I may find myself sad at unexpected moments for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am glad to know that something that has felt so much a part of who I am now will remain.

Servers are Complainers are Servers

I'm working on not complaining as much.

As a server (Yes we use this word not waiter or waitress), it seems inevitable that at some point every server will become a full-fledged complainer. Nothing will satisfy an experienced server.

Things servers complain about:

-Not enough tables
-Too many tables
-Not enough money
-Bad table sections
-Food comes out too slow
-Food comes out too fast
-Too many tables with not enough people
-Bad tips
-"Campers" (people who "camp out" for an extended period of time)
-Tables of two (never usually a money maker)
-Tables with kids
-Kids who order chocolate milk (we have to stir it up and make it ourselves)
-Parents who let their kids order, thinking it gives them some sense of responsibility, but really they just get shy and take ten minutes to order
-Not enough tables
-Sunday afternoon customers (are the stingiest tippers...because all the money went to tithing???)
-Not enough money
-Getting a whole bunch of tables at the same time
-Other servers are lazy
-Big parties who all order only water (Double complaints for lemons in the water!)
-Staying on the clock at not having enough tables

-Don't want to be at work, but don't make enough money....hmmmmm....


The list could go on and on. Basically, servers are never happy. I include myself in this list, though I am working hard to not complain. Complaining among servers festers and builds upon each other, and is not helpful. So I write this mostly to try to commit to making an effort to being positive.

Time to head back to work.

Christmas Vacation

We're home! Or did we just get back from "going home for Christmas?" I'm not sure where or what to call home, but either way, we're back in Pennsylvania.

And back to work. Our flight home from Portland took us to Seattle (with a four hour layover), and then to San Francisco, and with a delayed flight of over four hours, we finally slipped into bed around 5 am, almost 24 hours after we left Oregon. We slept in until 3:00 and I had to be at work at 4.

It was really good to be in Oregon. Michael and I had forgotten how much it rains in Oregon! We were blessed to see so many of our friends and family, many of whom we weren't sure if we would get to see.

One of the highlights of our trip was spending a day in Newberg, Michael's hometown and our college town, as well as where we got married. We spent a good amount of time at Chapters, our FAVORITE coffee shop, and actually ordered drinks twice while we were there, just to savor the coffee we so dearly miss. (Sidenote: We really miss good northwest espresso-especially Stumptown at Chapters.) Besides having amazing coffee, Chapters is the place to be in Newberg to just "run into" people. We ended up seeing many friends that were just stopping by for their own cup of joe. We also went over to Newberg Friends Church and got to visit with some of the pastoral staff (we worked as interns there during our senior year of college).

We were able to connect with some of our friends from Twin Rocks and Salem as well.

And of course, it was great to see both of our families, including a niece and two nephews.

It was good to be home for Christmas, especially because we aren't really sure where we will be next Christmas, and when we will get to visit out there again.

Michael doesn't start school again until January 14th, so he'll be working some and enjoying his break, while I will begin subbing again next week. And, trying to get our Christmas (New Year?) letter written! (We didn't get one out last year, so we'll see what happens).

More reading

Books I've read in the last few weeks:

"The Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" both by Khaled Hosseini-These are both excellent! I can't wait to see the movie that came out last weekend.

"Divisadero" by Michael Ondaatje (author of "The English Patient")

"Blood Done Sign My Name" by Timothy Tyson

"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy (Kind of slow and depressing, an Oprah's Book Club selection)

"Catch-22" by Joseph Heller (I've started this one three times and finally finished it!)

"The River Why" by David James Duncan

Wintertime in Wayne

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because Michael has needed the computer non-stop for the last few weeks to finish a crazy amount of papers and projects for school. And I've been really busy teaching all day and working at the restaurant a lot.

Some highlights over the last few weeks:

-I haven't been enjoying substituting too much. (I sub every single day). It's much better than working in the restaurant, but being a sub is nothing like being a teacher and having my own room. As I've said before, subbing is more like "glorified babysitting," and I feel like I have to be stern and don't get to enjoy the students like I did last year student teaching. I find myself missing my students from last year. Only a few times have I actually had the chance to "teach," and lead class discussions, and those have been really good days.

-We went to Colorado for Thanksgiving and saw our brand new niece. It was really fun to be around family after being in PA for a few months, away from family and friends. Being around a brand new baby was therapy for me, though I had mixed emotions all weekend. I am so, so thankful that my bro/sister-in-law finally have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby girl. So thankful, in fact, I was moved to tears throughout the weekend. I think I also found myself in tears at times knowing my turn is yet to come. But I think it helped me be more at terms with our own timing. So thanks, Tim and Amy, for letting us be there to experience those first few days with you.

-The high school I sub at was recently ranked 79th in the nation by World News Report. Over the last few weeks seniors are applying to colleges and hearing back if they got into their school(s) of choice, among them Ivy League schools and very elite schools. I have a hard time relating, since I don't remember being too nervous about getting into school-the league of schools is much different. It's such a different world here in so many ways.

-I had my 25th birthday last week. I feel old, although I did have a teacher ask me for my hall pass a few weeks ago. And I had a student tell me he thought I was a student when he first walked into class.

-This Tuesday Michael and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary. It's been the best year for us by far. Lately we've noticed how much fun we have together, and have grown so much closer this year. We are so excited for what the year to come will bring.

-We got our first real snow fall here, and I loved every second of it!! (Except the few seconds when I almost slid into a brand new Chevy Suburban while getting used to driving in the snow/ice).

-We're headed home to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and to see friends and family, and we have been looking forward to it immensely!

Tomorrow we're headed to Colorado for Thanksgiving. We have reason to be extra thankful this year, as our brand new niece entered the world last Friday. We are excited for a break and to be around family.

Real Life on TV

The other day my mom told me about an episode of "Brothers & Sisters," a show I have never seen. In the episode, one of the characters has a miscarriage, and then a D & C (I had a D & E). I decided to watch it...

The beginning of the show started with the excitement of having just discovered the pregnancy. Because I knew what was going to happen, I kept waiting for the sad event to happen. She went to the OBGYN and had an ultrasound. I felt like in a way I was reliving my own experience, except she had no idea what was about to happen, and I did. The doctor looked at the screen, expecting everything to be fine, and then adjusted the screen, staring at it more closely for a few moments. At this point, the woman sensed something was wrong.

I remember watching the face of my ultrasound technician, laying there at 1:30 in the morning. She looked for an extra amount of time on the screen, while Michael and I both held each others' hands and our breath in anticipation. Deep down we knew the news was bad, especially as we studied her face and saw in her eyes a hopelessness as she spent extra time searching the screen for some sign of life.

The doctor on the show then told the woman, "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but I can't find a heartbeat." Those were the same words we heard that night, and the memory of it hit me all over again.

Later in the episode the woman admits she can't bring herself to drink a cup of coffee. That would somehow validate the truth that she no longer needs to be aware of what she eats or drinks-I remember going through that same thought process. At the end of the show, after her surgery, the woman said to her mom, "I think I just need to be sad for a while." Only someone who has experienced that kind of loss can understand the true depth of those words.

What I've learned through this whole process is that there are times when I just need to embrace the sadness that washes over me. Sometimes the sadness hits as a direct response to something, like seeing a pregnant woman or a brand new infant or getting an email from a pregnant friend. But sometimes it's a bit more subtle, when it's just a "normal" day, yet somewhere deep down I feel a little empty, like a piece of me is missing.

I've noticed that the sad moments have decreased in frequency, though they still happen. And I think as time moves on, they will continue to decrease in amount though not always in intensity. Part of me knows that these sad moments will never completely disappear, and truthfully, I don't want them to.

Back in the School Environment

Since I started substituting I have been very busy. I've been glad to get called almost every day, and mostly in the same building which is only a few minutes from our apartment. After only a couple weeks, though, I'm already realizing how different this is than having my own room with my own students. I don't have nearly as much of an opportunity to build relationships with students.

The other day I was subbing for a study hall and a student asked to go to his locker. He came back a little while later and reeked of cigarette smoke. He had been working really hard on his math homework. Then he sat talking to a friend telling him how his parents keep making him take drug tests, and he's figured out how to get around them, and how if they find him taking drugs again they are sending him to a rehab/boot camp place in Utah.

And of course, he didn't think I could hear a word he was saying, as all students think teachers, especially substitutes, are deaf. I sat there frustrated, knowing there was no real point in confronting him or doing anything about the fact that I suspected that he was smoking. Not to mention, he could care less. He obviously had bigger problems. The thing that killed me was that if I were his regular teacher, and had built a relationship with him, I would have felt more compelled to do something. He seemed to care a little about homework- he was sitting there working on his math for most of the period.

I don't mind substituting. One of the big perks is that I read all day. Usually I pass out a worksheet for the students to work on, or they watch a movie. Most teachers just make the lesson plans super easy for a sub, so I am more like a glorified babysitter for high school (and occasionally middle school) students.
So, I have read a lot of books. In the past week I've read the following:

Barack Obama's "Audacity of Hope"
"The Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" by Ishmael Beah
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and "For One More Day" both by Mitch Albom
"Child of the Jungle" by Sabine Kuegler

Coping

My emotions have been up and down lately. Last weekend at church during a baby dedication I found myself completely fine as the pastor shared a few words, and the moment he stared praying I began weeping uncontrollably. I may be entering a depression stage of grief, because I find myself sad beyond words. I zone out and stare off into space, and my heart feels heavy. Michael senses my sadness, and wants me to be open to talking about it with him, but truthfully, I have no words. The only thing I find myself being able to verbalize, is "I'm feeling sad today," which is usually followed by a bout of tears.

It's been good to process with our friends that I posted about the other day, who recently had a miscarriage. Knowing that someone else is going through some of the same emotions at almost the same time is helpful, somehow, because it simply validates everything I'm feeling. And, she understands the struggle to deal with everyday life (as everyone else moves on) in the midst of grief.

It's been five weeks. In some ways it feels like it just happened, and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago. Michael and I have continued to dialogue about our future, as we keep thinking about post-graduate school. The internship he is required to have next fall could be just that-a three month "internship" where we would leave after it's done-or, it could be a full-time job that is more long-term. And I find myself trying to figure out how a baby will fit into the picture-or rather, when.

I still see babies and young children at work and hear myself automatically thinking, "I want a baby of my own." And I also want to say to these mothers, "I hope you are cherishing every second with your little child, because you are so lucky to have a healthy baby." Sometimes I think more deeply, "Well, maybe they have had a hard time too. I don't know their story."

And then I find myself looking around, wondering how many others are grieving some kind of loss, but are forced to carry on with life, pasting on a smile and going through the motions of every day life.

Busy

I haven't had much time with the computer because Michael usually has it for school. Plus, our "free" internet is no longer available in our apartment, so we are limited that way.

I've been busy lately, with interviews and working. Yesterday was my first official day substituting! It was anti-climatic, because all I did was push play on a DVD player for three periods. Today I have another interview with a district much closer, and I have a third interview next week, in a district that is a block or two from our apartment. I think three districts will be good for now. We'll see what happens, though I had to turn down a sub job this morning because of my interview today.

Last weekend we went to New Jersey to see Oregon friends. I'll post some pictures of our apple-picking adventure later.

Shout outs to the in-laws

Today was a good mail day.

I finally received my Pennsylvania Teaching License in the mail!! I've spent the last couple hours putting together my application packet for a local school district, and tomorrow I am going to sign papers with the other district that I am already hired in. We received a new copier/printer from Michael's brother Nick in the mail a couple weeks ago, and it has already proved to be extremely useful. For every position I apply to I have to make multiple copies of clearances, forms, and certifications. Usually I have to run to the store and make copies, but here I am at midnight making copies from home. It's awesome. (Thanks again Nick!)

The other exciting piece of mail came as a result of a previous post in which we had just discovered that this area of the country has no maple bars. My mother-in-law sent us a package today with maple bars! We are so excited, and can't wait to show our friends this Northwest treat. (So, thanks Bev!)

Please Pray

We found out today that our friends who were due a week before we were had a miscarriage today. Because they were further a long they are going into the hospital tonight to induce labor. Please pray for them.

Processing

It's been three weeks since the miscarriage. I've been keeping myself very busy, and have been surprised how emotionally drained I feel when I finally stop and breathe. The devotional book I'm reading has talked about how this can be a coping mechanism, I just didn't think I was busy for the sake of being busy. I'm noticing though, that it seems to help keep my mind not focused on the grief.

Today I met with my doctor who performed the surgery at the hospital. I'm back to "normal," and everything is fine (at least physically).

Lately what's been hard is realizing how far along "I would be." One set of close friends is about a month further along then I would have been, and another couple is about a week further along. As I get updates, and realize they are beginning to "show" or even feel the baby kick, I am reminded of what I am missing out on. And I also realize that I will be making these comparisons in my head throughout the rest of their pregnancies, if not even longer than that.

I also just found out that my brother and his wife are expecting in June. I am very excited for them, especially because of the grace God has shown in completely restoring a broken relationship between us, not to mention seeing them go through the process of dedicating their lives to the Lord. It's been a direct, tangible answer to a lot of prayer. This is their second child, and I am so excited to get to be a part of their lives for this pregnancy. I know they were somewhat hesitant to share their news with us, because of our recent loss, but I am so excited for them. I did find myself calculating that this would have meant our child would have had two cousins within six months.

It's hard knowing that my grief process is so different from those around me. Months from now when I may be still feeling the loss acutely, others may barely remember. But that's ok. Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I almost always reply, "Just taking it one day at a time." Because that's all I can do.

It's About Time...

My Pennsylvania Teaching License Application has been officially approved, and according to my status on the Dept. of Ed website, they have issued me my license and sent it in the mail!!! That was yesterday, so I should get it by Friday.

Finally!

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.

Doreen Sexton

Ryan Gosling at Bertuccis!

Starstruck

Tonight at work a man and woman walked in and asked for a corner booth. A few minutes later I walked by and recognized the guy: it was RYAN GOSLING!!

I walked to the back of the restaurant and asked a couple other servers. We all were pretty sure it was him, though he had a thick, bushy beard. I'll be the first to admit...we were absolutely starstruck. "The Notebook" is one of my all-time favorite movies, which Ryan Gosling stars in, and ever since that movie I've always tried to watch his movies. I actually texted Michael from work because I knew he knows how much I like that movie and Ryan Gosling!

Every server except one was a girl, and some were acting like complete schoolgirls. (OK-all of us were). We decided to leave him alone for most of the night, and thought that maybe we'd ask him for a picture as he was leaving. I took the opportunity to take him his pizza plates and pizza stand, just so I had an excuse to talk to him and see if it was really him. As soon as he said "thank you" I knew it was him.

The last bit of confirmation came when he paid the bill, and his credit card said R Gosling. So, we had the manager ask him for a picture as he walked out the door and a group of ten or so of us servers took pictures with him. He was very friendly. When we asked him if we could take a picture, he said, "sure, as long as you don't think I'm Ryan Reynolds." We all laughed. I guess he gets that a lot?? He also told us we smelled good, because one of the girls had put on perfume! He told us he is filming a movie nearby. I came home and looked it up. The movie is "The Lovely Bones." Sounds like an odd movie, although I heard the book was really good. The book's setting is right near here, around Valley Forge National Park (which is only a few minutes away), and they are filming there as well.

Well, that was my moment with a movie star. I know he's just a person, but I was amazed how easy it was to get caught up in the hype of being near a super star.
I am going to post the picture as soon as I get it.

Grief

Michael bought me a devotional book, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew." I have only worked through the first few days of it, but it has already been a good resource for me. It asks me tough questions, and it prompts me to journal, which is my way of processing just about everything.

Yesterday's section told the story from 1 Kings 3:16 where two women have come to King Solomon. One woman claims the other's baby has died, and has switched their babies in the night. Solomon, in his wisdom, asks for a sword. He then proclaims that they will simply cut the baby in half, to share. The real mother immediately cries, "no, let her have the baby. Just don't kill him!" The other mother says, "yes, if I can't have him neither of us can." And Solomon knew the first woman was the real mother.

The point of the devotional was to empathize with (but not condone) the woman who stole the baby. She wakes up in the middle of the night to find her baby is not breathing. She panics, and aches to hold a real, living baby again. Maybe she just wanted to hold the other baby for a minute, or maybe she was disillusioned somehow. Who knows? But the point is that she ached so badly for the loss of her child that she wanted to hold a real, alive baby. I believe this was her defense mechanism. She just didn't know what to do with her sudden, deep grief.

As I read this story I remembered that a few nights ago at work I served a couple who had their 10 1/2 month twin girls with them. They were beyond adorable-happy, sweet, and smiled at me every time I came to the table. I began talking with the couple, asking them about their experience with twins. I have always had an acute interest in twins since I had a twin who died before birth. Eventually, somehow, as they encouraged me to try to start having kids sooner than later (they were probably at least ten years older than me and felt that their age made the pregnancy more difficult), I ended up sharing with them about my recent miscarriage. And I found myself aching to hold their little precious ones.

As I read this account in 1 Kings, I related to the woman's desire to be comforted in her grief by holding a baby. And I look forward to the next baby I will get to hold and hug and be reminded of God's grace.

Give Thanks in Everything...

One of my biggest struggles over the last two weeks has been patience. I've already written about this some, but as I read through my journal entries over the last week, I realize it's a constant theme.

Some days I feel like the girl on Willy Wonka, who gets everything she wants when she wants it. I have wrestled with God over this, at times feeling like the girl, thinking "But I want it NOW!" I felt like I was ready for a baby, and my need for immediate gratification causes me to feel impatient that MY timing wasn't the right timing.

I do think in other ways, however, I am realizing all the areas I need to grow, and am learning to be thankful for this unexpected opportunity for growth. I also feel like Michael and I have grown so much closer already through this shared experience, and I will be forever grateful for the way he's handled this, and the way we are grieving and coping together. The Lord has been so good to me to give me the gift of my husband.

The Kitty

Last night Michael and I were walking home from our friend's home around the corner. As we rounded the corner onto our street we heard a tiny kitten's meow. We looked and saw a little gray kitten huddled near the wheel of a car. It saw us and immediately came towards us, meowing as it walked. We could tell it was sick-the meow was weak and scratchy. It was obviously lost and not doing too well.

We both stood there and watched it, wishing there was something we could do. I've always had a soft spot for kittens and puppies-I love the little babies.

I thought about my experience with most cats, and realized they usually don't run right up to humans like this one. It started to get close and we realized we probably should keep our distance since it could be aggressive or have a disease (though it probably just wanted human contact/food/loving).

We started to walk away, and it continued to follow us, rather closely. We walked more quickly, and so did it. Finally, we crossed the street. It started to follow us, and then stopped in the middle of the right lane. It seemed as if it sort of just gave up.

I didn't want it just sitting there. It was 10:30 at night and not too many cars were out, but still. We were going to keep walking, hoping it would turn around, when we saw headlights.

Michael turned back towards the kitten, trying to wave to the car to slow down. (Or, probably trying to get the kitten to move). I stood on the side of the road, just watching the cat, hoping that in the last moment it would move. It didn't.

Michael had told me to turn my head and not watch, but I couldn't help it. The headlights didn't slow down and suddenly we heard the loud, sickening thud. I screamed and started balling, almost hysterically.

The car pulled over. The guy felt so bad, especially because I was crying so hard. (He thought it was ours). I had watched the kitten, after the car passed. It had been drug a few feet. It tried to stand up, but was obviously injured and limping. It fell and tried to walk a few more times. Eventually it made it off the road and disappeared into the bushes.

We felt so helpless. We walked home, and I continued to cry hard. I'm pretty sure I was crying as hard as I cried on Friday night on the way to the ER. I just couldn't stop crying. My stomach hurt and I was close to hyperventilating.

We got home and I continued to cry. Michael hugged me and eventually I calmed down. He finally asked me, "this isn't just about the cat, is it?"

And it wasn't.

Thanks

Michael and I are learning to take one day at a time. Sunday I felt like I was doing well, emotionally and physically, and then Monday turned out to be a much tougher day. I found myself crying throughout the day, and feeling a bit more soreness and pain.

Michael has been so absolutely wonderful: cleaning, running errands, taking care of me, crying with me, talking/processing with me, and somehow fitting in (a little) time for homework. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful, loving, caring man.

I am so grateful for the flowers, notes, emails, and even chocolate covered strawberries in the mail! We feel so supported and uplifted in prayer, especially for being in such a new place so far from "home."

A new friend here in PA sent me this verse over the weekend:

"...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3

This is my prayer, that this whole time will be a testimony to God's love and grace in our lives.

Today I was listening to a song, and I realized that the words are also my prayer, that my life is not my own, that even this little one now in heaven was not really mine, but a gift from God, and that it's ok if I don't have the strength to be strong, as long as I'm willing and asking for help.

Our biggest prayer request is that we can continue to release the expectations we had been holding on to: dreaming, planning, and expecting our life to change in April 2008. Also, as we realize our timing is not God's, we also are realizing that due to our schedule to be overseas in a year we may have to wait much longer than we'd like to try again, and that will be yet another lesson in patience.

Here's the song I heard today:

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength to give it to you, Jesus

Chapman Baby in Heaven

There's no easy way to write this. I could wait, but I don't see any reason to.

Friday night after I got off work I continued to have worsening symptoms, so around 10:30 Michael and I went straight to the ER. We were both crying a lot, because we knew something was seriously wrong, and we had an idea what it could mean.

They admitted me to the ER, took my blood, and eventually did two different kinds of ultrasounds. They couldn't find a heartbeat. We were officially miscarrying.

Obviously we were/are heartbroken. We sat there and cried for a while. Eventually they took me back to my other room and did some more examinations and tests. The OB-GYN on call strongly suggested that we have a procedure done to clean everything out, to avoid any risk of infection. They gave us the option of staying in the hospital over night and fitting me in on Saturday, or waiting and coming back in on Monday morning. We decided to stay overnight and just get it all taken care of.

Around 4 AM they were able to find us a room on a different floor. Michael slept on the floor. We rested, or tried to, as doctors and nurses (and even a chaplain in training) came in and out of our room all morning.

They finally came to get me around noon. Most of the morning I had been doing pretty well, just realizing that this is all in God's hands, and feeling a peace about it. I actually had three dreams on Thursday night where I had a miscarriage in each one. I think I had been slowly preparing myself for this possibility this week. As I lay in the Pre-op room, it really hit me that what they were about to do was going to make this really final. Michael and I sat there crying until the doctor finally came and took me into the operating room. The last thing I remember was laying on the table, crying and shivering, as the anesthesia kicked in. I woke up crying, and didn't stop for quite a while.

Thankfully, I am recovering quickly. I have almost no pain, just a little bit of soreness. I was released by 5:00 yesterday. We have been so blessed by Michael's classmates and their spouses who have been making us dinner and praying for us constantly.

We are at home resting. Pray that we will continue to grieve and heal and process all of this. Also, Michael has come down with a cold and is having a really hard time concentrating to get any school work done. He has already been feeling behind after being gone last weekend for a wedding, and now all of this.

We plan on just taking this week to rest. My work told me to just let them know when I'm ready to come back.

We trust that the Lord is going to work through all this. We trust His timing.

Scare

This morning I woke up and was having some weird symptoms for the pregnancy. It's one of those times where everything could be totally fine, or it could be the beginning of something really bad. So, I got a little worried.

After waking Michael up and talking about it, I got back in bed. I laid there crying for a little while, and praying. I have thought lately about how many people have miscarriages that don't deserve it (not that anyone ever does), but there are always stories of couples who are so loving and caring and would be amazing parents, and for some reason can't get pregnant, or keep having miscarriages.

And as I lay there praying, I found myself pleading with the Lord. Because really, who am I to think that I should be so special as to have everything just turn out wonderful? A lot of God-fearing people have big heartaches everyday. So I found it difficult to know what to say to God. I mostly just asked him to protect my baby, but His will be done.

I called my doctor's office and the nurse staff suggested I get my blood drawn today and again on Monday. Thankfully our health insurance check cleared today, so we are officially covered and good to go.

I HATE getting my blood taken. Michael left work early and came with me. Now we just have to wait until next week to make sure everything is ok. Meanwhile, I just have to monitor myself and rest. Oh yeah, and work for the next five nights in a row.

Appointment

I scheduled my first OBGYN appointment today...Monday, October 8th!

I'm excited to have the appointment, but bummed that I have to wait almost 3 weeks.
By the time I have my appointment I will be officially through 12 weeks.

I guess I have no choice but to continue to have patience, but it's really hard. With so many thoughts in my head, and pregnancy stories of both good and bad, I'm just ready to get in to the doctor and relieve all those anxieties. It all comes back to trusting the Lord because my hands are completely tied right now.

Update

Still working on my teaching license. I sent in paperwork to my Graduate School in Salem and as soon as they receive that and send it back to PA I should be good to go.

I'm definitely ready to start substituting during the day. I've been working the lunch shift at the restaurant and it often feels like a waste of time. I'm still earning money, but for the amount of time I'm there, and how much I make, I'd rather spend the day in a classroom. Not to mention I want to get back to interacting with high school students in that setting. I work with a few at the restaurant, and could even teach at their high school, but it's not the same at all.

We sent in our first payment for health insurance. I'm planning on calling today to see if they received it. As soon as they do, I can (finally) book our first doctor appointment. I'm still anxious about it. I like to read this pregnancy website, and there's a section for women all due in the same month. As I read the April messages, I have realized how many women have already had two appointments by this time. I am in my tenth week right now, and if I can get an appointment as early as next week I'll be in the eleventh week already.

Most of my symptoms are gone, I still feel tired easily (is it pregnancy or that I'm working a lot?), and occasionally feel a little nausea, but other than that, I don't even feel pregnant! I know I should be counting my blessings, a lot of women suffer with morning sickness for many weeks or months. I think once I actually get to the doctor and verify that I'm really pregnant I will feel more reassured.

The blog world is quite the community.

After posting my last blog, I spent some time reading some other blogs, and I found myself connected to a blog of this amazing woman.

I decided to start reading from her first posting in July 2006 and read forward. She was diagnosed with Leukemia in July 2006 and has posted updates throughout the last year.

I found myself crying at different points throughout the blog. She was not much older than me, having just turned 26, and having just had a baby less than two year ago. I have been thinking a lot about all the possible roads life can take us. Preparing for a baby has caused me to think about this a lot. There is no guarantee that anything will turn out how we would like it to. I could have a completely healthy baby, or I could have one with any kind of sickness or disease, or I could end up not having one at all. This can be so scary, and so awe-inspiring at the same time. (Awe-inspiring because I know God is sovereign in everything we go through).

And then there are all the things that could happen to me or my husband, or any other family member.

I am reminded to get on my knees in prayer and thank God that my family is healthy and safe...a blessing I often take for granted.

By the end of this blog-the last posting was two days ago-I was sobbing uncontrollably. What a legacy this woman has left for her child, her husband, and the hundreds of people who have read her blog.

Wa-Wa

When I think of a convenience store, I think of a grungy 7/11 where I would only go to buy packaged items or maybe a slushy. Never would I buy a hot dog or coffee, or any other "prepared" item.

Here in the metro-Philly area there is a phenomenon that happens to be a convenience store, and it's known as Wa-Wa.

When we first got here we would drive by all these Wa-Was and wonder what they were. The sign has a goose of some sort on it, and the parking lots are always full, especially during lunchtime.

About a week after we moved here I read an article in a local paper about this chain. It said that for out-of-towners, Wa-Wa probably seems a strange name and a strange place. But to locals, it is the place to be! I also learned that Wa-Wa is the local Native American word for Canadian Goose, hence the goose on all the signs.

This is not your ordinary convenience store. They make sandwiches and wraps (Subway-style, to order) of all sorts. They have "award-winning" coffee with a variety of flavors (everyone I work with at Bertucci's loves the coffee at Wa-Wa). They have all kinds of Wa-Wa brand food and drinks. Some Wa-Was are also gas stations.

Our first food experience with Wa-Wa occurred last week. We had heard that Wa-Wa has excellent milkshakes, and as I was craving some kind of cold dairy dessert, we thought we'd give it a try.

We walked over to the milkshake station. We assumed it would be much like getting a slushy: pick the cup size, place it under the spout, and push the button to dispense the milkshake into the cup.

We couldn't find cups, so we grabbed a Wa-Wa employee who was stocking shelves nearby. He showed us the proper way to get a Wa-Wa milkshake:

1st- Pick a flavor from the assortment of already filled cups in the mini freezer below the counter. I chose strawberry and Michael chose a coffee-ish flavor.

2nd- Take the lid off the cup. The cup is about 2/3 full and frozen solid.

3rd- Place cup in the milkshake holder/dispenser.

4th- Choose desired thickness (Choices are Extra Thick, Regular Thickness, and Less Thickness) and push button.

5th- Watch as the machine sucks up the cup inside, dispensing milk while simultaneously stirring the shake to the appropriate thickness. (You can't see this part, but that's what the Wa-Wa worker told us was happening).

6th- Pull out shake and enjoy!

I thought my shake was INCREDIBLE!! Michael wasn't as happy with the coffee flavored one, but thought mine was fantastic. We're slowly becoming "locals," though because of the the Oregonians in us we still don't carry umbrellas when it rains.

We Moved...Again!

Yes, we moved again. When people ask us why we moved, I feel a little dumb saying it, but it was mostly because of an odor.

The apartment complex we lived in had an extremely high concentration of Indians living there. And many/most of them cook with curry-a lot. We were on the third floor, and walking through the hallways and stairwells every day got tougher and tougher.

Every time I came home I would have to pull out the keys, brace myself for the stairs, and draw in a huge breath. I tried running up the stairs holding my breath, but running meant I needed to draw in breath more quickly, and the wave of curry and other odd smells would hit me like a brick. It got really bad when the smells started to seep into our bathroom and bedroom vents.

I have not had typical morning sickness (so far!) during my pregnancy. I would feel nauseous often, but the only two or three times I got sick enough to sprint for the bathroom was after coming home and getting through the hallway to get to our apartment.

I've noticed since we've moved already I rarely feel nauseous now. It's glorious!

Michael was going to bring a few people home from his cohort who had trucks to help us move. When I opened the door, 10 of the eleven walked through our door! I was so amazed! They had about a two and half hour break between classes, and they all came to help. We had our entire apartment empty and loaded within an hour, and had it all unloaded into the new place within another 45 minutes.

They were all such troopers, especially because of how humid it was, everyone needed showers before they headed back to class.

I was very blessed by this group's willingness to help us out. It's been a fun group to get to know, and I can tell many of these people will be lifelong friends.

Michael and I are very happy to be in our new place. Instead of being in a complex with hundreds of people, we deal with the landlord directly, who rents out the rest of the building to an insurance company and a nail salon. We also have our own laundry now, instead of having to walk to the opposite end of the building to pay for laundry. We have tons of extra space, and were able to upgrade the number of bedrooms, all for about the same price as our last place.

Just another way God has provided for us here in Pennsylvania.

Ode to the Northwest Pastry

As we have been getting to know our new friends from Michael's program, and talking about similar likes and dislikes, we found out some terrible news this week.

Maple bars are no where to be found! We had NO IDEA that maple bars are only found in the Pacific Northwest. We spent ten minutes trying to explain to our new friends what a maple bar looks like, and better yet, tastes like, and they stared at us with blank expressions on their faces.

The best part is that this particular friend we've met, who is from New York, has an older brother who lives in our own hometown of Newberg, Oregon. (It really is a small world!) So, we called up his brother and wife on the phone to ask them if they knew what a maple bar was. We had convinced our friends that in Oregon, anyone and everyone knows what a maple bar is. And of course, they knew exactly what we were talking about.

The brother decided to do some detective work and found this website.

This is where I learned that there really are no maple bars near us. I had no idea that maple bars are "ubiquitous in Oregon and Washington, to be found at gas stations, grocery store bakeries, convenience stores, etc."

So, if anyone comes to visit us, we may have to request an order of maple bars to share with our East Coast friends.

Thankfulness

I probably shouldn't be, but I am amazed at the way the Lord continues to bless us and provide for us.

For the last few weeks I have been pretty stressed about money, finding a job, and very important on my list, figuring out health insurance. I have been, and still am, very anxious to have my first doctor's appointment. I just want to make sure everything is OK with the pregnancy.

As we have been realizing how our checkbook has depleted, with no way to refill it, I found myself looking through Craigslist to find a job. As I already mentioned, I got a call and was hired rather quickly. Meanwhile, I am still working on substitute applications.

The night after I was hired I was looking online and found out that this restaurant offers full benefits for all employees, and right away! A lot of companies offer benefits to their employees, but often the employees have to wait a few months, or must be working a set number of hours to be eligible. But here, I am required to enroll within 30 days and there is no minimum number of hours I must work!

I truly feel like the Lord led me to apply to this job, even though I had no idea about these benefits. Now, our pregnancy will be covered-because it's through a group policy my pregnancy is not a pre-existing condition!! I am so, so thankful for this. The burden of trying to find insurance was suddenly just taken care of.

I plan to work as a server for as long as I can, and hopefully, when I can't do that anymore, I can work as a hostess until the baby comes.

The Lord has truly provided for us. What a huge answer to prayer!!

Betruccis Brick Oven Pizza

I got a job!


No, not a teaching job. I'm still waiting on that. But we had already decided that I would try to work an extra job in the evenings and on the weekend while I can.

So, I found an ad on craigslist for a serving job at a local restaurant. I emailed them and received a call first thing this morning. I went in and was hired within five minutes! So, I start orientation and training tomorrow. It's great because it is super close to us. I think it's the closest restaurant we live to, less than two blocks away.

Now, if only my teaching license would arrive...

Worries

It's been a stressful few days for me. I've been continuing to apply to more teaching jobs as they open up, but there aren't many. It still looks like substituting will be the best bet. The only problem is that I still don't have my PA teaching license. I applied for it over two months ago and it is still being reviewed.

The other issue lately is health insurance. We've started to look in to what is available for us, because it's pretty likely I won't be getting any with a job now. And, it turns out, that pregnancy is considered a pre-existing condition when you are trying to get individual health insurance. This means we've only found two carriers who will even talk to us about insurance. We've also looked into benefits we could receive, since Michael is in school full-time and I'm still unemployed.

If you think of it, pray these details can be worked out. I'm anxious to have my first doctor's visit, and anxious to find a job. I still trust the Lord that these things will all work out, but timing is everything.

Park Here

The first weekend we were here in PA we went to Maryland for the weekend to visit my Aunt and her husband. We were less than 5 minutes from the destination, and I had to use the restroom...badly...so we had to stop.

We finally found a grocery store to pull into. And this was the sign we parked under. Apparently they are common all over Maryland, but it was a new one for me!

Trust

Michael is at his first day of school. It's definitely been a long time coming and we were both very excited for today to arrive. Normally, the night before school starts is always a restless one for me, and this one was no exception. This is funny, since I'm not even the one going to school.

We went to our first church here in PA yesterday. It was OK, but I think we will keep looking.

Even so, the message still spoke to me. The pastor started off the sermon by telling a story about "Tim and Terri," a couple who had lost a baby at birth, twice. The story hit close to home, both because we're pregnant and because of how similar the story was to another family member.

The bulletin asked for prayer for a little 2 year old boy who had been found drowned in a pool and in a coma. During the sermon the pastor shared that this little boy passed away on Friday.

The bulk of the sermon was on Zechariah, the second-to-last book of the Old Testament. The main point was that in this book this prophet is announcing that God will fulfill all his promises to Jerusalem, and to not give up. Regardless of our situation, do we really trust God to be all that He promises? In the midst of heartache and loss, can we trust Him?

I've been continuing to realize how much I need to trust the Lord in this pregnancy. It's easy to get caught up in the statistics and all the stories of what could go wrong. Instead, I need to trust. Not just trust that everything will be OK, because it may not be, but trust that the Lord is sovereign above all else.

I also realized if I really wanted to worry about what could go wrong I would be preoccupied for the rest of my life. Having a baby means that from this point on, anything could happen to my child, whether pre-birth or as an adult. The little boy found in the pool was a reminder that even if we make it to birth, there will always be something that can happen.

Again, do I trust Him?

Some Big Little News

We're all settled into our apartment. We got all the furniture we need and feel very organized. We have a place for everything...I think this is the first time in my life I can really say that and know it's true. I think part of the reason for that is that we got rid of anything and everything that we don't use or knew we wouldn't need before we moved here. So, we are organized and ready for the year to start. It feels like it's our home now, not just an apartment we live in.

Michael starts school on Monday. Yesterday we went over to the main campus and walked around. It's very pretty. It looks like someone's estate from many years ago that was turned into a college campus. We also had fun walking around the downtown area of our town. There are a lot of shops and restaurants, and a movie theater.

I still don't have a job. I'm not terribly worried. I am applying to substitute in the area, and that should give me steady work for the year, from what I hear.

Last but not least, Michael and I were waiting a little while before we posted anything, but the time has come. I'm not really sure who has or hasn't heard, but Michael and I found out that we are expecting a baby in April!

We found out the day we arrived in Philadelphia. We are super excited. The truth is that we had decided a few months ago that we would start trying. We decided we'd love to have a baby before we left to go overseas, and that would mean we had a small 4 or 5 month window to try to get pregnant. The average 25 year old couple takes 6 months, so we just gave it to God and decided if we didn't get pregnant it wasn't the right timing.

We didn't tell anyone that we were trying, partly because if we didn't get pregnant no one would be disappointed but us. Also, we liked the element of surprise. Having been married 2 1/2 years people are always asking us when we are planning on having kids. We've had to slough it off lately and say, "oh, it will be a long time for us still, probably a couple years, until we figure out what we're doing in life." The funny part is that our own family barely believed us when we called them, because they all honestly believed it would be a long time.

So, to anyone we told that to, I must apologize for that little, white lie! :)

I wanted to post this because there are thoughts and emotions that go along with this that I find myself thinking a lot, and may end up blogging about from time to time.

Mostly, I have to admit, I have fear. There are so many things that can go wrong that I am learning I must trust the Lord in this daily. The first few days after we found out, I was having some sharp pains, and I got really worried. Praise the Lord for the internet, because within a few minutes I was able to look up my symptoms and find out that what I was experiencing was 100% normal. I started crying in relief, because all the worst possibilities had shot through my mind.

We are very excited about this big step. It is hard that we will be doing this far away from our family, but we took that into account a few months ago. We're just learning that we must turn to Christ daily for direction.

more pictures

We posted a ton of pictures on our other blog, including pictures of our apartment.

We're "Home"

Well, we're here. We will probably post more pictures later today of other parts of our trip. The trip itself went very smoothly. We were very fortunate not to have any car trouble or flat tires.

The first day of the trip I told Michael I had a lump in my throat, somewhere down deep. I felt as if I needed to cry but couldn't. I think the reality of leaving family and friends behind had hit, but it was deep inside. We are so excited about this step in our lives, but also a bit sad.

I thought through various people we have been interacting a lot with over the past year, and realized how much we will miss those interactions.

On the last night of our trip we stayed with relatives of Michael's in Dayton, Ohio. They had lived in Newberg and moved to the midwest 22 years ago. Originally they thought they'd only be gone for 5 years or so, and here they are 22 years later having moved even further east. It got me thinking about Michael and I, and how we have no idea how long we'll be "gone," or if we've moved to our new home indefinitely (being not the northwest).

For a few days before we left I was joking with some of my friends, telling them that they may never see me again. They didn't really like me joking about that, and I realized in a way it was my coping mechanism because I really wasn't sure how long we'd live far away. Sure, we'll come back to visit, but that's a whole different ballgame.

Either way, we're here now, and we'll take it one step at a time. We both have a huge sense of trust in the Lord that He will provide for us as we need, in His timing, and meanwhile, we must continue to be patient.

Link to our trip

Michael and I have been posting our trip pictures and updates on our mutual blog. Check it out by going here.

"All our bags are packed and we're ready to go..."

We're not leaving on a jet plane, but we are leaving in our Subaru.

As we packed today we decided we just had a couple boxes too many, so we rented a small U-Haul trailer that ended up fitting everything we wanted to pack, including our Christmas stuff, which we had decided wouldn't fit. I am very excited about that, especially because we may or may not be leaving PA for Christmas, and if you know me at all you know how much I LOVE decorating for Christmas almost as much as I LOVE Christmas.

We were packed and ready to go by dinner time. We had run most of our errands, the car was ready to go, and the house is very empty, besides a couple camping chairs and card tables (which are also packed and returned to their rightful owners).

As we are preparing to leave physically, we are also preparing mentally and emotionally. We are excited, nervous, sad, curious, and ready.

In case anyone is wondering, we did get our other car sold today, Praise the Lord!!
And, our housing is basically confirmed except one fax we are waiting for from Easter to send to the apartment complex. Of course, anything can happen, but we feel ready.

We figured out our basic route today, subject to change of course, and at this point plan on arriving to our apartment complex next Monday afternoon. I'm especially excited about spending a little time in Yellowstone and Jackson Hole, as well as seeing Mt. Rushmore.

We'll do our best to post pictures or blogs along the way. Keep us in your prayers!

Bad News and Good News

I got a phone call from PA this morning, but not from the apartment complex. (I'm still waiting to hear from them). It was the school that I was planning on interviewing with when we got to PA. The principal called to tell me they already filled all three of their social studies positions. I was pretty bummed. I cried a little, and then decided that that just means God has something else for me.


***

I just wrote that paragraph and then got a call from the apartment complex. They said everything looks good. All we have left to do is send a copy of Michael's financial aid (showing that he's taking out lots of loans) and that will be plenty to show our income verification. We have the spot reserved, and she called me and wanted to assure me that everything is set (she sensed my anxiousness and wanted to relieve my stress). As soon as Michael can send his financial letter she can send us all the information about our apartment.

This morning I had coffee with a very good friend from high school. We were talking about following God in obedience, and trusting God each step of the way, even when we can't see the whole picture. She said something about how God keeps us informed on a "need to know" basis, and I thought captured the idea well. God only reveals as much as He thinks we need to know, and then wants us to trust Him with the rest. So, I didn't get this job, but that's OK, because I trust that God will provide. Maybe it will be teaching, maybe I'll be working at Starbucks! Who knows? Only God does. And I am trusting this whole apartment hunt process as well.

Well, I am going to go try to pack our kitchen!

God does have a sense of Humor

We spent the day continuing to pack. We are getting worried about fitting everything into our small traveling space. I have a feeling Monday will be a lot of packing, re-packing, un-packing, etc.

We got a call today from the apartment complex. They hadn't finished looking at everything, but they thought it looked good. They will be calling us tomorrow morning. My phone rang at 6:30 AM, (9:30 in PA). I knew it would be ringing early because the girl we've been working with on this apartment had a meeting at 10 and said she'd call before that. When I got back into bed after taking her call, I thought to myself, "God has a sense of humor." Here I am praying for patience, and what happens? God gives me another "opportunity" to have patience: I have to wait another 24 hours!

Tonight we had a Good-bye Potluck/Picnic at a local park. It was fun to have friends and family from around come say goodbye. One set of very close friends who we went to Fox with, and lived with in Alaska, and are just very, very close to, came, and it was the last time we'll see them. They have a little boy who just turned one, and they refer to Michael and I as Uncle and Aunt. And, his little brother should be born in a month (I had planned on videotaping the birth if we weren't moving). I am TERRIBLE when it comes to goodbyes, I ball my eyes out, and needless to say this was no exception. Throughout the last couple months, every time we'd start to talk about leaving my friend and I would both tear up, and we'd have to quickly change the subject. So, it was a sad moment. Sad, yet exciting, knowing that each Goodbye is one step closer to our next adventure.

The hardest part is not knowing how long we will be gone. We have a lot of connections in the Northwest, and that is the hardest part of leaving, but maybe it helps us at the same time to know how much support we are receiving.